Benjamin's miricle

I'm not sure I ever wrote about Benjamin's illness.  Now I'm ready.
Benjamin was born big and healthy. There were no concerns and I went home early without a doubt that he would be as sweet and easy as Glen.  That first night was hard, a bit of a nightmare really.  He cried almost non stop.  Then he started puking.  He was throwing up so much I thought he wasn't keeping enough food so I'd feed him again and try to get him to sleep.  It was 5 am and still non of us had gotten any sleep.  Finally we decided John needed to get at least a few hours of sleep before work the next day and so I was going to take Benjamin out, I just needed to use the bathroom first.  While I was gone I heard Benjamin crying.  I didn't want to leave the bathroom and deal with it, I was so tired.  Then the crying stopped.  I went into my room and Benjamin was asleep.  John said he threw up and then went right to sleep.  The poor little guy must have been so tired.  After that we didn't really worry much, it was a one time thing.  He still cried a lot, way more then Glen ever had, and he spit up after every feeding and in between as well, but he was a baby so he couldn't tell me what was going on.  He gained weight and boy was he chubby.  At three months he was wearing 9 month clothes, he was on his way to being round as a ball!
One day he got a rash on his cheek.  I didn't worry about it, but it got worse.  It would bleed sometimes and I could tell that it bothered him.  The Dr. said not to worry, just keep it clean and put on lotion.  Christmas rolled around, Benjamin had had the rash for about a month now and it was on both cheeks.  We spent that Christmas in Southern Utah with my mom and she said the rash looked like it was caused by allergies, I should have him tested.  My Dr. didn't think it was allergies, but I asked her to humor me and test him anyway.  She did a blood test, she said it wasn't very accurate, but it was way cheaper then the allergist.  She would test for milk, eggs and nuts, the most common allergies.  The next day we got a call, the test showed he was allergic to all three.  She wanted us to go to the allergist.  They tested Benjamin for a whole score of things and it turned out he had at least a dozen food and animal allergies.  I cut out as much as I could from my diet and hoped it would help, and for a little while it did, but I was starving.  I had to put him on formula by 9 months.  My chubby baby was gone.  At nine months he was wearing three month clothes and I had moved him down a diaper size because he had lost so much weight.  The Dr. said he had fail to thrive.  I was so scared.  I didn't think he would survive.  I remember taking him home after yet another Dr. appointment and just sitting on the floor crying.  I rocked him and begged him to be strong and get better, he just had to get better.  He was almost a year and he didn't play, he hardly smiled or laughed, he didn't really crawl and wasn't trying to walk.  He just layed there most of the time.  He looked like a stick figure he was so skinny.  It hurt my heart and scared me.  I trusted my Dr. and I did everything she told me to, special formulas, medications, we went to see specialists, he was frequently getting sick because he was so weak and I faithfully took him in every time, knowing she would have the answer.  And every night I pled with Heavenly Father to help him get better and help me to know how to help him.  I felt so lost.  I remember one night after I prayed I had the impression to check his formula.  I had been told by the Dr. and nutritionist to put him on a special formula for kids with milk allergies and I didn't check it.  For maybe a month I had the impression to check and I didn't. Then one morning I did.  The number one ingredient was MILK!!!  What!?  But his biggest allergy was milk, why would the Dr. tell me to give him a milk based formula?  I called the Dr. she said it was for kids with allergies, but it has milk in it I said!  Then I called the nutritionist, she said that the milk protein was broken down so kids could digest it.  She said "Imagine that the milk protein is a lego castle, we took the castle and broke it up so it's easier to digest."  "But he isn't allergic to castles, he is allergic to legos!"  I nearly yelled.  I felt so betrayed, why hadn't they known?  Why did they tell me to use it? Why didn't I listen to that prompting a month ago!?  Against their advice, finally, I put him on a different formula.   Soy.  He gained weight like a new born, nearly doubling his weight in the first month.  Within a few months he was in the normal wight range for his age group.  The Dr. didn't have the answer, but God did.  We threw Benjamin another birthday party since his first was such a bust, he was too sick to eat the cake or anything.  For us though it wasn't a birthday party, it was a survival party.  We knew he would survive. You see, we hadn't told anyone how worried we were, or how very sick Benjamin was because...I don't know, I was too scared.  I thought saying it would make it more real and then I'd lose him.  I still have a hard time thinking about how close he was to dying.
Fast forward to his fifth birthday.  He has a few friends over for a birthday party, but he just hid in his room.He wouldn't play with other kids, he wouldn't let people touch him.  He didn't talk very much or interact with anyone.  John thought he was autistic.  I thought he was just shy.  We still aren't sure honestly.  Maybe because he was so sick his brain didn't make all of the connections when it was supposed to, maybe he just liked to play alone. All I knew is that when the boys went out to play Glen would jump right in and Benjamin would sit on the hill and watch the other kids play.  If anyone tired to include him he would run inside and watch from the deck. Then one day I bought him some Pokemon cards.  The other kids had some too and slowly he began to talk to them, to trade and play. Slowly, in a one on one situation, but only if Glen was there, then with a small group with Glen, then occasionally on his own.  He began to talk and to play with other kids, he began to talk to us.  He still didn't want to be touched or hugged, arms length was where he preferred people, even me.  It worried me a little, but he was playing so I rejoiced in his progress and tried to help him work through these big feeling he had, but didn't know how to deal with or talk about.  After a year he began to sit next to me, then on my lap.  I felt like I had to speak softly and move slowly so I didn't frighten him away.  He had a Sunday school teacher in Indiana who has my undying gratitude because he really helped Benjamin.  I don't know what he did. but they bonded.  Benjamin would go to class willingly without clinging to me.  When he saw his teacher he even smiled.  Then one day, shortly before we moved I walked Benjamin to class to find that his teacher wasn't there.  Those were the hard Sundays.  And then Brother Martin walked in.  Benjamin turned around and saw him, the fear immediately left his face and it's like the sun came out. He broke into a huge grin and leapt into Brother Martin's arms for a hug!  It made us both a little teary eyed to see that.  Some how Brother Martin had gotten through to Benjamin and gave him a safe place to show his feeling, whether he was sad or mad or happy it was safe to be around brother Martin.  Just a few weeks later we moved.  I worried about Benjamin in a new place, but we have been blessed with another wonderful teacher. This man has the patience of a saint.  Benjamin sits next to him and for about an hour plays with his beard.  He has a thing with hair.  I've asked if it bothers him, but he says it's fine.  I hope it really is fine because Benjamin so desperately needs a safe place to learn again.  This time he is learning to show affection.  He plays with my hair.  He snuggles up to me when I read a book. He leaps into my arms for a monkey hug.  Sometimes he just rests his head or hand on my shoulder because he needs to feel another person.
I worry that he doesn't show very good boundaries, but my joy at his progress outweighs my concerns.  I no longer think he is autistic, I think he is just making brain connections differently then other kids.  He is a little behind because of his illness, but he is catching up so fast now.  It helps him to feel safe at church like he does at home, to feel safe at the play ground and with other kids.  He still gravitates towards younger children or girls who are not so rough, but I can see that even there is is progressing.  He will wrestle and play rough every now and then.  He is getting there...wherever there is.  I kind of feel like he is discovering himself.  It's a beautiful thing to watch,

My little hero

 This boy of mine has stolen my heart again and again.  He is my little hero.  Every day he does something to help me out.  He helps keep the girls happy so I can clean, he will clean side by side with me.  He works hard, he loves to think and play, he loves to learn.  He is my boy!  I cherish this time we have together before he starts school.  I know he will change once he starts school, I know he will be gone more and I want to enjoy every last minute of this time we have.  Every nap, every conversation, every day we have to work together and learn together.  He will always have a special place in my heart.  We don't always get along and I know I won't cherish EVERYTHING, but I'm going to try my hardest to make the most of our special time.

He does well at whatever he sets his mind to, dishes, mating socks, or playing

My little model.

He loves his sisters so tenderly and is so helpful.

Pure enjoyment

For the past few weeks I have really been enjoying motherhood.  Could it be the new baby you ask?  Yes, but it so much more then that.  I do not do pregnant well.  I am impatient, tired, sick, angry, and want to just be left alone.  All. The. Time.  This isn't good for kids.  The last, wow, it's been almost a month, I have had energy and felt good and so I have enjoyed...well, being alive.  We have made trips tot he park, gone on walks, read books, wrestled, built forts, I have given pony rides and chased kids around the house.  Even being tired from night feedings, even frustrated at my inability to help sick kids, and the stress of so much...new-ness, has not put much of a damper on this enjoyment.  In the last few days I have cheered over spilled cereal, responded calmly to hot chocolate in the carpet, tickled, laughed, and played tag.  Nothing compares to being a mom.  Nothing is more stressful, more worrisome, or on the other hand more fun, or more rewarding. Here is just a sample of the enjoyment of the past month.

Big brother likes to give me baths in my clothes.

St. Patrick's Day Fun

After taking the kids to a St. Patrick's Day puppet show Glen was very scared of Leprechauns, he was having nightmares and everything.  I set out to plan a St. Patrick's day that would have him looking forward to Leprechauns instead of fearing them.  The night before Lucky, Glen's class Leprechaun stopped by with instructions to make lucky charms.  We took pipe cleaners, made shapes, and put them in a jar that contained a mixture of 3 cups boiling water, 1/2 cup borax and some food coloring, then left it to sit undisturbed over night.

 Here is Benjamin's spider, Glen's snow flake, and my curly snowflake.

 Glen wanted to leave a cookie for Lucky.

 The next morning they found that Lucky had left a box of his special Lucky Charms cereal and a little magic in their bowl.  "Whoa, it's turning green!"

 We also found that our pipe cleaners had turned into crystal lucky charms!

Benjamin didn't want to try the milk, but when he saw the "magic" he decided he would give it a try.  Thanks to a few drops of food coloring under the cereal, and a little science experiment, the boys had a magical beginning to their day, and some special crystals to keep.
We also built a Leprechaun trap, but unfortunate Lucky got away so we didn't get our three wishes.  He did leave some yummy chocolate gold coins though.  Coins the boys would have kept forever if Grandpa hadn't shown them there was chocolate inside, they didn't believe me.

Spring?

Hey look!  A fun post!  :)  With John gone I have no one to share my deep thoughts with so you lovely people are my new audience.  :D  But here is a purely fun one for you.

Today was a beautiful 50 degrees outside and we just had to go out.  We played ninja dodge ball (just like regular dodge ball, but you have to do cool ninja moves to escape the ball) Frisbee, hunted for empty snail shells, looked at the tulips that are popping up and then took to sidewalk chalk.  What do my kids do with sidewalk chalk?  Math, what else?  *Disclaimer, we are all nerds*

 Glen did this one, 4+1=5 and also the one below that says 100+100=200.

 Benjamin wrote the biggest 100 ever, with tons of zeros all across the trampoline.

 Oh looks, some happy people, also some stick figures.

 And here is the beach they drew.  Yellow sand, blue water, and purple poisoned water.  Wait, poisoned water?  Apparently it punches you in the face.

They were having so much fun out there that I had to force them to come in for lunch.  They were outside for 3 hours and it wasn't enough.  I hope this is not a false little spring, but the real thing come early.  If it really is 60 on Monday like it's supposed to be then we are heading to the park!

Benjamin

I've got to brag about Benjamin for just a minute, humor me, k?  Benjamin is one of my favorite people in the whole world.  Each of my children are so very different and so I love them for different reasons. Benjamin is such a combination of opposites.  He hits and kicks when he is mad, but he is so cuddly and full of love.  He is overly serious at times, and other times he is a big goof.  He can be quiet for hours at a time, or talk your ear off.  Is is stubborn, funny, a hard worker, and an engineer at heart.  He loves numbers, puzzles and his little sister.

Today we played Lego's and he talked my ear off.  Then he turned around and tried to wrestle his sister to the ground.  He pretended to be Pikachu, kicked me when he got mad, the told me all about his favorite snack as if nothing had happened.  Sometimes he is so confusing, but I can't help but love him so much.  He thinks he is so sneaky getting out of bed.  I go back there and find him curled up in bed "hiding."  He is a finisher.  Today he volunteered to clean the toilet for his chore, bless his heart.  Then the toilet brush broke.  Did he give up?  No way!  He cleaned it with a rag, by hand, then cleaned the outside.  After I told him he was done he told me all the spots he had missed and asked me to watch him finish.  Then he came in and helped me clean the kitchen just so he could wipe off the counters.
He stops me in my tracks and wonder what is going on, he reminds me to take time to stop and appreciate the world around me, he has such tender moments, such a sweet smile.
My sweet Benjamin has a very special place in my heart.

Two boys and breakfast

Sunday morning we all slept in.  I know right?  It happens occasionally.  Anyway, Benjamin came in and asked if I was ready to wake up.  I told him I would if he cuddled with me for a few minutes.  I ended up falling back asleep and I thought Benjamin did too.  About 1/2 hour later he came back in and said in the sweetest little voice "I made breakfast for you mommy, come see."  I got up, wide awake and very curious now, to see he had gotten out his almond milk.  I asked him what he made and he said cereal, but he needed help getting out the cereal and bowls that were up high and the cow milk that was too heavy.  We got everything all set up and sat down to eat.  He then asked "Do you know why I made breakfast for you?  Because I though you might want to sleep a little more."  I just about melted into a puddle right then and there.  So sweet!
This morning I got the same treatment.  Glen insisted that he make breakfast since I was not feeling well.  I always get a slight cough when pregnant and he heard me coughing.  He went into the kitchen and made cinnamon toast, apple sauce, and carrots "Because we need vegetables" and let's not forget the chocolate milk.
Some days these two get my blood really boiling, but most days they just melt my heart.

Snow days

 Normally I'm not a big fan of the snow.  It's pretty and all, but it's so cold, it takes longer to get ready, clean the car, driving gets scary, and people get sick when it's cold.
Today I am grateful for the snow.  Everything is better with kids. It's magic.  My boys have been looking forward to the snow as much as I have been dreading it.  The first snow storm I stayed inside warm and cozy, but there was no way I was missing this one.  It was perfect.  Perfect sledding, skiing, snow man building, fort making, snow ball throwing perfect.  Se we bundled up...except me who can't fit in anything any more (I got cold and wimped out way before they did)  Anyway, I bundled them up so we could play out there for a while.  We ended up spending the next hour having snow ball fights, making snow angels, and eating snow.  Then Josh, Glen's best friend,  had the idea to us the hill on the side of the house as a sledding hill.  Most of the hour was spent sledding.  It was perfect because it didn't take forever to get to the top, but it was still long enough to enjoy.

So today I am grateful for the snow, warm clothes so we could play so long, perfect packing snow, fun neighbor kids to share in the fun and come up with good ideas, and hot cocoa to warm us up after all that cold fun.  Oh yeah, and lets not forget the kids. I am grateful for my boys today, without them I would not have gone out in the snow, I would have stayed inside warm and cozy with a book.  I am grateful that they remind me how much fun life can be.  They force me out of my bubble and into a fun filled, magical place called childhood. 

Geek!

In our house being called a geek is the utmost compliment, geeks rule the world. So here are our two little geeks in training, our geeklings. Aren't these pictures hilarious? I have ninja costumes for Halloween (I bought them last October when they went on sale) But I am thinking we should ditch the ninjas and go geek, what do you think?

Back yard camp out

Glen roasted his own hot dog

Benjamin's first taste of marshmallows

This evening Glen was getting bored and looking for something to do So I  asked him to help me with a project outside.  At first I had just planned on having him help me hammer some nails into a board, maybe bring out my drill or something, but then I thought of a camp out.  We brought out the mini grill and filled it with bricketts and wood to get a nice fire going.  We found hot dogs, marshmallows, and gummy bears, yup gummy bears.  I'm basically addicted to the things so I brought some out and roasted them instead of marshmallows.

Glen's 3rd marshmallow? ( He lost count. :)

I roasted gummy bears, YUM!

For a last minute thrown together thing it went off well and was a lot of fun.  We invited to family upstairs, grabbed camp chairs, a tent and sleeping bags, and got a nice fire going.  Some of the marshmallows were pink, but hey, we had some.  After eating our fill of hot dogs and marshmallows (and gummy bears)  we set up the tent and put out the sleeping bags.  Glen was so excited to sleep in his blue sleeping bag with his special blue pillow (Thanks for those mom)  Then we cleaned up and came inside while the older kids were at boy scouts and young women's.  Now the kids are out there sleeping. Well...sort of.  Benjamin had to come in because he kept getting out of the tent to sleep inside then changing his mind.  Glen just came in for a bathroom break and I can still hear talking, but I am sure they will all fall asleep eventually.  I'll be surprised if Glen sleeps out there the whole night, we'll see.

Hot dogs and marshmallows for John and Jacob

The kids are getting the tent ready to sleep in when it gets dark.

I'm not super mom, I'm sleeping in my own bed, but I sure try.  Sometimes I wonder if my kids will look back on their childhood with tons of great memories or if they will remember the time I got mad and yelled, all the times I told them, "Not now I'm not feeling well."  and all the mistakes I made.  At least for tonight I am a great mom, I'd say a super hero, but I think Glen has too much hero worship going on with Josh to remember that I'm even here.  :)  I think the bacon, eggs, and pancakes will help him remember tomorrow morning. =D

Bubbles

 Lately I have not been very good about taking time to be with my kids, doing what they want when they want it.  I'm not the type to give in to every little whim, but there is magic in giving a child what they want right when they ask for it.  Glen asks me to jump with him and I tell him to wait until I finish what I am writing down.  By the time I am done he doesn't want to jump anymore, I lost that moment.  See with my kids it's not that there are not plenty of special moments.  Almost every part of the day is a special moment as they discover something new, for me it's more about being a part of those moments.
Today we took Benjamin to get ice cream at Cold Stone.  There were a lot of cakes I wanted to look at to get decorating ideas, I'm still trying to perfect my ice cream cakes.  Anyway, as he sat there eating his ice cream he was learning something, discovering something.  It seems strange, but that ice cream with gummy bears and M&M's was magic to him.  I saw that.  I decided not to go investigate the cakes, I did not want to miss his magic moment. It would have happened if I had gotten up and left, but I would have missed it.
When is the last time going to the bathroom was a magical experience for you?  I know right?  I'm not crazy!  We went to City Creek as a family and Glen had to go to the bathroom.  There was a family bathroom so we went in there and Glen discovered automatically flushing toilets, automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers.  This is even stranger then ice cream, but for Glen it was a truly magical experience and I was there!  I saw the wonder in his eyes as he tried to figure out how the toilet flushed all on it's own and how the water turned on.  For kids, just about everything is a magical experience.
The whole point of this post, long in coming I know, but it's finally here!  The whole point of this post was to tell you about one of those moments today.  John wanted to take a nap and the kids wanted to play in the front so I took them out front with a book fully intending to sit ad read while they played.  But then we pulled out the bubbles.  Kids are drawn to bubbles!  Instead of burying my nose in a book I blew bubbles with the boys for a few minutes.  It was only a few minutes, and they spilled more then they blew, but I could see it in their eyes.  I could tell that this was my saying to them "I love you."  This was not just fun for them or relaxing for me, this was love.  Quality time isn't scheduled, it's something you just have to grab when you see it.  Most of the time I don't even realize how important it will be.  Like blowing bubbles, or snagging a hug as he runs by playing tag at the park, jumping up to kiss a boo boo.
I feel like I am rambling here, I guess I'm just feeling really sentimental.  I am so grateful for my sweet boys.  They are my world, no, they are the sun my world revolves around.  I am grateful for every hug, every kiss, and every magical moment that I hold on to.  I hope some day they can look back at the bubbles, the slip and slide, the reading parties, and the late night tickles and ignore all the mistakes I have made, all those things that make me feel like a bad mom.  I hope and pray that the bubbles are bigger then the mistakes.

Fun story

So I was just thinking today, remembering some fun times.  You know what never fails to make me giggle?  Thinking about being pregnant with Benjamin.  When I announced it in church and told my midwife are some of the funnest memories I have.  I thought I'd just share them here.
First off, I didn't find out I was pregnant for nearly 6 months.  I know, your thinking, "Seriously?  How can that be?"  Denial mostly.  See, people tell you nursing is great birth control, but they never tell you it is only birth control for 6 months and only if you nurse your baby EVERY 2 hours without missing a single one.  So when my husband asked me if I was pregnant I told him no it wasn't possible.  Then I felt the baby kick, like really kick and I took a test just to see.  Yup.  A few days later I announced it in Relief Society (The LDS women's church group) and got the usual congratulations, when are you due?  I told them my due date, in 3 months, and every one did a double take.  Hehe, ya that was good, it really got every one interested.  :)
I think my visit with the midwife was even more fun though.  Here is about how it went.
"So you think your pregnant?"
"I know I am."
"OK, when did you find out?"
"Last week."
"And how far along do you think you are?"
"About 6 months."
"...ok, well let's just do a  test, ok?"
So she gave me the test, it came back positive, and she assured me I wasn't that far along.  She pulled out her little ultra sound thing  to try to find a heart beat and Benjamin kicked so hard the wand jumped off my belly and we could both see it.  She believed me then and sent me for another ultra sound that confirmed I was pretty far along, but only about 5 1/2 months.
I remember thinking how glad I was to not have to wait so long, I mean 9 months?  It seems like forever when you are so excited about a new baby.  But those last 3 months just crawled.  But he came, and Benjamin has been such a joy in my life.  His smiles, hugs and kisses, his imagination.  He is my boy and I love him so much.

Life today

Me: I don't like being in pictures very much, few women do, but I like this one.  After my kids were born I was a size 20.  Eventually I got down to 18, but I kind of just stayed there and everyone told me "Oh you have kids, you will never be skinny again."  I am a very determined person and if you tell me I cannot do something you can bet your buttons I will do it!  So I came across a gym membership, started paying more attention to what I eat and how much and now I am down to a size 12 and still dropping.  SO I say to you other moms who don't like the way you feel and look, don't give up, you can do it!  My goal was to have the energy to keep up with my kids, but I have found so many more advantages.
Oh ya, and I am going to start being a Mary Kay consultant to make a little extra money.  Again with the determination.  I wanted to do it for a little play money, but some one had to go and tell me I couldn't make good money doing it.  Now I am out to prove them wrong.  I'll keep you posted.
John: John is waiting to hear back on whether he got a job he applied for.  He has applied for so many and is having such a hard time finding a job.  He has a part time job right now, but this would be a career a big boy job if you know what I mean.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.  If he gets this job it mean big things for us, big changes.  We could move to a bigger place and have more kids, he would have a job he loves working with people he already knows and likes, and it would be a lot less stress for all of us.
Glen: Glen is crazy and sill and smart as a whip.  We have made a time each day for learning time.  He is learning to write and read more words.  He learns about 2-4 new words every day and just blows me away.  He is so smart and so funny, he loves to joke and tell stories.  I'll put one of the stories he told today and give you a glimpse of his imagination.
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Horsemaker.  One day Horsemaker was walking in the forest when a tree fell on her and broke her leg.  So her father gave her a new leg, a big one like his.  Then another tree and broke her other leg so her father gave her another big leg.  Now she was big and strong like her father, except her legs didn't have any toes.  They had been cut off by Abigail the goblin."
That is my 3 year old.  =D  Oh, Glen also started into Primary last week.  He was a little nervous at first, but he loves his class and teacher.
Benjamin: Benjamin is as sweet as ever.  I don't know what I would do without his hugs.  He is so cute.  He will just walk up to you and wrap his arms around whatever part he can reach.  He is a big hugger.  During meals he will lean over and hug whoever is closest, sticky hands and all.
He idolizes his brother, goes where he goes, does what he does, says what he does.  But they get along well and enjoy having a play mate. Speaking of Benjamin, he is crying right now so I better go get him.  See you later.

This is warm?

 We have been taking advantage of the last warm days of the year...by warm I mean 40-50.  We have been getting in the last scooter and bike rides we will get before the snow covers the ground and it gets to cold to do more then a quick walk around the block or we have to stay inside.  Now that Glen has learned to ride his little bike it's all he wants to do, it makes it even more hard for him to be cooped up inside because of the cold.  Benjamin as you can see is learning to ride a scooter.
These two boys are so full of energy that being stuck inside is really hard for them.  They play outside even when it is cold and snowy, but it's just not the same.  They have to wear coats (which they hate) it still gets cold, and jumping on a trampoline covered in snow isn't as much fun.  They would spend all day outside when it was warm.  they spent so much time in the pool, sprinklers, on the trampoline, and going on walks that it was hard to drag them in for anything short of more Popsicles.   We are mourning the loss of our dear friend summer.  At least the local mall has a free play area and with my gym membership they get to go to the daycare while I work out.  They get new toys and friends and I get a work out and a break.  It's perfect.
I have noticed that my blog has changed.  It used to be all about my kids with an occasional mommy or daddy thrown in, and every now and then a spiritual thought.  I have shared more and more about my journey as a mother and it has slowly turned into a blog less about my kids and more about me as I undertake this adventure called motherhood.  In a way I cannot help it, being a mother has changed me.  I am no longer the person I used to be.  As my children have grown and learned I have grown and learned things right along side them.  We are learning together in this journey, this wonderful adventure.  So stick with me and I will try to put in more cute stories and fun pictures, but stick around for the learning and growing part too, because if you are a mom you can understand that, can't you?

My boys

Today I am grateful for my two boys.  I sure love these two munchkins.  They are sweet, funny, full of trouble, playful, helpful, and did I mention full of trouble? (They are in cahoots, see?)
Glen, my angel.  He is so smart it blows my mind sometimes.  He loves to bake and clean.  He loves his brother so much and used to help me feed him and take care of him when he was a baby.  He loves reading and words as much as I do.  Glen is full or trouble and mischief.  He has a great sense of humor and like to tell jokes and play pranks.  He keeps me on my toes and laughing all day long.
Benjamin is my sweet smiley boy.  When he was a baby he was very sick and he did not smile often, but when he smiled he smiled just for me.  I cherished every smile back then, and I still love his cute smiles.  He is also my cuddle bug.  He will always run into my arms for a big hug after I have been gone, when I am sad, or when he thinks I need a hug.  He will wrap his arms around my neck, squeeze, and say "Don't die mommy."  (John's mom used to tell her kids that mom's need hugs or they die, and Benjamin has picked it up too.)  Benjamin loves his brother, he idolizes his brother.  Benjamin follows him everywhere and does everything his big brother does.
These two are my angels, even when they don't act like it.  They play together, they love to wrestle.  They make trouble together, clean up their messes together, love to hide and scare me, and they are my joy in life.  I am so grateful for my boys.  They may keep me busy and be the reason I am so tired, but they are also the reason I am alive, the reason I am a better person today then I was yesterday, the reason I have learned patience, the reason I can laugh, and the reason I feel so loved.  They are my joy.

Random Moments

 Today I am grateful for random moments of play.  Those times when I have house work to do, or it's time to start dinner, or maybe I am in a rush, and the kids want to play.  This random moment started out as jumping together for a few minutes and then I was going to go in and start dinner.  But the kids begged for more time so I raked up the leaves and we jumped in them and had a leaf fight.  Dinner was late, but moments like this are what life is really all about.

 I heard once that quality time, the time that will mean the most to our kids, doesn't come scheduled or planned.  It comes spontaneously.  It comes as you are headed out the door for work.  It comes when you thought he was asleep 20 minutes ago.  It comes when we are rushed or grumpy.  It comes in the restaurant when your trying the keep kids occupied while they wait for food.  These are the moments that will mean the most to them, the ones that we will probably forget, but they never will.

I am so grateful for the times when I take these little opportunities to play trains, jump in puddles, and throw leaves.  I am grateful for the times when I have made sure not to let them just pass by thinking I could do it later.  Part of the magic for children is getting to play and read right when they ask, not having to wait 20 minutes.  Waiting takes forever and often waiting takes too long and the opportunity to make a golden memory is past.  And I am grateful that even though I let these moments slip away sometimes, there will be many more, and I am learning to see them and appreciate them for how truly special and magical they really are.

Cuteness

For the past few days I have been having one of those days--no not one of *those* days, the good kind.  Ya know, the kind where you think your kids are super sweet, really good, and you just love them so much you want to do everything with them?  Yep.  One of those.  Right now the kids are in their bed jumping and screaming instead of sleeping, they are threatening my mood, but still, they are in bed so it stays.  I always feel like this when they are asleep, but it doesn't happen as often when they are awake, and for three days for that matter.  Ok, except for last night when I had two grumpy toddlers that I was trying to get through Toys "R" Us, buying only one thing for a birthday and avoiding a melt down.  Yes, there was a small break at a that time.  I came home and said to my husband.  "I need you.  Now.  Kids. Bed. Now."  Do you ever feel so frazzled or upset you lose the ability to speak in complete sentences.  I do.  But John's friend was over and he is really misunderstanding when it comes to kids so we told stories back and forth about kids and laughed at the funny things they do and the happy feeling came back.
OK, so the real reason for blogging, other then I feel bad I haven't done it in awhile is that cute picture of Benjamin.  Yeah, that one way up there before all the randomness.  The library had a petting zoo day and this cute little horse, not much bigger then my little Benjamin came up to him to eat grass out of his hand.  Usually Benjamin is afraid of large animals, but for some reason he and this little pony bonded.  Benjamin was very sad to see him go.  I look at this picture and remember how precious my children are.  It all leads back to the beginning and how I have been having whole days where instead of feeling like I want to scream I feel like I just want to hold my babies, maybe it's because my babies are growing up so fast and aren't really babies anymore.  Maybe I--well, it doesn't really matter does it?  Whatever the reason I am grateful for it because it has led me to spend more quality time with my kids, to become more patient, to love them even more.
Do me a favor, remember that the hard times, sleepless nights, tantrums, and "No!"s won't last forever.  But neither will the sweet little hand holding yours, the "Mommy kiss me."s, hugs when you're down, binkies when you cry, tickle wars, fort building, snuggle time, reading stories together, or pony rides on dad.  Those times will slowly fade as they grow.  Cherish these moments.  Go give your kids a big squeeze, come on, you know you want to.  They won't be like this for long.