Peace

Ya know that feeling you get when you know your doing something right?  Something hard, but most definitely right?  I have had that all yesterday and all today.  It's a wonderful feeling of peace and joy.  I love this feeling, I love knowing that I am doing what is right even when it's hard, get to the point, right?  OK.
I have mostly stopped doing Mary Kay.  It's not because it was hard, hard work never stopped me from doing anything, although a good book sure has.  :)  It wasn't about the company or anything.  It just wasn't right any more.  Fore a few months I felt like it was right, and then I started to feel like something wasn't right.  I wouldn't figure it out.  I wasn't having success no matter how hard I tried, I just kept feeling like something was wrong.  I figured it was me, I must have been doing something wrong.  I had so many blessings and tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong.  Every day the feeling of wrongness became stronger, I just couldn't stand it.  I told John I didn't want to do Mary Kay any more.  I stayed up late praying, thinking, and reading scriptures, searching for answers.  I can across a saying I have on my fridge it says "There is joy in creating a home where faith can find a firm footing."  How that tormented me.  I couldn't do that.  I was to stressed, I didn't have the time to clean, to teach my kids, I had stopped going to the gym and felt sick all the time, I didn't make healthy meals very often because I didn't have time.  I missed that.  I missed the mundane day after dayness of being a stay at home mom.  I missed washing the same dishes, picking up the same toys, going over the alphabet 3 times to a kid who just isn't getting it.  I missed the time when my biggest worry was finding a new park, a new hike, teaching Glen a new word, helping Benjamin learn to stop hitting.  I missed my cheerful helpful kids, my happy husband.  My mood, my stress, and business had affected them all and I hated it.  I hated seeing what my absence was doing to my family.  I knew what I needed to do, I needed to stop working.  It wasn't like I worked 9-5, but I was gone, I was busy, I was stressed and even when I was home I couldn't just *be* home.  I needed to stop.  I prayed and fasted with John, I spoke with my bishop and we decided that it was right for me to stop.  I feel how right it is.  My kids need me FAR more then they need the little bit of extra money I was bringing in.  They had been passed from one teenager baby sitter to the next, one tv show to the next.  They had heard "I'm busy" so many times and they hated ti, I could tell.  They felt like I had no time for them, and I didn't.  That is gone now, I had realized how important being a stay at home mom is and not just saying I stay at home, but actually being there with my kids, in the moment so I could take the time to teach them and guide them.
I'm not saying Mary Kay is a bad company.  I think Mary Kay Ash truly was inspired by God to start this company and I still want to be a part of it.  I am still going to sell to my customers and family, but I won't be giving facials any more.  I think if I was willing to spend the 15 hours they say it takes to be successful that I would have been, I was VERY successful for a bit, but I am not willing to sacrifice my kids for success, not ever.  No success can make up for failure in the home.  Maybe some day when my kids are all in school for most of the day I will go back to it, but for now I am content to stay home and give them all of the time and attention they need.  I see so clearly how important that is.  If it meas scraping by for the rest of our lives then so be it, at least my kids will feel that they had a mother who loved them and made sacrifices for them ,but did not sacrifice them.

Bubbles

 Lately I have not been very good about taking time to be with my kids, doing what they want when they want it.  I'm not the type to give in to every little whim, but there is magic in giving a child what they want right when they ask for it.  Glen asks me to jump with him and I tell him to wait until I finish what I am writing down.  By the time I am done he doesn't want to jump anymore, I lost that moment.  See with my kids it's not that there are not plenty of special moments.  Almost every part of the day is a special moment as they discover something new, for me it's more about being a part of those moments.
Today we took Benjamin to get ice cream at Cold Stone.  There were a lot of cakes I wanted to look at to get decorating ideas, I'm still trying to perfect my ice cream cakes.  Anyway, as he sat there eating his ice cream he was learning something, discovering something.  It seems strange, but that ice cream with gummy bears and M&M's was magic to him.  I saw that.  I decided not to go investigate the cakes, I did not want to miss his magic moment. It would have happened if I had gotten up and left, but I would have missed it.
When is the last time going to the bathroom was a magical experience for you?  I know right?  I'm not crazy!  We went to City Creek as a family and Glen had to go to the bathroom.  There was a family bathroom so we went in there and Glen discovered automatically flushing toilets, automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers.  This is even stranger then ice cream, but for Glen it was a truly magical experience and I was there!  I saw the wonder in his eyes as he tried to figure out how the toilet flushed all on it's own and how the water turned on.  For kids, just about everything is a magical experience.
The whole point of this post, long in coming I know, but it's finally here!  The whole point of this post was to tell you about one of those moments today.  John wanted to take a nap and the kids wanted to play in the front so I took them out front with a book fully intending to sit ad read while they played.  But then we pulled out the bubbles.  Kids are drawn to bubbles!  Instead of burying my nose in a book I blew bubbles with the boys for a few minutes.  It was only a few minutes, and they spilled more then they blew, but I could see it in their eyes.  I could tell that this was my saying to them "I love you."  This was not just fun for them or relaxing for me, this was love.  Quality time isn't scheduled, it's something you just have to grab when you see it.  Most of the time I don't even realize how important it will be.  Like blowing bubbles, or snagging a hug as he runs by playing tag at the park, jumping up to kiss a boo boo.
I feel like I am rambling here, I guess I'm just feeling really sentimental.  I am so grateful for my sweet boys.  They are my world, no, they are the sun my world revolves around.  I am grateful for every hug, every kiss, and every magical moment that I hold on to.  I hope some day they can look back at the bubbles, the slip and slide, the reading parties, and the late night tickles and ignore all the mistakes I have made, all those things that make me feel like a bad mom.  I hope and pray that the bubbles are bigger then the mistakes.

I'm going to enjoy this

I'm a pretty independent woman, I like being able to do stuff on my own.  I think it stems from this idea I got in high school that I wasn't as good as boys because i was a girl.  In college I worked in facilities maintenance.  It was a predominately male group I worked with and some times the boys would tell me to sit back and let them handle the work.  Some women might enjoy that, but I hated it.  To me it was another way for them to say I wasn't as good as them.  There were a couple who actually thought that, but I showed them by becoming their boss :)  The rest were just trying to be nice.  John is like that, he is nice.  I know it's silly, but it used to bug me when he would lift heavy things for me or help me when I didn't need it.  He did it all the time when I was pregnant with Glen and Benjamin and it bugged me!  I mean I was pregnant, not broken!  I decided a few months ago that next time I was pregnant I was going to sit back and relax when he told me to.  I would enjoy it instead of resent it.  Yup.  That's what I'm doing.  He is cleaning the house today and he told me to sit down and rest.  I am definitely enjoying this!  :D  There will be plenty of times when I have to work hard, when I am told to take it easy I am going to say "Thank you very much" and enjoy it!  Excuse me while I go grab a book and find a seat on the couch.

Pregnancy the 3rd

When I was pregnant with Glen and Benjamin I tired to stay out of pictures as much as I could.  I hated being photographed.  There are very few pictures of me, especially when pregnant.  I wanted this one to be different though.  I have waited so long and more importantly I am so much more confident then I ever was.  Being in Mary Kay has helped me gain so much confidence and self esteem that even though I am not as slim and flat as I want to be I can still love myself. I love who I have become and who I am daily becoming.  So with this new found confidence I am going to keep a record of myself while I am pregnant.  Not every day, that would get old, but the important things.
This is the week I found out I was pregnant.  I'm only 5 weeks so I am not showing, but I am so ecstatic I can hardly stand it.  So far I have had pretty bad morning sickness (all day by the way) and pretty bad headaches.  I just got a stuffed nose and sneezes today so the headache my be from the cold.  I have been insanely tired most days and having a few weird cravings, like pickles on top of eggs, and just today my favorite Jamba juice no longer appeals to my, but my husbands did so we traded.  :)  Oh, and the smell of ripe bananas makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.  So far it hasn't been easy, but I just keep telling myself "I'm going to have a bay!"  And then I remember why women put themselves through pregnancy.  Do some people actually enjoy this?  The feeling of excitement yes, but some days I'm hard pressed to remember how excited I am over how sick I am.  :)  But I can't let that slow me down.  I have a baby on the way and darn it!  I[m going to be a director by then so I am going to work mu butt off and get there by the end of the year...hopefully by the end of the summer.
Until next time...