I used to think of you every day. I'd walk by that bassinet your sister gave me at your funeral, the one we all knew you would have given to me if you were there. You were always finding a home for baby stuff your sisters didn't need any more. When Abigail got too big for the bassinet I kept it, I couldn't get rid of it. When we moved...well, there just wasn't room and it broke my heart, but I had to send it away. I almost cried, like I was sending away part of you.
We're back in Utah now and I drive by your house every week. Each time I think I should stop and say hi, but I can't. I want to introduce you to my little Abigail Jennifer, I guess she isn't little any more. She is always happy, like you were. But then you got to meet her before I did, didn't you? Do you remember when I came to say good bye? That's the day I knew her name. I hadn't been able to figure out what her name was, strange, since with the other three I knew almost immediately, but not Abigail, why couldn't I figure it out? Nothing sounded right. Then as I walked away from the hospital that day, I remember feeling sort of numb and I got out the doors and I felt her move and I just cried because you would never know her and even worse, she would never know a world with you in it. Then I knew, somehow she would have something of you. Her name. Thanks for sharing my dear friend.
So back to the bassinet. It's gone. I don't cry over it anymore, I'm sure it's keeping another baby happy and you would have liked that more then me hanging on to it for a stuffed animal crib. Now I think of you in the morning. I have that peach foot scrub that smells so good. I think of you every time I see it, use it, or smell it because I gave you a bottle. One day you were over at my house and your feet were hurting so John and I set out a towel and a basin of water and had you soak your feet. Then we scrubbed them with that amazing smelling foot scrub and we both took turns rubbing your feet. And there you sat on the couch protesting the whole time, not that we listened to a word of it. :)
Should I make you a purple zebra cake again this year like I always do on your birthday? I haven't missed a year since you had us over to swim. One year we even celebrated your birthday in Nauvoo. :) I'm so glad we hung out that day before your surgery. We went to a movie and then shopping. You wanted a head scarf just in case they shaved your head, but couldn't decide what to get. I would have bought any of them for you, but I didn't think you needed one. I thought about shaving my head too. Then we could have both been bald and beautiful. :)
It's gotten easier, living without you, but only a little. I still cry, but less often. My heart hurts, it aches when I think of you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you again.
Love always,
Your friend
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