I have mostly stopped doing Mary Kay. It's not because it was hard, hard work never stopped me from doing anything, although a good book sure has. :) It wasn't about the company or anything. It just wasn't right any more. Fore a few months I felt like it was right, and then I started to feel like something wasn't right. I wouldn't figure it out. I wasn't having success no matter how hard I tried, I just kept feeling like something was wrong. I figured it was me, I must have been doing something wrong. I had so many blessings and tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong. Every day the feeling of wrongness became stronger, I just couldn't stand it. I told John I didn't want to do Mary Kay any more. I stayed up late praying, thinking, and reading scriptures, searching for answers. I can across a saying I have on my fridge it says "There is joy in creating a home where faith can find a firm footing." How that tormented me. I couldn't do that. I was to stressed, I didn't have the time to clean, to teach my kids, I had stopped going to the gym and felt sick all the time, I didn't make healthy meals very often because I didn't have time. I missed that. I missed the mundane day after dayness of being a stay at home mom. I missed washing the same dishes, picking up the same toys, going over the alphabet 3 times to a kid who just isn't getting it. I missed the time when my biggest worry was finding a new park, a new hike, teaching Glen a new word, helping Benjamin learn to stop hitting. I missed my cheerful helpful kids, my happy husband. My mood, my stress, and business had affected them all and I hated it. I hated seeing what my absence was doing to my family. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to stop working. It wasn't like I worked 9-5, but I was gone, I was busy, I was stressed and even when I was home I couldn't just *be* home. I needed to stop. I prayed and fasted with John, I spoke with my bishop and we decided that it was right for me to stop. I feel how right it is. My kids need me FAR more then they need the little bit of extra money I was bringing in. They had been passed from one teenager baby sitter to the next, one tv show to the next. They had heard "I'm busy" so many times and they hated ti, I could tell. They felt like I had no time for them, and I didn't. That is gone now, I had realized how important being a stay at home mom is and not just saying I stay at home, but actually being there with my kids, in the moment so I could take the time to teach them and guide them.
I'm not saying Mary Kay is a bad company. I think Mary Kay Ash truly was inspired by God to start this company and I still want to be a part of it. I am still going to sell to my customers and family, but I won't be giving facials any more. I think if I was willing to spend the 15 hours they say it takes to be successful that I would have been, I was VERY successful for a bit, but I am not willing to sacrifice my kids for success, not ever. No success can make up for failure in the home. Maybe some day when my kids are all in school for most of the day I will go back to it, but for now I am content to stay home and give them all of the time and attention they need. I see so clearly how important that is. If it meas scraping by for the rest of our lives then so be it, at least my kids will feel that they had a mother who loved them and made sacrifices for them ,but did not sacrifice them.
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