So much it hurts

I know now what it feels like to want something so much it hurts.

Benjamin went into nursery for the first time today. It was the first Sunday that I had no baby to hold and my hands felt idle and my arms empty. Over the past few days I have had to hold back tears many times as I think of having another child. I want one so badly. I feel so strongly that there is a child, a little Elizabeth waiting to join our family. I want her so bad sometimes my heart huts with the ache of emptiness.

I feel selfish sometimes, I know there are so many who cannot have children or who have to work so hard for their babies. I feel so blessed for the two that I have and that they came easy. I feel humble. But I still feel incomplete, I know she is waiting to come. But so much has to fall into place before we can have another child. John needs a better job, he needs to finish school, we would need to find another place to live. The list seems so big and so daunting at times I lose faith and become impatient. But two years isn't that long, I just have to keep telling my self that, two years isn't that long.

And so I wait. I wait and I work and I prepare. I am trying to be a better mother. I am learning so much every day. I am making the most of the time I have with my sweet boys and playing hard with them. I do cherish them. So much. And until I get to have you I will wait, yearn, and shed more tears. I will try to be patient for my sweet child. My Elizabeth.