The D word

It's a nasty, yucky word, full of icky-ness.  Divorce.  The word alone breaks my heart. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Before I got married it was not even an option, as newlyweds, it wasn't even an option.  Whoa! Maybe I should pause to reassure you, I'm not breaking any sort of news here on the blog. Feeling better now? Good. Now back to my musings.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love, happily ever after, isn't that how the story goes?  Nope.  Not at all.  See, what the fairy tale fails to mention is that the happy, giddy, butterfly feeling won't last very long and when it's gone, what's next?  No one told me what to do, no one even warned me it would happen.  Lets go back about 8 years.  I had been married about a year and I realized that I wasn't in love any more.  how did that happen?  When did that happen?  John was a great guy and I enjoyed spending time with him, but I just didn't love him any more.  I didn't believe in the D word, I wouldn't even let myself think it.  Instead I faced years stuck in a marriage with a man I felt nothing for any more.  Ouch!  That was a long, ugly road I also didn't want to go down, so what was I going to do?  I remember sitting in the temple pleading for guidance.  What should I do?  I didn't love my husband any more, but I wasn't even thinking about that other, yucky word.  A voice whispered to get out while I still could. Yep, I'll ignore that one.  So I kept praying and it was like Jesus came and sat on the couch next to me so we could have a talk.
"Who is the first person you want to talk to when you leave the temple?"
"John!"
"Who do you want to talk to about your day?"
"John."
"Who do you love to sit with, laugh with, and read with?"
"John."
"Who do you feel the safest with?"
"John."
I'm noticing a pattern.  And then I was ready for the sweetest part.  I realized that I did love John, but you knew that already didn't you?  You already know how this story ends, so let me fill in the middle.  I realized that when you first meet someone and fall in love it's full of excitement and newness, it's full of butterflies and stolen kisses. And then you get married and back to regular life. You get busy with work and maybe kids.  You fall into a routine, comfortable with each other.  Maybe you miss it, I did.  You both change, the way you feel changes.  My love for John was still there, but it had changed to something different, something more solid, deeper, more enduring.  It will always be there.  Even when I am being buried in dirty laundry and diapers.  When life is so hectic I hardly get to see him all week and we miss our date because of one reason or another it's still there, running deep, like underground water.  A life spring that might be missed if you don't know what to look for.
Now here we are almost 9 years later and I gotta tell you, life has gotten tough.  It's busy and hectic, stressful, but still amazing because it's our life.  But sometimes in the hectic day to day I start to hear that voice again, the one trying to convince me we aren't in love any more and I have to look deep inside to find the deep abiding love.  But its still there, it's always there.  It will always be there, but I have to work to keep it.