Home is where your heart is

Home is where your heart is

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Discoveries in faith


Ten weeks they said, so we planned on ten weeks.  It has now been 14 weeks and we still don't know when John is coming home.  I have tried very hard to use those 14 weeks to learn as much as I can.  My theory is that we learn the most and grow the most when we are uncomfortable.  Well, I have definitely been uncomfortable.  I'm very pregnant, John is gone, I've spent most of those 14 weeks very sick, and every thing is harder without daddy here.  What have I learned?  I have learned that I can always turn to the Lord for comfort and help.  I have learned that I have a really great support system and to just say thank you when they help me.  I have learned how incredibly strong and capable I am, but also how very weak I am without the support of my helpmeet.  I have learned that as important as a clean house, teaching the kids to clean, nightly personal scriptures and prayers for the children, and learning time are, it's more important for my children to have a nice mommy.  Here's the big one: The lord is not only into the details of our lives, he WILL take care of the details.
That last one is the newest lesson, one I learned just last night in fact.  I did not sleep well a majority of the time because in addition to this lovely cough, I was stressed about being so close to my due date without John here.  What if he misses it?  What if I have to stay here alone with a newborn because John got a job, but couldn't wait for me?  What if in addition to a newborn I have to worry about getting packed and taking care of 3 little kids by myself?  What if...The list was endless.  Finally at some point, as I plead for peace and to be able to sleep the Spirit spoke to me.  I was told, though not in words, to stop worrying about the details and to stop trying to plan, to "Let me take care of it."  I have heard that before.  At times when I can't get Elizabeth to sleep and I am so tired I can't cope with it anymore I lay her down crying and plead for help and I hear "Let me take care of it."  And he does, he takes care of it the way a loving Father would and before long we can both be at peace and sleep.  It wasn't as comforting last night.  I had to struggle.  I have not struggled with my faith for along time, but last night I battled with myself.  I battled to give up control.
You see, I am not a controlling person, but I do like plans.  I like to make a plan, have a plan, or at least know the plan.  I plan birthdays and special occasions months in advance, I'm a planner.  I don't stress as much when I have a plan.  I have not been able to plan anything the past 14 weeks, not the important stuff anyway.  I can't plan where to live, where Glen will go to school, I can't make a budget, and I have no idea what I will find when I start looking for a midwife, a new dentist, a pediatrician, or or even how far to the local ward church house.  For a planner this has been the one of the hardest things about the past 3 months.
I'm happy to say that I won the battle, sort of.  I have still had to remind myself to let the Lord take care of it, but I'm trying.  I won't ask John to come home when I reach 37-38 weeks, I won't stay here if John gets  a job and I am close to my due date.  I won't worry about the trip, or packing, or whether I will be here or there when I deliver.  I'm just going to go with it.  At least I am going to try.

1 comment:

  1. That's the hardest part about faith for me--not knowing what's next and trusting that the Lord will take care of the details. It's been a long road for your family to be apart from each other and I pray that you will soon be reunited. This is a beautiful post!

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