My story

I think I'm ready to share now.  I wanted to, over a week ago, but I wasn't ready.  I was still feeling to angry and bitter, without having any peace.  Now I feel at peace, I can share my story with gratitude.

I'm sorry that I still can't share all the details of what went wrong to get to this point, but I think I will some day.  I'm still tying up loose ends before I become an advocate.  For now, I hope this will give all of my dear friends enough information to understand why I have been struggling so much over the past two years and help you understand how much your prayers have meant to me, how much I appreciated when you reached out, and why I have been a reclusive, negligent friend.

My step-dad has dementia and I cared for him for two years because his kids would not.  He got to the point where he was violent and abusive, especially to my oldest, but I still tried my best to care for him, while also protecting my kids.  After a knee surgery my mom came to stay with me so I could help her through a long, difficult recovery.

I'm still not entirely sure why, but my step sister called Adult Protective Services (APS)  in October of 2024.  After a sham of an investigation, where we weren't even interviewed my mom and I were both sent a letter of support by APS.  Contrary to the sound of it,  a letter of support isn't very supportive, it means they found enough evidence to support the claims of abuse, in this case, A LOT of claims.  Since we weren't guilty, had a mountain of evidence to prove it, and the worker did a shameful job without interviewing us, but all the while ignoring evidence we supplied, we decided to take the support to the court of appeals.  That was in January of 2025.  While in the process of getting that all worked out I found out that the APS worker had succeeded in convincing my dad and his daughter to call the police and make a report.  Without the slightest amount of investigation, the police felt like there was sufficient evidence from his testimony, despite his testimony also stating he has dementia and 8 traumatic brain injuries, to send it directly to the district attorney for prosecution. in July of 2025 I learned that I was going to be charged on multiple counts of abuse, some of them being felonies.

What followed was the most hellish year of my life.  Drowning in anxiety over the possibility of 10 years in prison and missing seeing my kids grow up, fear over what it would mean for my family, for my mom who was also supported, and concern over my dad and my reputation, I had little mental bandwidth or energy for anything more than just surviving.  I experienced deep periods of depression, severe enough that I contemplated taking my life.  I couldn't go to jail if I was dead.  I often felt alone and betrayed.  I'm not sure I have ever felt anything so deep, dark, overwhelming, and frightening in my life.

But there were bright spots.  My best friends rallied to make sure I got out of the house without having to plan anything.  Sometimes they just showed up, knowing I would cancel if given the chance.  My wonderful John supported me every step of the way. My kids, full of compassion and love, have been so helpful and loving.  My ministering sister became my walking buddy and listened to my cry and complain more times that I can count.   My very best friend planned hikes and activities and walked with me every morning for therapy. And I have seen miracles!  Running into a friend at Costco when I really needed strength, blessings from the elders quorum and being wrapped, literally, in their love as they hugged us and cried with us.  I have felt your prayers and I have felt the power of the atonement!

Last week, June 30, 2026 all charges were dropped and the case was dismissed.  I am beyond frustrated that it took a year for the prosecutor to finally look at the evidence, but I am beyond grateful that she did take a good long, hard look and did a very thorough job digging. She also called the district attorney waiting to prosecute my mom and convinced him there was nothing there and not to waste his time.

Last week felt very surreal.  My life had been hell for a year and a half, could it really be over?  When would the other shoe drop?  I felt disappointed, I thought a trail would help me clear my name.  Dismissed isn't the same as found innocent.  I wanted to face my accusers. I wanted everyone to know that their false accusations were just that, false.  Not just lack of evidence, but completely false.  I had proof!  I thought a dismissal would make me feel like celebrating, but I felt like the justice system had failed me.  Innocent until proven guilty isn't a thing.  Sure, I wasn't dragged into a cell and beaten by secret police until I confessed, but those who made false accusation paid not a penny, while we paid tens of thousands of dollars to protect ourselves.  And in the meantime, I was looked at as if I was guilty.  Not allowed to work with children or the elderly, not allowed to have a gun, a protective order kept me from contacting or even speaking to my dad when I saw him.

But I did find peace.  I found peace, like I always do, communing with God outside.  This time, floating on a pond in a kayak.  Why was I feeling so frustrated and disappointed when my prayers had been answered?  Because it didn't go the way I expected it to.  Expectations can be an obstacle to happiness.  Let it go.

So I did.  And now I am ready to move on.  I am ready for the next growth opportunity.  After all, I've spent the last year and a half swimming against a strong current that tried to drown me and I lived!  I am so much stronger now that swimming in the middle of a peaceful pond feels blissfully easy.  Now I need to swim out and find those that are drowning in their own trials and throw them a life line, both the ones I was given and those I wish I had been given.

This isn't the end of my story.  It was a messy middle, but it's up to me to write the ending.  No.  It's up to God to write the ending, for He is the author and finisher of my story.

P.S. I love my dad.  I always will.  I'm not sure what the future hold for us.  In this life, it is not safe for my family to have him around, but who knows what the next life holds.  I worked hard to get permission to be sealed to him and I cherish that connection, while also not wanting it.  I trust God.  I'll let Him work it all out in the perfect way only He can do.

A dream come true

On November 21 Glen caught his hawk, she is a red tailed hawk and her name is Nike, named after the Greek Goddess of Victory.  Here is the story:

Because it is getting cold we have started going to Goshen canyon each week for our forest school.  On the way there we saw this beautiful juvenile red tailed hawk sitting on a stack of baled hay.  Two and a half hours later, on our way out she was still there.  We needed to stop and get gas, but when we got to the gas station my bank cards were gone.  We rushed back to our site in the canyon and searched everywhere for my cards, but we couldn't find them.  After praying I felt prompted to look in my wallet again and there they were!  As we got back into the car I noticed the weakness, exhaustion, and pain I had been having all morning from a fibromyalgia flare was gone.  I was frustrated that I had driven all the way back only to find my cards and asked why the Lord couldn't have had me look earlier, He said "Wait"

Glen said if that bird was still there he was going to try and catch it, and I felt God saying "This is why."  Abigail suggested we say a prayer and she asked that Heavenly Father help Glen to be stealthy enough to sneak up and catch the bird.  She was still there as we pulled around the bend in the road and she was facing away from the road.  I parked across the street and Glen took my jacket and climbed the fence.  The girls and I prayed the entire time.  Abigail prayed that he would get the bird and promised to stop eating sugar until Christmas if the Lord would help him.  I prayed and said "Please make him invisible, I know you can do it.  You did it for Jesus in the crowd, please do it for Glen."  Over and over, "Please please please, I know you can do this.  It means so much to him, he's worked so hard to get here, it will mean so much to him."  Every time I started to doubt I prayed even harder.

Meanwhile, Glen hopped over the fence and snuck up to the stack of hay.  Now and then the bird would look up and look around, but never at Glen, always at us or at cars passing on the road.  Glen was struggling to climb the hay, it was sharp and there wasn't really anywhere to hold onto.  At one point he squatted down and stayed there.  He told me he was ready to give up, but instead he prayed.  He felt doubt, "There's no way this is going to work, it's going to fly away."  But he said He felt Heavenly Father asking him to have faith in Him.  So he prayed to know what to do and felt the Lord guide him to throw my jacket up onto the little ledge below the bird and jump for it.  I thought for sure, throwing the jacket would scare the bird away, but she didn't even notice.  Glen kept looking at me to make sure she was still there, giving me a thumbs up to ask and getting a big thumbs up to answer.  After he jumped for the ledge and gotten his footing, he asked again, she still hadn't noticed, but Glen didn't believe that all the noise hadn't bumped her, so he took a peek and sure enough, there she was.  He reached up and grabbed her, she footed him a tiny bit before he got full control of her and wrapped my jacket around her.  I ran out to help him at that point, I couldn't help jumping and yelling, doing a happy dance and squealing!  I helped Glen down from the hay and we went back to the car where it was hard to be quiet so we didn't overwhelm his bird.  We were all so happy we kept spontaneously giggling, yelling, and squealing and then reminding each other to be quiet.

I think I said the most heartfelt prayer of gratitude I have ever said.  Tears literally dripped down my face the entire time.  My heart was overflowing right out of my eyes! 

Glen named her Nike and she is beautiful!  She is the most beautiful bird I have ever seen.  She is in great health, very strong, well fed, and she already likes Glen.  The first person he called was his falconry mentor.  We didn't tell John what had happened, Glen wanted to tell him in person so we called ahead and asked John to get everyone who was home outside in the garage so they could meet Nike when we got home. Then Glen and John rushed up to Craig's house to get anklets and jesses put on, to weigh and examine Nike, and to hold her properly for the first time.  Glen is headed back to the hay as I type this us, so he can retrieve whatever she was eating yesterday.  Hopefully there is enough there to feed her for a day or two until he can get her something else.  The next steps are to man her, which means to get her used to him, and to make her eat out of his hand.  She doesn't eat until she eats from his hand.  Once that has been accomplished he will start training her to respond to his call, and hunt when she hears it.  Then he can take her out and hunt with her.  He thinks it will take no more than a few days to man and feed her because she already seems to like him, but the rest of the training will take a few months at least.

Glen has wanted to be a falconer since he was 6 years old, this is a dream come true for him.

You are enough

 Last week I had a wonderful spiritual experience. I was worried, yet again, that I was not doing well enough teaching my children.  I was worried they weren't earning enough, they weren't moving fast enough, they didn't dig deep enough, their handwriting, spelling...you get the picture.  I feel inadequate so often, and when it just concerns me I can usually ignore it, but what if I'm totally messing up my kids!?  I was really stressing out about it so I knelt down to say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father what more I should be doing to prepare them well for their role as husband and father, and to fulfill their mission on Earth.  Instead of a laundry list of all the subjects I need to teach and all the areas I need to improve I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of peace!  Even before I finished asking my question I felt wrapped in His loving embrace.  Through a mixture of feelings, images, and something I can't quite describe I got this message.

Joseph Smith was considered uneducated, he only had a few years of formal schooling, yet he went on to change the world.  He continued his own education and even started a school, called the school of the prophets, where they learned politics, world events, science, languages, history, geography, and so many other things alongside scriptural learning and learning more about the priesthood.  

The Lord told me that Joseph's most important education was given to him by his mother, who taught him to love God and to follow Him.  He told me that the most important

 education I can give my kids is to know God.  If they know God all else will fall into place. I am doing everything I need to to do prepare them to fulfill their mission in life and to prepare them to lead, support, and protect their future families. They will continue learning all their life.

    I was so overcome with peace I was moved to tears.  I have never in my life felt so powerfully the Lord's love and acceptance of me.  Writing it all down does not, cannot, do justice to this powerful sacred experience. I hesitated to share it at first, but I know I am not the only one who feels inadequate and I'm not the only one who feels like I am not doing well enough homeschooling my kids.  I pray that my experience can help to bring peace to someone else who needs to feel peace.