I'm not sure I ever wrote about Benjamin's illness. Now I'm ready.
Benjamin was born big and healthy. There were no concerns and I went home early without a doubt that he would be as sweet and easy as Glen. That first night was hard, a bit of a nightmare really. He cried almost non stop. Then he started puking. He was throwing up so much I thought he wasn't keeping enough food so I'd feed him again and try to get him to sleep. It was 5 am and still non of us had gotten any sleep. Finally we decided John needed to get at least a few hours of sleep before work the next day and so I was going to take Benjamin out, I just needed to use the bathroom first. While I was gone I heard Benjamin crying. I didn't want to leave the bathroom and deal with it, I was so tired. Then the crying stopped. I went into my room and Benjamin was asleep. John said he threw up and then went right to sleep. The poor little guy must have been so tired. After that we didn't really worry much, it was a one time thing. He still cried a lot, way more then Glen ever had, and he spit up after every feeding and in between as well, but he was a baby so he couldn't tell me what was going on. He gained weight and boy was he chubby. At three months he was wearing 9 month clothes, he was on his way to being round as a ball!
One day he got a rash on his cheek. I didn't worry about it, but it got worse. It would bleed sometimes and I could tell that it bothered him. The Dr. said not to worry, just keep it clean and put on lotion. Christmas rolled around, Benjamin had had the rash for about a month now and it was on both cheeks. We spent that Christmas in Southern Utah with my mom and she said the rash looked like it was caused by allergies, I should have him tested. My Dr. didn't think it was allergies, but I asked her to humor me and test him anyway. She did a blood test, she said it wasn't very accurate, but it was way cheaper then the allergist. She would test for milk, eggs and nuts, the most common allergies. The next day we got a call, the test showed he was allergic to all three. She wanted us to go to the allergist. They tested Benjamin for a whole score of things and it turned out he had at least a dozen food and animal allergies. I cut out as much as I could from my diet and hoped it would help, and for a little while it did, but I was starving. I had to put him on formula by 9 months. My chubby baby was gone. At nine months he was wearing three month clothes and I had moved him down a diaper size because he had lost so much weight. The Dr. said he had fail to thrive. I was so scared. I didn't think he would survive. I remember taking him home after yet another Dr. appointment and just sitting on the floor crying. I rocked him and begged him to be strong and get better, he just had to get better. He was almost a year and he didn't play, he hardly smiled or laughed, he didn't really crawl and wasn't trying to walk. He just layed there most of the time. He looked like a stick figure he was so skinny. It hurt my heart and scared me. I trusted my Dr. and I did everything she told me to, special formulas, medications, we went to see specialists, he was frequently getting sick because he was so weak and I faithfully took him in every time, knowing she would have the answer. And every night I pled with Heavenly Father to help him get better and help me to know how to help him. I felt so lost. I remember one night after I prayed I had the impression to check his formula. I had been told by the Dr. and nutritionist to put him on a special formula for kids with milk allergies and I didn't check it. For maybe a month I had the impression to check and I didn't. Then one morning I did. The number one ingredient was MILK!!! What!? But his biggest allergy was milk, why would the Dr. tell me to give him a milk based formula? I called the Dr. she said it was for kids with allergies, but it has milk in it I said! Then I called the nutritionist, she said that the milk protein was broken down so kids could digest it. She said "Imagine that the milk protein is a lego castle, we took the castle and broke it up so it's easier to digest." "But he isn't allergic to castles, he is allergic to legos!" I nearly yelled. I felt so betrayed, why hadn't they known? Why did they tell me to use it? Why didn't I listen to that prompting a month ago!? Against their advice, finally, I put him on a different formula. Soy. He gained weight like a new born, nearly doubling his weight in the first month. Within a few months he was in the normal wight range for his age group. The Dr. didn't have the answer, but God did. We threw Benjamin another birthday party since his first was such a bust, he was too sick to eat the cake or anything. For us though it wasn't a birthday party, it was a survival party. We knew he would survive. You see, we hadn't told anyone how worried we were, or how very sick Benjamin was because...I don't know, I was too scared. I thought saying it would make it more real and then I'd lose him. I still have a hard time thinking about how close he was to dying.
Fast forward to his fifth birthday. He has a few friends over for a birthday party, but he just hid in his room.He wouldn't play with other kids, he wouldn't let people touch him. He didn't talk very much or interact with anyone. John thought he was autistic. I thought he was just shy. We still aren't sure honestly. Maybe because he was so sick his brain didn't make all of the connections when it was supposed to, maybe he just liked to play alone. All I knew is that when the boys went out to play Glen would jump right in and Benjamin would sit on the hill and watch the other kids play. If anyone tired to include him he would run inside and watch from the deck. Then one day I bought him some Pokemon cards. The other kids had some too and slowly he began to talk to them, to trade and play. Slowly, in a one on one situation, but only if Glen was there, then with a small group with Glen, then occasionally on his own. He began to talk and to play with other kids, he began to talk to us. He still didn't want to be touched or hugged, arms length was where he preferred people, even me. It worried me a little, but he was playing so I rejoiced in his progress and tried to help him work through these big feeling he had, but didn't know how to deal with or talk about. After a year he began to sit next to me, then on my lap. I felt like I had to speak softly and move slowly so I didn't frighten him away. He had a Sunday school teacher in Indiana who has my undying gratitude because he really helped Benjamin. I don't know what he did. but they bonded. Benjamin would go to class willingly without clinging to me. When he saw his teacher he even smiled. Then one day, shortly before we moved I walked Benjamin to class to find that his teacher wasn't there. Those were the hard Sundays. And then Brother Martin walked in. Benjamin turned around and saw him, the fear immediately left his face and it's like the sun came out. He broke into a huge grin and leapt into Brother Martin's arms for a hug! It made us both a little teary eyed to see that. Some how Brother Martin had gotten through to Benjamin and gave him a safe place to show his feeling, whether he was sad or mad or happy it was safe to be around brother Martin. Just a few weeks later we moved. I worried about Benjamin in a new place, but we have been blessed with another wonderful teacher. This man has the patience of a saint. Benjamin sits next to him and for about an hour plays with his beard. He has a thing with hair. I've asked if it bothers him, but he says it's fine. I hope it really is fine because Benjamin so desperately needs a safe place to learn again. This time he is learning to show affection. He plays with my hair. He snuggles up to me when I read a book. He leaps into my arms for a monkey hug. Sometimes he just rests his head or hand on my shoulder because he needs to feel another person.
I worry that he doesn't show very good boundaries, but my joy at his progress outweighs my concerns. I no longer think he is autistic, I think he is just making brain connections differently then other kids. He is a little behind because of his illness, but he is catching up so fast now. It helps him to feel safe at church like he does at home, to feel safe at the play ground and with other kids. He still gravitates towards younger children or girls who are not so rough, but I can see that even there is is progressing. He will wrestle and play rough every now and then. He is getting there...wherever there is. I kind of feel like he is discovering himself. It's a beautiful thing to watch,
As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I sometimes struggle when we have those lessons in church, you know the ones about faith and fear and they can't coexist. It always bothers me because as someone who lives in fear daily they seem to be saying I just don't have enough faith. I have actually been told by people, by a bishop even, that I wouldn't have anxiety if I would just have faith, I wouldn't be afraid anymore, or depressed, I just needed to have more faith in Christ. Now, I know myself pretty well. I know where I am struggling spiritually and where I need to work, but faith, well, I say I'm doing pretty good in the faith department. I know Jesus Christ is my savior and Redeemer, more then that, I FEEL it. Yet my anxiety remains. Some days are so bad that I can hardly function.
Well I'm here to tell you that you can have faith and fear. At the same time. I experienced it today, and it made me think of all the times that I have had a similar experience. I have had really rough couple of days as far as depression and anxiety go. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm going down from a really high roller coaster, you know that tight feeling? My muscles tense, ready to run, I can feel it in my whole body. My mind gets a little foggy, it's hard to think of anything except the worry and the fear. I start to pull into myself. And then I pray and I feel peace. Oddly enough it don't take away the fear, it's still there. I still feel tense and my stomach hurts and my head hurts, but there is peace. How can I feel them both? I won't question it, I'll be grateful for it because even though faith and fear are not supposed to be able to exist at the same time, somehow, fear and peace do. They don't struggle and fight each other, they exist together and somehow I make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow is a little brighter.
I'm not trying to complain, this is background (the Hansens strike again. Stay tuned for a little more background.) For some odd reason, I love to read parenting magazines and articles, they inspire me and give me great ideas as I work each day to become a better mother, but sometimes there is that one that leaves me feeling guilty. We all know the one, it's the "Cherish EVERY moment because your kids grow up so fast" article that can be found in every language and from every point of view. I don't disagree with it. Kids do grow up all too fast and I try to be there with my kids, not just next to them, as they learn and grow and explore, but I can't do it every day, I can't do it most days. When I am having a bad day, too tired and sick to do much, and impatient to boot, there is less cherishing and more TV, they get banished to the basement to play instead of cuddling on the couch to read. The constant kazoo playing grates on my nerves and I have to force the smile when she asks if I like her song. I don't want to wrestle, I don't even want to hug. I just hurt and I want everyone to go away so I can sleep it off. But I'm a mom, so I can't banish them permanently, they come back from the dungeon for food before I banish them again with permission for yet another episode. I love you Netflix. Those days it is hard to cherish every moment, I count it a success if I can make it through the day without yelling every moment. And they are down there in the basement watching another episode of who knows what non-educational show and I am up on the couch feeling guilty because I'm obviously not cherishing EVERY SINGLE moment while in survival mode. Here is the thing though, I still love those articles. I still love the reminder to cherish every moment, even though I can't, I'm not sure any mom can, but I do believe that we all do our best. We love our kids and we all do our best to teach them, spend time with them, and show them that we love them forever and always. So I'm trying to stop feeling guilty about the bad days because my best on bad days, while not as good as my best on super mom days, is still my best.
I have to admit something I have been denying, avoiding even, for days. Elizabeth isn't a toddler any more. My baby is growing up and it makes my heart ache. I miss her babyness and her chubby little legs. I miss her uncoordinated attempts to run and dance. In her place I am left with this beautiful, graceful child. As I watch her run, dance and twirl, climb, talk, and curtsy I see brief glimpses of the young woman she will become. It fills me with hope and puts a band aide on my aching heart. Elizabeth is...amazing. There is really no other word for her. She will put on a Cinderella dress and clean up a mess. She will run for diapers and wipes when I find I am out. She will help Abigail wash her hands, wipe her nose, or clean up when she spills water. She is my princess, mini me, little mother, ballerina, rough and tumble, play in the dirt in a tutu, climb every tree she can girl. I can't believe how she has grown and I am so proud of her beauty, grace, love, patience and service. I feel so blessed to be her mother and I look forward, with great anticipation, to the years ahead. I hope she will always be my best friend and giver of the best morning hugs.
ok, so why did I tell you all this? Two reasons, first I felt like Heavenly Father had blessed us so much! It could have turned out very differently, but I know he was looking out for us. First of all, my friend was there. Without her it would have been so much more stressful and hard. She ran ahead on the trail asking everyone she met if they had seem two boys. Then there were the teens who found them. My friend met them near the beginning of the trail and they said no, they hadn't seen two boys and then everyone went their way, but one guy turned back and got her number so that they could call if they happened to see our kids. Turns out they were the ones who found Glen and Benjamin and they were able to call. There was my ability to run nearly two miles to met my kids. There were so many times when I was so exhausted that I thought I'd collapse, and then I would get a burst of strength so I could keep running. There was the fact that my friend could receive the call when she didn't have any cell reception. The peace that kept me from becoming hysterical. My kids were safe, they knew how to get back to the waterfall and get help. I'm so grateful for all of the miracles and tender mercies of the lord through this whole experience.
Hi, I'm a home school mom. If you know me, you know I talk about it a lot. I mean, A LOT! I'm not trying to tell you that you should home school just because I do, but can you blame me? It's my life. All day long. Every weekend. Every holiday. Home school is always on my mind. Maybe it's because I'm so passionate about learning, maybe it's because we go to school 12 hours a day. Every day. Yep, you heard me. 12. Hours. We go to the school of life so every day is a school day and everything we experience is a lesson. Sometimes we are sitting at our table to learn, but usually we are playing, and experimenting, and reading. Shall we get to the point? Good.
Summer is nearly upon us. When school gets out for three glorious months. Seems like a waste of three perfectly good months to me. I mean we have the Olympics this year, super fun! How about the 4th of July? Who can miss out on a great lesson about the founding fathers, the constitution, and the revolutionary war? The way I see it there are way too many good things to miss out on to take the summer off. Cooking lessons, and typing, Algebra with Daddy, and the sewing lessons they have been begging for. What about some good old science as we go rock hounding and hiking? Vacations can be some of the most fun lessons all year. Remember when I said I think about home school all the time? Yep. Seriously. I was thinking about this months ago. I could see summer looming and I could just hear the boys saying "But none of my friends are in school during the summer." So I nipped it in the bud back in early April. I told them we have school every day, did I tell you about the physics lesson that Sunday at the park? I have been getting really excited for summer school as we will call it and so are they. They are looking forward to some out of the ordinary lessons,like sewing, and they don't feel like they are missing out. They will still have TONS of time to play, but those super hot afternoon hours will not be wasted with movies and video games! This is going to be a great summer!
One day John pointed out something he has noticed about my prayers. He said every time I prayed I said "Thank you for this day" and asked if it was repetitive or sincere. I replied very seriously that I was sincere. "Even on days that you tell me are terrible?" Yes, even terrible days are days I am thankful for. Here is why: I learn something every day. Yesterday was a pretty crummy day. I spent the entire day getting ready for a party, cooking food and cleaning the house. What I wanted to do though, was play with my kids and read with them and cuddle and wrestle. I was grumpy and irritable, impatient and at times even unkind. It was one of the worst days. Glen said it was worth it to have a party, but I think he is the only one who thinks so. Benjamin said it was so not worth it and Elizabeth, well, I think too often she gets less mommy time then the boys. Anyway, at the end of the day as I prayed I did say thank you. I said it was a terrible day, but I was grateful because I had learned that spending time with my kids is so much more important then having the perfect party, a super clean house, and themed snacks. I bet they would be just as happy with a bowl of popcorn and a movie. 
We have spent the last few weeks learning about everything medieval. Castles, knights, the power of the Catholic church during the middle ages, hunting and hawking, names, heraldry (we even created our own coat of arms), we made our own butter, learned about feasts, Gothic architecture, and so many other things that I can't even tell you! We have had so much fun learning to write with turkey quills, learning about the lives of surfs and kings, and laying siege to block castles. After finishing our middle ages book, A Door in the Wall, we had our middle ages party. We have a party each time we finish a long book like that. This time we planned a feast and a movie night. We are currently watching The Court Jester, I love this movie! Why do we have a party? Because experiencing something, living it, really brings the lesson home. We try the food from the time period, or country we have studied and an activity that we learned about, like our Korean pottery. So tonight we had a four course feast, complete with trenchers, a dancing gypsy, minstrel music, court jesters, Paiges to help the king wash his hands, and many out cries of "off with his head!" It was fun to see each boy take a turn entertaining the king or acting as Paige. We all tried to talk as if we lived in the middle ages and talk of anything not yet invented was banished, I smuggled in my camera though. :)
"Over the last year I have learned so much, I cannot even begin to list off everything I have learned. I have learned to let go of the little things that are unimportant so that I can cherish what is. I have learned to be less of a stickler about bedtime and cuddle more. I have learned to hold onto my babies because soon enough they are going to pull away and run off on their own. I have finally learned to make the mundane divine as I work backstage to keep the house running, the kids happy and fed, and be everyone's personal cheerleader. I have learned to be less selfish so that I have more of myself to give. I learned that I didn't move out here to save the world, I moved out here so God could save my world, my family. I have learned to dance in the rain, figuratively and literally, and I have learned that when storms come the safest thing to do is to hold on to my family for dear life!"
Saturday we bought some dry ice to play with, only to discover it had disappeared overnight in the freezer, so Monday we all ventured out to get some more and figure out the mystery of the disappearing dry ice. We brought it home and did a few experiments, what happens to ice in water, what happens to dry ice, what happens to regular ice on the hot sidewalk, what about dry ice, can you tell the difference? Then they boys, being boys, had to test whether or not dry ice really hurts if you touch it, and what would happen if they put it on the grass and other plants. We learned tons! (seriously, one of the best parts of homeschooling is getting to learn what they learn) We learned that dry ice makes the water bubble, regular ice melts into a puddle on the sidewalk, but dry ice leaves no trace. The reason for that is because dry ice is super concentrated and frozen carbon dioxide, the stuff we breath out. As a gas it evaporates where as regular ice is frozen water and melts. That is also why the water bubbles, because the evaporating gas is released and the bubble of carbon dioxide floats to the top. We also figured out why the dry ice in our freezer disappeared, it's because dry ice has a melting temperature of -109 degrees Fahrenheit and regular ice melts at 32 degrees. That's a huge difference! The kids had so much fun adding soap to the water and watching the dry ice make so many bubbles filled it smoky gas. I'd say that fun little experiment was a success. The biggest lesson I learned though didn't have anything to do with dry ice, it had to do with control. I want to control all their experiments, crafts, and all of that, but it's when I let go and let them explore that the magic happens and they really learn. It's been a lesson I've been trying to learn for a long time, but I'm getting it.
We got to go on two field trip this week. The first was to finish off our middle ages unit and study of Gothic architecture. I won't bore you with all the details, but a few pictures will brighten your day. Isn't the Madeline cathedral gorgeous? We accidentally went to the Salt Lake city building and we were all confused to see Romanesque architecture when we were told it was Gothic, then we figured out we were in the wrong place and went to the cathedral. It was a good comparison. On the way home we talked more about different types of architecture and pointed out the buildings that we could identify. The Salk Lake Temple looks very Gothic, but it is actually a mixture of Gothic form and Romanesque arches. Fascinating! Who knew you could tell so much about a building by it's arches? I feel a joke coming on. By the way, Sugar is pronounced Su-jair with a soft j. Glen though that was fun, Sugar was the man who first requested a building to be built in what came to be known as Gothic, this video was great for the kids. http://www.teachertube.com/video/romanesque-vs-gothic-architecture-103781 I thought they would find it boring, but they loved it.
Friday we went to a fire station for Elizabeth. She was in heaven, that girl loves fire trucks more then either of the boys ever did! She had such a huge grin on her face when she was allowed to sit in the truck and pretend to drive, and her jaw dropped when the firefighters told her that there are pink firetrucks, just like hers. I love to find the passions and dreams of my children and encourage them to follow their dreams. Zoology, art, fire trucks, engineering. These little kids have big dreams!
