Ten weeks they said, so we planned on ten weeks. It has now been 14 weeks and we still don't know when John is coming home. I have tried very hard to use those 14 weeks to learn as much as I can. My theory is that we learn the most and grow the most when we are uncomfortable. Well, I have definitely been uncomfortable. I'm very pregnant, John is gone, I've spent most of those 14 weeks very sick, and every thing is harder without daddy here. What have I learned? I have learned that I can always turn to the Lord for comfort and help. I have learned that I have a really great support system and to just say thank you when they help me. I have learned how incredibly strong and capable I am, but also how very weak I am without the support of my helpmeet. I have learned that as important as a clean house, teaching the kids to clean, nightly personal scriptures and prayers for the children, and learning time are, it's more important for my children to have a nice mommy. Here's the big one: The lord is not only into the details of our lives, he WILL take care of the details.
That last one is the newest lesson, one I learned just last night in fact. I did not sleep well a majority of the time because in addition to this lovely cough, I was stressed about being so close to my due date without John here. What if he misses it? What if I have to stay here alone with a newborn because John got a job, but couldn't wait for me? What if in addition to a newborn I have to worry about getting packed and taking care of 3 little kids by myself? What if...The list was endless. Finally at some point, as I plead for peace and to be able to sleep the Spirit spoke to me. I was told, though not in words, to stop worrying about the details and to stop trying to plan, to "Let me take care of it." I have heard that before. At times when I can't get Elizabeth to sleep and I am so tired I can't cope with it anymore I lay her down crying and plead for help and I hear "Let me take care of it." And he does, he takes care of it the way a loving Father would and before long we can both be at peace and sleep. It wasn't as comforting last night. I had to struggle. I have not struggled with my faith for along time, but last night I battled with myself. I battled to give up control.
You see, I am not a controlling person, but I do like plans. I like to make a plan, have a plan, or at least know the plan. I plan birthdays and special occasions months in advance, I'm a planner. I don't stress as much when I have a plan. I have not been able to plan anything the past 14 weeks, not the important stuff anyway. I can't plan where to live, where Glen will go to school, I can't make a budget, and I have no idea what I will find when I start looking for a midwife, a new dentist, a pediatrician, or or even how far to the local ward church house. For a planner this has been the one of the hardest things about the past 3 months.
I'm happy to say that I won the battle, sort of. I have still had to remind myself to let the Lord take care of it, but I'm trying. I won't ask John to come home when I reach 37-38 weeks, I won't stay here if John gets a job and I am close to my due date. I won't worry about the trip, or packing, or whether I will be here or there when I deliver. I'm just going to go with it. At least I am going to try.
