Benjamin was born big and healthy. There were no concerns and I went home early without a doubt that he would be as sweet and easy as Glen. That first night was hard, a bit of a nightmare really. He cried almost non stop. Then he started puking. He was throwing up so much I thought he wasn't keeping enough food so I'd feed him again and try to get him to sleep. It was 5 am and still non of us had gotten any sleep. Finally we decided John needed to get at least a few hours of sleep before work the next day and so I was going to take Benjamin out, I just needed to use the bathroom first. While I was gone I heard Benjamin crying. I didn't want to leave the bathroom and deal with it, I was so tired. Then the crying stopped. I went into my room and Benjamin was asleep. John said he threw up and then went right to sleep. The poor little guy must have been so tired. After that we didn't really worry much, it was a one time thing. He still cried a lot, way more then Glen ever had, and he spit up after every feeding and in between as well, but he was a baby so he couldn't tell me what was going on. He gained weight and boy was he chubby. At three months he was wearing 9 month clothes, he was on his way to being round as a ball!
One day he got a rash on his cheek. I didn't worry about it, but it got worse. It would bleed sometimes and I could tell that it bothered him. The Dr. said not to worry, just keep it clean and put on lotion. Christmas rolled around, Benjamin had had the rash for about a month now and it was on both cheeks. We spent that Christmas in Southern Utah with my mom and she said the rash looked like it was caused by allergies, I should have him tested. My Dr. didn't think it was allergies, but I asked her to humor me and test him anyway. She did a blood test, she said it wasn't very accurate, but it was way cheaper then the allergist. She would test for milk, eggs and nuts, the most common allergies. The next day we got a call, the test showed he was allergic to all three. She wanted us to go to the allergist. They tested Benjamin for a whole score of things and it turned out he had at least a dozen food and animal allergies. I cut out as much as I could from my diet and hoped it would help, and for a little while it did, but I was starving. I had to put him on formula by 9 months. My chubby baby was gone. At nine months he was wearing three month clothes and I had moved him down a diaper size because he had lost so much weight. The Dr. said he had fail to thrive. I was so scared. I didn't think he would survive. I remember taking him home after yet another Dr. appointment and just sitting on the floor crying. I rocked him and begged him to be strong and get better, he just had to get better. He was almost a year and he didn't play, he hardly smiled or laughed, he didn't really crawl and wasn't trying to walk. He just layed there most of the time. He looked like a stick figure he was so skinny. It hurt my heart and scared me. I trusted my Dr. and I did everything she told me to, special formulas, medications, we went to see specialists, he was frequently getting sick because he was so weak and I faithfully took him in every time, knowing she would have the answer. And every night I pled with Heavenly Father to help him get better and help me to know how to help him. I felt so lost. I remember one night after I prayed I had the impression to check his formula. I had been told by the Dr. and nutritionist to put him on a special formula for kids with milk allergies and I didn't check it. For maybe a month I had the impression to check and I didn't. Then one morning I did. The number one ingredient was MILK!!! What!? But his biggest allergy was milk, why would the Dr. tell me to give him a milk based formula? I called the Dr. she said it was for kids with allergies, but it has milk in it I said! Then I called the nutritionist, she said that the milk protein was broken down so kids could digest it. She said "Imagine that the milk protein is a lego castle, we took the castle and broke it up so it's easier to digest." "But he isn't allergic to castles, he is allergic to legos!" I nearly yelled. I felt so betrayed, why hadn't they known? Why did they tell me to use it? Why didn't I listen to that prompting a month ago!? Against their advice, finally, I put him on a different formula. Soy. He gained weight like a new born, nearly doubling his weight in the first month. Within a few months he was in the normal wight range for his age group. The Dr. didn't have the answer, but God did. We threw Benjamin another birthday party since his first was such a bust, he was too sick to eat the cake or anything. For us though it wasn't a birthday party, it was a survival party. We knew he would survive. You see, we hadn't told anyone how worried we were, or how very sick Benjamin was because...I don't know, I was too scared. I thought saying it would make it more real and then I'd lose him. I still have a hard time thinking about how close he was to dying.
Fast forward to his fifth birthday. He has a few friends over for a birthday party, but he just hid in his room.He wouldn't play with other kids, he wouldn't let people touch him. He didn't talk very much or interact with anyone. John thought he was autistic. I thought he was just shy. We still aren't sure honestly. Maybe because he was so sick his brain didn't make all of the connections when it was supposed to, maybe he just liked to play alone. All I knew is that when the boys went out to play Glen would jump right in and Benjamin would sit on the hill and watch the other kids play. If anyone tired to include him he would run inside and watch from the deck. Then one day I bought him some Pokemon cards. The other kids had some too and slowly he began to talk to them, to trade and play. Slowly, in a one on one situation, but only if Glen was there, then with a small group with Glen, then occasionally on his own. He began to talk and to play with other kids, he began to talk to us. He still didn't want to be touched or hugged, arms length was where he preferred people, even me. It worried me a little, but he was playing so I rejoiced in his progress and tried to help him work through these big feeling he had, but didn't know how to deal with or talk about. After a year he began to sit next to me, then on my lap. I felt like I had to speak softly and move slowly so I didn't frighten him away. He had a Sunday school teacher in Indiana who has my undying gratitude because he really helped Benjamin. I don't know what he did. but they bonded. Benjamin would go to class willingly without clinging to me. When he saw his teacher he even smiled. Then one day, shortly before we moved I walked Benjamin to class to find that his teacher wasn't there. Those were the hard Sundays. And then Brother Martin walked in. Benjamin turned around and saw him, the fear immediately left his face and it's like the sun came out. He broke into a huge grin and leapt into Brother Martin's arms for a hug! It made us both a little teary eyed to see that. Some how Brother Martin had gotten through to Benjamin and gave him a safe place to show his feeling, whether he was sad or mad or happy it was safe to be around brother Martin. Just a few weeks later we moved. I worried about Benjamin in a new place, but we have been blessed with another wonderful teacher. This man has the patience of a saint. Benjamin sits next to him and for about an hour plays with his beard. He has a thing with hair. I've asked if it bothers him, but he says it's fine. I hope it really is fine because Benjamin so desperately needs a safe place to learn again. This time he is learning to show affection. He plays with my hair. He snuggles up to me when I read a book. He leaps into my arms for a monkey hug. Sometimes he just rests his head or hand on my shoulder because he needs to feel another person.
I worry that he doesn't show very good boundaries, but my joy at his progress outweighs my concerns. I no longer think he is autistic, I think he is just making brain connections differently then other kids. He is a little behind because of his illness, but he is catching up so fast now. It helps him to feel safe at church like he does at home, to feel safe at the play ground and with other kids. He still gravitates towards younger children or girls who are not so rough, but I can see that even there is is progressing. He will wrestle and play rough every now and then. He is getting there...wherever there is. I kind of feel like he is discovering himself. It's a beautiful thing to watch,
Wow, what a testament to the power of a mother being in tune to the spirit. Benjamin is blessed to have you as his mom!
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