Dear Jen

Dear Jen,
I used to think of you every day.  I'd walk by that bassinet your sister gave me at your funeral, the one we all knew you would have given to me if you were there.  You were always finding a home for baby stuff your sisters didn't need any more.  When Abigail got too big for the bassinet I kept it, I couldn't get rid of it.  When we moved...well, there just wasn't room and it broke my heart, but I had to send it away. I almost cried, like I was sending away part of you.
We're back in Utah now and I drive by your house every week.  Each time I think I should stop and say hi, but I can't.  I want to introduce you to my little Abigail Jennifer, I guess she isn't little any more.  She is always happy, like you were.  But then you got to meet her before I did, didn't you?  Do you remember when I came to say good bye?  That's the day I knew her name.  I hadn't been able to figure out what her name was, strange, since with the other three I knew almost immediately, but not Abigail, why couldn't I figure it out?  Nothing sounded right.  Then as I walked away from the hospital that day, I remember feeling sort of numb and I got out the doors and I felt her move and I just cried because you would never know her and even worse, she would never know a world with you in it.  Then I knew, somehow she would have something of you.  Her name.  Thanks for sharing my dear friend.
So back to the bassinet.  It's gone.  I don't cry over it anymore, I'm sure it's keeping another baby happy and you would have liked that more then me hanging on to it for a stuffed animal crib.  Now I think of you in the morning.  I have that peach foot scrub that smells so good.  I think of you every time I see it, use it, or smell it because I gave you a bottle.  One day you were over at my house and your feet were hurting so John and I set out a towel and a basin of water and had you soak your feet.  Then we scrubbed them with that amazing smelling foot scrub and we both took turns rubbing your feet.  And there you sat on the couch protesting the whole time, not that we listened to a word of it. :)
Should I make you a purple zebra cake again this year like I always do on your birthday? I haven't missed a year since you had us over to swim.  One year we even celebrated your birthday in Nauvoo.  :)  I'm so glad we hung out that day before your surgery.  We went to a movie and then shopping.  You wanted a head scarf just in case they shaved your head, but couldn't decide what to get.  I would have bought any of them for you, but I didn't think you needed one.  I thought about shaving my head too. Then we could have both been bald and beautiful. :)
It's gotten easier, living without you, but only a little.  I still cry, but less often.  My heart hurts, it aches when I think of you.  I miss you.  I can't wait to see you again.
Love always,
Your friend

The D word

It's a nasty, yucky word, full of icky-ness.  Divorce.  The word alone breaks my heart. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Before I got married it was not even an option, as newlyweds, it wasn't even an option.  Whoa! Maybe I should pause to reassure you, I'm not breaking any sort of news here on the blog. Feeling better now? Good. Now back to my musings.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love, happily ever after, isn't that how the story goes?  Nope.  Not at all.  See, what the fairy tale fails to mention is that the happy, giddy, butterfly feeling won't last very long and when it's gone, what's next?  No one told me what to do, no one even warned me it would happen.  Lets go back about 8 years.  I had been married about a year and I realized that I wasn't in love any more.  how did that happen?  When did that happen?  John was a great guy and I enjoyed spending time with him, but I just didn't love him any more.  I didn't believe in the D word, I wouldn't even let myself think it.  Instead I faced years stuck in a marriage with a man I felt nothing for any more.  Ouch!  That was a long, ugly road I also didn't want to go down, so what was I going to do?  I remember sitting in the temple pleading for guidance.  What should I do?  I didn't love my husband any more, but I wasn't even thinking about that other, yucky word.  A voice whispered to get out while I still could. Yep, I'll ignore that one.  So I kept praying and it was like Jesus came and sat on the couch next to me so we could have a talk.
"Who is the first person you want to talk to when you leave the temple?"
"John!"
"Who do you want to talk to about your day?"
"John."
"Who do you love to sit with, laugh with, and read with?"
"John."
"Who do you feel the safest with?"
"John."
I'm noticing a pattern.  And then I was ready for the sweetest part.  I realized that I did love John, but you knew that already didn't you?  You already know how this story ends, so let me fill in the middle.  I realized that when you first meet someone and fall in love it's full of excitement and newness, it's full of butterflies and stolen kisses. And then you get married and back to regular life. You get busy with work and maybe kids.  You fall into a routine, comfortable with each other.  Maybe you miss it, I did.  You both change, the way you feel changes.  My love for John was still there, but it had changed to something different, something more solid, deeper, more enduring.  It will always be there.  Even when I am being buried in dirty laundry and diapers.  When life is so hectic I hardly get to see him all week and we miss our date because of one reason or another it's still there, running deep, like underground water.  A life spring that might be missed if you don't know what to look for.
Now here we are almost 9 years later and I gotta tell you, life has gotten tough.  It's busy and hectic, stressful, but still amazing because it's our life.  But sometimes in the hectic day to day I start to hear that voice again, the one trying to convince me we aren't in love any more and I have to look deep inside to find the deep abiding love.  But its still there, it's always there.  It will always be there, but I have to work to keep it.

I am who I am and I am O.K.

I thought long and hard about this before I wanted to attempt putting it into words.  I didn't know who to say what I wanted to say, but I knew it needed to be said.  I think I am ready, I pray for guidance.

I have a friend who has really been struggling the past few years.  She is one of my best friends and I have tried so hard to help her in any way I can.  Too often I feel helpless, but she tells me I have helped her, that I have inspired her.  One day as we talked on the phone I started to tell her some things from my past.  I have a...how to put this...complicated past.  It is filled with years of abuse, hospitalizations, therapy, homes, rape, and struggles with anxiety and depression because of those things, just to scratch the surface.  I told her a little about it, I'm a pretty private person and I don't usually say much about it but she said "Wow, I never knew you struggled, I mean I guess everyone does but I never thought of you as being like me."  That hit me really hard.  I have not tried to hide who I am, I am not ashamed of what I have been through, on the contrary it is who I am, it is because of those struggles that I have become the person I am.
Do you remember this talk* by Elder Holland?  It's been the big thing for a lot of my friends.  I loved it so much.  I won't talk mush about it, but encourage you to go read it.  The way I see it the world wants us to think that if we are not perfect, happy, talented, and wonderful all the time then there must be something wrong with us.  We feel the need to hide it.  We have to pretend everything is ok and we are happy.  Don't believe me?  If you ask someone how they are doing do they really tell you or give you the automatic "I'm fine." response.  Sometimes we really are fine, but we don't always have to be.
So here is what I have to say to my friend, I hope you are seeing this.  We are who we are.  God made us this way, the good and the bad.  We struggle because we need to to grow.  Our trials and heart aches are nothing to be ashamed of, they are nothing to hide.  They are a part us us as surly as our ability to smile or cry.  The bitter and the sweet are a necessary part of His plan, they are part of having agency.  I say to you, and to all who are struggling with one thing or another, you are ok.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are special.  Let your light shine.
When I start to feel depressed or anxious I start to count my blessings, hug my babies, pray, and be positive.  It does not totally chase away the darkness, but it gives me hope and light, it reminds me that I am ok and that everything will be ok.


*Like a Broken Vessel https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Beautiful

This is me.  Hi world!
I'm about to talk about a sensitive subject, so fasten your seat belt.  There are so many articles, opinions, and rules about what we can and cannot say about beauty, especially to young girls, I thought I'd add my two cents.
I'm no great beauty as you can see, I'm quite plain, except for that gorgeous hair, sweet smile, my feet and finger nails, those are awesome.  My husband get mad at me whenever I say I'm plain or anything that could even be construed as putting myself down.  What he doesn't understand is that when I say I'm plain or chubby, or I look bad I'm not putting myself down, I'm making an observation.  I am over weight, it's a fact.  I don't mind though because my kids mean more to me then being skinny.  I got this body bearing my babies and I wouldn't go back to that slim thing I was before I got married...unless I could keep the kids too, that would be cool.  I also don't mind being plain, usually.  I like who I am, I am ok with the way I look.  I have yet to love the way I look, but I'm working on it.  Why do I say this?
In about 3 seconds you will be two cents richer because here it is.  I think beauty boils down to two things.  Comparisons and confidence.  Two C's, two cents, hahaha, that's fun...I like words, but back to what I was saying.  I am beautiful because I am me, not because I am me trying to be her.  I don't compare myself to others and I am comfortable in my own skin.  Think of your idea of a beautiful woman or handsome man and then ask yourself this, if they lack confidence do they feel beautiful?  Nope.  Beauty is on the inside, it is about the way we act, but it's also about the way we feel.
I have two girls so this while beauty thing has been on my mind a lot.  I want them to feel beautiful.  My genes probably won't help them with the worldly side of beauty, but I hope that my smarts can help them.  If I can teach them confidence, if I can teach them to love themselves, and be comfortable in their own skin, then they will be beautiful no matter what they look like.
Think of the most attractive person you know, not the hot movie star, a real person you are attracted to.  I use the word literally, not in the I want to date you way, but the are you drawn tot hem way.  You are attracted to this person, or drawn to them for a reason.  Usually that reason in confidence, it really does make a person more beautiful because they feel beautiful.
Our bodies are beautiful, amazing creation that God has given us.  He asks us to take care of them, but he doesn't compare us or judge our beauty.  There are no beauty pageants in Heaven.  We are divine and because we are His, because we are wonderful and amazing then we are beautiful.  There are as many shades of beauty as there are shades of color, each one different and unique, but still beautiful.

Let the Adventure continue

I tell my kids that a bad attitude is like a flat tire, you don't get very far until you change it.  I need a minute to change my own flat tire here...ok, I'm good, thanks.  I have been stuck in a rut for the past few days.  I am pretty sure it is mostly doe to the baby blues I get for a few weeks after each baby, it won't last long and then I'll be back to my cheeky self again.  Until then I'll have to look at it as a challenge.
Today was tough.  I was running some errands and stressing about...pretty much everything.  I realized that my bad attitude was interferring with my ability to do the will of Heavenly Father.  I was spending so much time focusing on all the things I don't like here and all of the people I miss back in Utah that I was not focusing on finding people to serve, opportuinites to be a missionary and all of the reasons that I was so excited to move out of state.
I have really been looking forward to going to church.  At first I was aching for something familiar, and I still do, but now I am looking forward tot he spiritual recharge I will get, the calling I am sure is going to come, and the request to speak in sacrament meeting that won't be too far in the future I am sure.  I have worked really hard the last 2 years to be more outgoing and comfortable in my own skin.  It is that which I have worked so hard for that will help me to be a light to others, to serve, love, and do as Heavenly Father would have me do.  I am here because He sent me here and I can't wait to put down some roots and really bloom, even if it is only temporary.
So, good bye to my bad attitude and hello new challenge and adventure.  I love adventures, and I even love challenges.  I'm ready!

Storms of life

Two of my favorite sayings are "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." and "Sometimes the Lord quiets the storm to calm the child and sometimes He calms the child and lets the storm rage on."
Yesterday during family scriptures we read about the brother of Jared and his family as the built boats and got ready to go to the promised land.  If you remember the Lord told them to build the boats in such a way that they were water-proof, "Tight like unto a dish."  The reason for this is that when they got going the Lord steered them towards the promised land using a continuous, strong wind. (See Ether 6:5 and 8)
I have read this story more times then I can count, but for some reason it really struck home to me yesterday.  Perhaps it because I feel like the past few months everything imaginable has hit me, my husband is gone, I was really sick for a long time, sick kids, I got sick again, 10 weeks turned into "I don't know when I can come home, dear." and at times I have felt like it was more then I could handle.  In the scriptures there is wind, a lot of it, "Furious wind," but the important part is that that wind was continually getting them closer to this great place the Lord had in mind for them.
We stopped at that point to talk about it.  Wind usually means a storm.  Storms usually represent something bad is about to happen or is happening.  So maybe the Lord uses hard times to propel us to where He wants us to go.  Was it hard for them to be stuck in those boats being pushed around by the wind and the waves?  I bet it was super tough and at time they thought they couldn't take much more.  But what was at the end?  They reached the promised land.  A beautiful, fruitful place where they would be safe and happy.
Sometimes the storms of life are tough, sometimes I feel like they are more then I can handle, but now I can remember that the Lord is using them to help me get where He wants me to be and that place is better then where I am now.  It is a place where I will be safe and happy and closer to him.  I can also remember that the wind helps trees to become stronger, and this storm will help me to become stronger as well.

Living a dream

Since I was a small girl one of my dreams has been to write a book.  As I have gotten older that desire has only become greater.  I kind of gave up though.  See, I'm not very good at details or monologues and a story is no good without both.  I have tried writing stories and books many times and each time I have been so dissatisfied I could not continue.
Well, last night I read an article in the news about a mother of a special needs child who hated to be told she was wonderful because she just didn't feel wonderful.  I thought that's about what every mom feels like.  I have yet to meet a mother who feels as truly wonderful as they are.  I spent the next hour or so having a conversation with this woman and my husband in my head.  I told them how I have come to be able to see myself with more love and patience because I try to see myself as God sees me.  To Him, I am wonderful because He made me and I am His.  He loves me, not because I am perfect, but because I am trying so hard.  To Him, I am wonderful and so when I get a compliment I can see myself as he sees me and know that I really am pretty great.
At the end of this long conversation I knelt down to say my prayers and told Heavenly Father that I had never asked for this desire out loud before because I never felt qualified, but I really want to be an inspirational speaker.  I told him I knew he had given me gifts to encourage and inspire people and I wanted to use those gifts.  Then the thought came to write a book.  What a great idea!  In a non fiction book I don't need to worry about tons of details and making up conversations that seem real.  In this book I could just share my thoughts and let the spirit guide me and it would work.
So here I go, I'm starting a new journey.  I don't know how it will end up, maybe nothing will happen, maybe something really good will happen.  I know that wherever the Lord leads me I will go and I will do.  It will be a great experience and I am sure I will grow immensely.  And maybe, just maybe along the way I'll get my hearts desire and find someone to encourage and inspire,  maybe I can help them see themselves as the Lord sees them and they will see how amazing they are!

The kingdom of Heaven is like Leven

Mathew 13:33 Another Parable spake he unto them; The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened. 

This parable was brought up the other day in church and for the first time I got it, I mean really got it. It's probably all the baking I do, but I could visualize how important yeast is.  See that tiny little pile?  That's about 1 tablespoon of yeast.  That big bowl has 6 cups of flour in it.  That tiny little pile gets mixed in with the flour and even though it's really small it makes that large amount of flour rise into two beautiful loaves of bread. Like so;

It's more then double the size it was when I shaped the loaf.
In Sunday school the teacher said that the amount of leaven is small, but it is that small amount that raises the whole loaf of bread.  As true followers of Christ our numbers may be small, but we can have a great impact on the world and we can raise others.  Every kind word, act of service, or testimony born helps to raise others.
"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6
I love these little treasures in the gospel!

Better half or other half?

I used to love it when I heard husbands talking about their wives, saying things like "Where would I bee without her?"  "She is the boss, I just pretend." "She is my better half"  "I'm her assistant."  Let's put a little emphasis on used to.  Lately I have been thinking that those husbands are just putting themselves down. I can understand why they say things like that.  Husbands want their wives to feel loved and important.  As women we are so hard on ourselves that we need to be built up constantly by others.  It's just too easy to feel ugly, stupid, or like your a bad mother or wife.  I love that they try to help, but I think there is another way.
I do not want to be my husbands better half, or have him be my better half, he is my other half and I am his other half.  Together we are whole, we compliment each other.  I do not want to be better then him, ahead of him, or dragging him along.  I want to be his equal, walking beside him hand in hand.  I didn't marry him to feel good about myself, I married him because I love him and he completes me.
I feel loved and need when he notices how hard I worked to clean the kitchen, or says thank you for cooking a meal.  I feel important when he comes home early because he missed me or when he teaches our boys to respect me.  I feel special when he opens my door or gives me his seat.  When he carries something heavy for me, or tells me to go sit down so he can put the boys to bed.  I am perfectly capable of doing all these things on my own, but when he gives me a hand I know he does it because he loves me and wants me to feel loved.  He does it because then he feels needed and important.  If I did everything on my own just because I could he would not feel like my other half, he would feel like I didn't need him at all.  It goes both ways then, doesn't it?
Let us build each other up my by putting ourselves down, but by showing through our actions and words just how important the other one is.

So Blessed

Today during church as I tried to get two little, energy filled boys to sit still and be reverent instead of playing, laughing, or running up to daddy who was helping pass the sacrament I started to feel a little frazzled.  I mean that tough stuff.  But at some point they both calmed down and sat quietly next to me, one on each side.  As I sat there holding my boys I suddenly felt so full of love, so very blessed.  I felt like my blessing were overflowing.  Maybe it's because they were finally settled down and quiet, maybe it was the spirit of the meeting, or maybe it was Heavenly Father reminding me to slow down and enjoy them.  Maybe it was all of it.
And so I sat there and just enjoyed the moment.  Lately I have been so busy, running form one place tot he next.  Trying to can, get Glen to school, keep the house clean, have good quality learning time with both kids, bake, serve,...the list is endless really.  I just wanted to enjoy this moment.  I wanted to hug them and kiss their heads and just enjoy how blessed I am.  With one boy on each side and a little one in the middle (sort of :) I just wanted to enjoy it, so I did.  And then it was back to tying to keep the calm and quiet.
Well, as I sat here a minute ago thinking of all the things I have to do tomorrow, finish canning the peaches, clean the house, take Glen to and from school, learning time, make dinner for my neighbor, and finish decorating the cupcakes..I'm sure there is more, I realized I just can't do it all.  I have been so busy that I have not taken the time to enjoy my life, my sweet boys, or see how blessed I am.  I prioritized, and I hope I did it right.  Some things are good, and some things are better.  I have to make sure I have not filled my time with so many good things that I am leaving out the best things.  With soccer starting soon that is one more thing, then a new baby, then I need to start volunteering in Glen's class.  Some of these things are going to have to take a back seat so I can enjoy my life and my boys.  I realized I have stopped reading them stories and playing with them.  How could I let that happen, how could I let myself get so busy that I stopped giving them the time and attention they need?
I am so grateful for that moment in church today when Heavenly Father reminded me to slow down and take the time to love them.  Formal learning time has taken a back seat, but at least now I will have time to teach them about love, and service, and the Spirit.  I truly am so blessed, and I do not want to be so busy that I fail to see all my blessings, especially my two biggest little blessings.  My sweet boys.

Choose your words wisely

I have discovered again why it is best not to judge.  You see, we never know exactly what is going on when someone says or does something.  Even if we happen to know the situation we do not know the thoughts, intents, or heart of anyone.  I made a mistake today, I said something without knowing all of the information and I quickly regretted it.  But as easily as words can be deleted off of Facebook, they cannot be taken back.    I am upset with myself for what I said because I realized after getting more information that what I said would come come across as hurtful, not what I had intended.  So I tried to make it better.  I apologized and explained myself.  Then to make matters even worse some one said something to me that was hurtful because she did not have all of the information concerning what I had said.  Now not only do I feel bad for what I said, but for what she said to me. 

None of this will make any sense to you I am sure, I just needed to get my feeling out before I burst.  I am a very feeling person and so I deeply feel my mistakes, but to have them rubbed in my face hurts me so much more.  I must learn to choose my words wisely.  I came across a quote recently that I love. "Be careful of words and hearts, because once spoken words cannot be taken back, and once broken hearts are hard to mend."  I didn't get it exactly right, but you get the jist.  Be careful what you say is what I really get out of it.  My words cannot be taken back and they can hurt someone.  Next time I feel like saying that is not pure love, I will think harder about it and if it could hurt someone.

Deep thoughts

Today I heard on the radio about California being very in debt and how the government is in debt. There is never enough money and everyone wants more then they have. I say that is the key, everyone wants more then they have. I was very blessed at a young age to learn to be happy with what I have. I figure it's like this, you can try to have what you want or want what you have. Having what you want is not always the same as wanting what you have.

I often think of the way people lived years ago. A simpler time, so to say. Many people had very little compared to what we have today, but they we still happy. One or two toys and children were satisfied. One Sunday dress and shirt, that's all that was needed.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all that we have I feel so blessed. But I am trying to get back to the simpler way of thinking. We do not need the latest, greatest toys. There are things far more important, like family time and love. The thought behind the gift is far better then the gift. I hate getting a gift that I can tell was a last minute gift. I would rather get a gift that had had thought put into it. I do not care about the price, it is the thought.

It is hard in such a materialistic world to have a non-materialistic attitude, but I really want my children to learn that people, love, and companionship are much better then "things."

Grumpy

RAWR! I woke up in an ok mood, then *someone* refused to go to the bathroom. That same someone got put Popsicles and when I said no Popsicles for breakfast two little someones started screaming their head off. More screaming over cereal, then again with getting dress, then some more over chores. Is it any wonder I'm grumpy too? I have found that grumps feed off of each other.

Now that I have discovered the problem, grumpy mommy, then I can stop being grumpy, right? Easier said then done. I know that I have the ability to choose my mood, and how I react, but sometimes it is really hard to stop being grumpy. Every time I think of Glen grabbing the scissors and cutting up his new horse, giving his brother a hair cut, and destroying a new book, I really feel like growling. Grrr! But I have found something that helps me feel less grumpy. Music. the very best music for me is the music that helps me feel Heavenly Father's Spirit. Luckily I can download all the children's songs and church hymns for free on this website. http://lds.org/churchmusic/ Some of the other songs I really like are country songs. There are some really good ones out there, but the best ones for a grumpy mommy are the songs that talk about being a family and cherishing every moment.

I have been listening to church music as I sit here and type and thinking of those country songs I like. I still feel a little on edge, but with some effort I can turn my day around and choose to be happy. I want to be happy. I hate being grumpy because I end up taking it out on my children and it just breaks my heart to think that I am making them sad. I love them. That's it, I choose right now to be happy today!

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Oh boy did I have a rough day yesterday! I didn't feel well and I was impatient and emotional and people said and did some mean things. It was a really hard day and I was feeling really sorry for myself. That night when John got home from work he asked me how my day was and I told, in tears, him all the rotten things that had happened to me that day. After I had calmed down we said our couple prayer together and John thanked the Lord for the day. After the day I had just had I wished that it had never happened and I wasn't grateful at all.

I knew as soon as I finished that thought that it was wrong. I thought back on my day as I got ready for bed and I started to focus less on the terrible parts, and more on the happy parts. I got to sleep in since I wasn't feeling well. As soon as I woke up Benjamin yelled "mamma!" and ran smiling into my arms, I got to hear the kids laughing and playing with daddy for a few minutes before he left for work, we had time to play together, I made Glen's day be letting him have a few extra minutes in the play area at Charles Jr. and he came down the slide just to give me a kiss and say "I love you." After thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that it wasn't such a terrible no good day, it was a normal day. But it was a day where I chose to focus on the two or three things that bothered me to the point of excluding the huge list of things that made it such a wonderful day. I heard once that we get what we focus on consistently, that is why I try to be positive and not complain. So on those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days I am going to try and find some things that are good, and ya know what? I don't think it will be all that hard.

"Genderless" Child?

OK, so ya know that couple in Canada that wants to raise a "Genderless" child? Oh dear!

The first Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints issued this proclamation on the family in 1995. Here is what the Prophet and Apostles have to say.

"All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

If I may share my thoughts on this story... I have two boys. When they were born there were a lot of decisions to be made. One that my husband and I agreed on very strongly was that we wanted to avoid the world's view that boys and men are "Macho, don't cry, tough, do guy stuff." I wanted my boys to feel like it was ok to show emotion, to cry if they wanted to, to show affection and be sensitive. I did not want to limit the way they dresses, acted, or the toys they played with as long as they stayed within the proper bounds as we saw them by the gospel of Christ.

In the bible it says that boys don't wear girl cloths and girls don't wear boys clothes Dueteronomy 22:5.

I used to hate being a girl, I wanted to be a boy so I could do all the cool stuff like play football and fix things with tools. I wanted to be in scouts not stuck with the girls painting nails. But as I got older I started discovering the difference between men and women. God made us the way we are. He made us male and female and He gave us divine attributes to help us. Men, usually the providers of the family are strong, hard working, and focused. They are great at what they do. Women, normally the mommies at home, are nurturing, loving, and instinctive. These attributes are God given, important attributes. I would not trade being a woman for the world now. Being a woman allows me to have children, be a mother, and give my kids what they need to grow up to be strong, righteous, intelligent children of God. My husband also takes joy in his role as a man. He enjoys working hard to provide for us, wrestling with the kids, and protecting us. The attributes he has from God are important just like mine are and they compliment each other and help us to work together more effectively. God's plan is perfect, He made us the way we are and nothing in the world will change that. Because His plan is perfect we as His children are part of perfection.

Pre-school debate

I have been thinking about pre-school lately. Glen, my oldest, is so very smart and he loves learning and reading. He has such a passion for life and learning that I want him to have great learning opportunities. I have asked around to friends, family, other mom's and teachers. There are so many opinions. (Please feel free to share your opinions one way or the other.)

Some say that there is no need for pre-school if you are a stay at home mom, you can teach your own kids. There is a large list of reasons not to send a child, money, worry over safety, having the child "leave home" early. Others have a huge list of reasons for sending a child to pre-school. Social interaction, coping skills, a great learning environment, it's fun, it helps kids get ahead start in school.

And so the debate is on. I know Glen would love it. So far he knows the alphabet and sounds, he can sight read a few words and is beginning to sound words out, he can almost count to 20, he cuts, follows instructions, and tries to write letters. I took a test for him that put him almost at the level kids need to be for kindergarten. So I would not send him for the learning necessarily, though I know he would learn a lot and love it. He does not have a lot of friends his age, but he is very kind and social. I am not worried about him going, though it will be sort of sad, I still think his joy at learning will make up for the hours I miss him.

If he went it would give me a little one on one time with Benjamin, time we don't often get. It would also give me a sort of break, some times I feel so burned out chasing after two toddlers. And here we are with the guilt. I can't help thinking that is I was a better mother I would not need to send him because I could teach him all he needs to know for school. If I was a better mother then I wouldn't feel so burned out. Part of me feels so guilty, almost like I am sending him away because I do not want him. I assure you that is not the case, I love my sweet angels beyond words, it's just my mommy guilt.

Please share your thoughts with me. Have you had success with pre-school, or do you think it's a bad idea?

He'll Carry You

I am a very down to Earth kinda gal. I'm still emotional, but I know that some things won't fix a problem. Crying will not clean up the spilled milk, or get a new cup of milk. Moping around won't help me feel happier. I believe that happiness is a choice. I choose not to cry over spilled milk, I choose to clean it up and get a new cup. I choose not to mope around the house when I am feeling down, but go out and do service or do something fun so I feel better.

But what about when the choice isn't mine? How can I stop my heart from hurting when my baby is in pain? How can I stop the ache when I see my friend making choices that hurt her? What do I do when the choice is not mine, when someone chooses to hold onto the pain?

Today in church we learned about agency, choice. God gave us all agency when we were bone on this Earth. No one can take away our agency. I cannot take away the sickness in my child, I cannot make choices for my friend, or convince someone to let go of the pain THEY choose to hold onto. Not even when it hurts me so much I want to cry, not even when I feel like my heart will break. But there IS something I can do. I can pray. There are some hearts only the Lord can heal, some pain only He can take away.

Heavenly Father sees our hearts, our pain, and the tears that we cry. He will bring us peace, He will comfort us, heal us, and make us whole. I know He will. I have felt His healing in my heart. I cannot heal all pain, as much as I would like to, I cannot, but He can.

PS. When you are having a hard time check out this song by Hillary Weeks "He'll Carry You." It is one of my favorites and it helps me get through the tough times.

Storms and Prayer

I have had a lot on my mind lately, hence the thoughtful posts instead of the cute kids posts, don't worry, they will come back.

I just finished reading a really great article The un-miracle of the tornado prayer. It got me thinking of my own struggles recently. I haven't had anything big to deal with, but I have been fighting an internal battle, of sorts, for the past few days. I battle fear and anxiety. I have prayed for the struggle to cease, for the strength to do what needs to be done despite the fact that I am driven to distraction, I have prayed to know what to do, but mostly I just want it all to go away. I am such a wimp sometimes.

Even though I have prayed often, fervently, and faithfully the struggle remains, the battle is still being fought. Why? I know the Lord answers our prayers so why isn't he answering mine? HE IS! The Lord ALWAYS answers our prayers. I know he does. That doesn't mean that He is going to take away our problems or struggles, but He will strengthen us, give us peace, and teach us through it all. Reading that article just confirmed all that I know. He does hear our prayers, and even when He does not answer with what we want He DOES answer.

I have not ceased to feel afraid, the battle with in has not ceased, but I feel peaceful. I can feel a sense of peace even as my insides clutch with fear. I know that I am doing well, that I am helping others. And even when my brain fuzzes over with fear and my stomach feels like it's being twisted in knots (constant feelings the past feel days) I am still able to be a good mother and do the task the Lord has set before me.

‎"Some times the Lord quiets the storm to calm the child, and sometimes He calms the child and lets the storm rage on." For now the storm rages on, but I am calm.

Today is the day!

Today is the day I make my choice. I get to choose, and I choose not to live by fear.

I have an anxiety disorder. I have worked really hard to overcome it, to not let it rule my life. I have come far. I used to have so many anxiety attacks that I could hardly go anywhere or do anything without panicking and starting to hyperventilate. I have to say the singles ward helped me immensely. I wanted to have friends and do fun stuff with them so I had to get over it. And can you just see me on a first date with a really cute guy and I start to panic and he doesn't know what to do? A second dates not happening, right? It took a lot of work, but I got to the point where people thought I was just shy. Shy I could deal with and so could other people.

The thing about having a panic attack in public was that I was so embarrassed I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide forever, but I think it scares other people more then it scares me. It has probably been years since I have had a full blown anxiety attack, but I had one last night. I wont say what caused it, I'm not even sure I really know. What I do know is the stupidest reason in the world. We had a friend over, we were playing games, and again I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide forever.

I know that Satan has tools that he uses to try and control us. He uses fear against me, it is one of my greatest weaknesses. But today I choose not to let him use fear against me any more. "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear." I know I will always feel fear, I will always feel afraid, I have come to deal with that fact. But I also realize that there are things more important then fear. I choose to see what is more important and focus on that. We get what we focus on consistently.

Today I choose to live by faith, not fear.

Hope of the Resurrection

Sunday a person in my mother in law's ward died, I read about deaths on the news, and today I found out someone in my ward with cancer does not have long to live. Add that to my general sense of depression and I am feeling pretty down.

I took my boys on a walk today and as I saw the beautiful weather and felt the warm sun I started to dance and feel happy again. Then I stopped my self with the thought "How can I be happy when there are so many suffering." I had to stop that thought from depressing me further. I need to enjoy the sun, the beautiful sky, and my sweet boys and wonderful family. There will always be suffering somewhere in the world, but getting depressed over it will not do a lick of good.

Instead I am trying to focus on hope. Specifically the hope of resurrection. I am trying to remember that because Christ died and rose again we too can be with those we love.

I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that he lived for us, and that he died for us. I know that on the third day he rose again. He can heal our broken hearts and help us be whole again. He loves us more then we could ever know. I know that in our darkest hour, in the times when we cannot continue on our own He is there to carry us. He lives!