Pure enjoyment

For the past few weeks I have really been enjoying motherhood.  Could it be the new baby you ask?  Yes, but it so much more then that.  I do not do pregnant well.  I am impatient, tired, sick, angry, and want to just be left alone.  All. The. Time.  This isn't good for kids.  The last, wow, it's been almost a month, I have had energy and felt good and so I have enjoyed...well, being alive.  We have made trips tot he park, gone on walks, read books, wrestled, built forts, I have given pony rides and chased kids around the house.  Even being tired from night feedings, even frustrated at my inability to help sick kids, and the stress of so much...new-ness, has not put much of a damper on this enjoyment.  In the last few days I have cheered over spilled cereal, responded calmly to hot chocolate in the carpet, tickled, laughed, and played tag.  Nothing compares to being a mom.  Nothing is more stressful, more worrisome, or on the other hand more fun, or more rewarding. Here is just a sample of the enjoyment of the past month.

Big brother likes to give me baths in my clothes.

Bubbles

 Lately I have not been very good about taking time to be with my kids, doing what they want when they want it.  I'm not the type to give in to every little whim, but there is magic in giving a child what they want right when they ask for it.  Glen asks me to jump with him and I tell him to wait until I finish what I am writing down.  By the time I am done he doesn't want to jump anymore, I lost that moment.  See with my kids it's not that there are not plenty of special moments.  Almost every part of the day is a special moment as they discover something new, for me it's more about being a part of those moments.
Today we took Benjamin to get ice cream at Cold Stone.  There were a lot of cakes I wanted to look at to get decorating ideas, I'm still trying to perfect my ice cream cakes.  Anyway, as he sat there eating his ice cream he was learning something, discovering something.  It seems strange, but that ice cream with gummy bears and M&M's was magic to him.  I saw that.  I decided not to go investigate the cakes, I did not want to miss his magic moment. It would have happened if I had gotten up and left, but I would have missed it.
When is the last time going to the bathroom was a magical experience for you?  I know right?  I'm not crazy!  We went to City Creek as a family and Glen had to go to the bathroom.  There was a family bathroom so we went in there and Glen discovered automatically flushing toilets, automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers.  This is even stranger then ice cream, but for Glen it was a truly magical experience and I was there!  I saw the wonder in his eyes as he tried to figure out how the toilet flushed all on it's own and how the water turned on.  For kids, just about everything is a magical experience.
The whole point of this post, long in coming I know, but it's finally here!  The whole point of this post was to tell you about one of those moments today.  John wanted to take a nap and the kids wanted to play in the front so I took them out front with a book fully intending to sit ad read while they played.  But then we pulled out the bubbles.  Kids are drawn to bubbles!  Instead of burying my nose in a book I blew bubbles with the boys for a few minutes.  It was only a few minutes, and they spilled more then they blew, but I could see it in their eyes.  I could tell that this was my saying to them "I love you."  This was not just fun for them or relaxing for me, this was love.  Quality time isn't scheduled, it's something you just have to grab when you see it.  Most of the time I don't even realize how important it will be.  Like blowing bubbles, or snagging a hug as he runs by playing tag at the park, jumping up to kiss a boo boo.
I feel like I am rambling here, I guess I'm just feeling really sentimental.  I am so grateful for my sweet boys.  They are my world, no, they are the sun my world revolves around.  I am grateful for every hug, every kiss, and every magical moment that I hold on to.  I hope some day they can look back at the bubbles, the slip and slide, the reading parties, and the late night tickles and ignore all the mistakes I have made, all those things that make me feel like a bad mom.  I hope and pray that the bubbles are bigger then the mistakes.

Magic and wonder

Today I am grateful for the magic and wonder that children see everywhere.  Today I set up the Christmas tree.  The boys had been asking for days, but I just didn't know where to put it.  If it weren't for them we may not have set one up...but then again if it weren't for them I would have tons more room. :)  Anyway...every now and then I can see the world through their eyes.  I saw it today as I set up the tree with all the lights, pretty ornaments, my other Christmas decorations and we talked about baby Jesus and read Luke chapter 2.  There came into their eyes a light that spoke to me.  It spoke of wonder and magic.  So often as adults life becomes so mundane.  Through the eyes of my children I have again found the magic and wonder in Christmas lights, the story of baby Jesus, leaves changing color, clouds, hugs and kisses, wrapping paper and boxes, bugs, slides and trampolines.  To a child discovering the world for the first time everything holds magic and wonder.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I have as a mother to re-discover the world through my children's eyes.

Being a mom

Today I am grateful to be a mam, and to be a stay at home mom.  Being a mom is hard. It's a lot of sacrifice, sleepless nights, hard work, constant attention, hard work, and then some more hard work.  It means having part of your heart walk around outside your body.  Being a mom means putting all of your needs and desires second to the little ones that need you for everything.  Being a mom means that it's now your job to teach this sweet baby everything from manners to walking, eating with a spoon, words, the list is endless really.  And it's the toughest job I have ever had, harder by far then teaching 20 five year olds for 4 hours a day, much harder then my desk job working with Deaf adults, and harder even then 12 hour shifts at a nursing home.

Oh boy is it hard, but so, so worth it.  I do not get paid in money, but I get some of the best hugs and kisses, some of the sweetest mommy moments, and some of the warmest cuddles.  I know that what I do is important, perhaps even the most important job in the world. I would not change it for a minute.  I would not change the stinky diapers, sick babies that are up all night, or even the tantrums for anything.  Because with all those comes "Your the best mommy in the world!"  "I wuve you" from a baby who can barley speak, and the look I see in their eyes. I don't know if I can describe it.  It's a look that says it all.  You are my hero.  I love you.  You are my world.  Thank you.  You are wonderful.  And when they look at me like that nothing else matters, nothing is as important as being as wonderful as they see me.

I am so grateful for all of the hugs, wet kisses, learning moments, pony rides on my back, games of hide-and-seek, walks, spur of the moment picnics, candle light dinners because the kids love candles, holding hands as they fall asleep, stories, songs, scribbles that become works of art, weeds that become more precious then roses, cuddles in the morning, talks at night, and so, so much more.  I am even grateful for the hard times, because it is from them I learn and because of them I appreciate the easy and fun times all the more.
Most of all i am grateful to be a mom because my sweet innocent children help me to want to be a better person, and because as a mom I get an incredible look at God's love.  Knowing how much I love my sweet boys helps me to see how truly deep and perfect Father in heaven's love is.  I love them so much, I would give my life for then without a second thought.  As deep and wonderful as my life is I know that Heavenly Father loves them and all of us even more because His love is perfect and unending.  I thank the Lord every day for the blessing of being a mother.

Random Moments

 Today I am grateful for random moments of play.  Those times when I have house work to do, or it's time to start dinner, or maybe I am in a rush, and the kids want to play.  This random moment started out as jumping together for a few minutes and then I was going to go in and start dinner.  But the kids begged for more time so I raked up the leaves and we jumped in them and had a leaf fight.  Dinner was late, but moments like this are what life is really all about.

 I heard once that quality time, the time that will mean the most to our kids, doesn't come scheduled or planned.  It comes spontaneously.  It comes as you are headed out the door for work.  It comes when you thought he was asleep 20 minutes ago.  It comes when we are rushed or grumpy.  It comes in the restaurant when your trying the keep kids occupied while they wait for food.  These are the moments that will mean the most to them, the ones that we will probably forget, but they never will.

I am so grateful for the times when I take these little opportunities to play trains, jump in puddles, and throw leaves.  I am grateful for the times when I have made sure not to let them just pass by thinking I could do it later.  Part of the magic for children is getting to play and read right when they ask, not having to wait 20 minutes.  Waiting takes forever and often waiting takes too long and the opportunity to make a golden memory is past.  And I am grateful that even though I let these moments slip away sometimes, there will be many more, and I am learning to see them and appreciate them for how truly special and magical they really are.

Cuteness

For the past few days I have been having one of those days--no not one of *those* days, the good kind.  Ya know, the kind where you think your kids are super sweet, really good, and you just love them so much you want to do everything with them?  Yep.  One of those.  Right now the kids are in their bed jumping and screaming instead of sleeping, they are threatening my mood, but still, they are in bed so it stays.  I always feel like this when they are asleep, but it doesn't happen as often when they are awake, and for three days for that matter.  Ok, except for last night when I had two grumpy toddlers that I was trying to get through Toys "R" Us, buying only one thing for a birthday and avoiding a melt down.  Yes, there was a small break at a that time.  I came home and said to my husband.  "I need you.  Now.  Kids. Bed. Now."  Do you ever feel so frazzled or upset you lose the ability to speak in complete sentences.  I do.  But John's friend was over and he is really misunderstanding when it comes to kids so we told stories back and forth about kids and laughed at the funny things they do and the happy feeling came back.
OK, so the real reason for blogging, other then I feel bad I haven't done it in awhile is that cute picture of Benjamin.  Yeah, that one way up there before all the randomness.  The library had a petting zoo day and this cute little horse, not much bigger then my little Benjamin came up to him to eat grass out of his hand.  Usually Benjamin is afraid of large animals, but for some reason he and this little pony bonded.  Benjamin was very sad to see him go.  I look at this picture and remember how precious my children are.  It all leads back to the beginning and how I have been having whole days where instead of feeling like I want to scream I feel like I just want to hold my babies, maybe it's because my babies are growing up so fast and aren't really babies anymore.  Maybe I--well, it doesn't really matter does it?  Whatever the reason I am grateful for it because it has led me to spend more quality time with my kids, to become more patient, to love them even more.
Do me a favor, remember that the hard times, sleepless nights, tantrums, and "No!"s won't last forever.  But neither will the sweet little hand holding yours, the "Mommy kiss me."s, hugs when you're down, binkies when you cry, tickle wars, fort building, snuggle time, reading stories together, or pony rides on dad.  Those times will slowly fade as they grow.  Cherish these moments.  Go give your kids a big squeeze, come on, you know you want to.  They won't be like this for long.

Katy has died

We had three pets, but now we have two.  Katy, our green Katydid died last night.  I have been expecting it since she laid eggs.  I am pretty sure female katydid's lay eggs shortly before they die.  I showed the kids just a second ago and they took her outside to find a final resting place for her.
Call me crazy, I have received a lot of criticism already, but I am not hiding the hard parts of life from my kids.  They know about death, pain, bad people, and blood.  Don't get me wrong, I want to protect them.  I want to shield them,  I want their little lives to be as blissfully naive as possible so they don't feel pain, sorrow and all that other stuff that is...less then happy.  But that is not how life is.  More then protecting my children I want to prepare them.  I will not always be around to protect them and I want them to know how to cope when bad things happen, as they surely will.  I want them to know that when bad things happen it is not their fault, it is not because they are bad, it's just a part of life.  It is a part of the plan our loving Heavenly Father has for us.  Because of the negative in life we are better able to appreciate and cherish the positive parts of life.  I want to help them see that even when life is hard, they still have a loving Father and they are blessed.
So anyway, I showed them that Katy had died and when Glen asked why I explained that bugs don't live very long and that dying is a part of life.  He is worried that the grass hoppers will be lonely.  What a sweet boy.

Words to encourage and uplift

Today I was paid a high compliment. Let me back up.

Today for my birthday dinner we went to Noodles and Company, one of my very favorite restaurants. They have all sorts of noodles, soups, salads, and sandwiches. Something for everyone. I got a bowl of spaghetti to share with Benjamin. You know how kids eat spaghetti, or really anything for that matter when they are under 2. He had a lot of his meal under his chair, I even dumped noodles out of his boots. :D Seeing the big mess I decided to clean up. I got down on the floor, hands and knees in my dress, and picked up all of the food from under his chair. I was told by a lot of people that there were people paid to do that I could leave. I knew that, but i also know what a pain it is to clean up after a little kid, after all I have two. I also figured this was more then your usual run of the mill mess and since this is a place where you don't leave tips I couldn't just leave a big tip and feel ok.

So there I was with spaghetti on my skirt, thanks to an extra large glob he dropped, trying to figure out if a fork or my fingers was more effective and I hear a lady make a comment. Not a snide comment either! She said to her companions that I was a good mom. Then another woman, her mom I think, told me that my boys were lucky to have me. I was setting a good example for them and they would grow up to be good, polite boys. She said they were cute and I was doing a great job.

Sometimes I feel discouraged. I worry that my kids are missing all the little lessons I am trying to teach them. But I know that they are learning. They see my example and they follow it. To you I would say, do not become discouraged. Your kids are watching what you do, they want to be like you. You do well and they see that.

These two sweet ladies really made my day. It means a lot to me what they said and I hope some day they realize it.

One of those days

Today has been one of those days. Not a good day, not a bad day, just one of those days. *sigh* I'm tired, but I'm not grumpy which is a plus. I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mostly what I have been thinking about is something I heard in church yesterday. One woman who was speaking said that our parents did the best they could with what they had. They didn't just wake up one morning and say, "I'm going to be the worst parent ever." Being a parent is hard and we all make mistakes. Some parents have more resources then others, more support, more time or money, more patience. Some parents are single parents, some are struggling with problems of their own while trying to raise their kids. But I believe that everyone does the best with what they have.

So don;t get down on yourself. If you're having a rough day just remember you are doing you best and you are wonderful. Parent is synonymous with sacrifice. No matter how much money, time, resources, support... etc. you have, parenting is a sacrifice and you are wonderful for doing it. I hope you feel as wonderful as I think you are.

Super heros

I read an article today about mom's who get depressed because they try to be super mom. The people who did the study suggest that moms stop trying to be super mom. I disagree for more then one reason. First, I think that as people, and especially as mothers, we need to constantly try to become better. I do not suggest stressing yourself out to have a perfectly clean house, gourmet meals, and happy perfect kids. But there is always something that I can to better. Today I baked cookies, but it was a new recipe and very time sensitive. My kids wanted me, but I couldn't play with them lest I ruin the cookies. It was stressful and I become impatient. Tomorrow I can be more patient and I think I will have then help me with the baking and cooking.

The second reason I disagree is because of my definition of a super mom. Super mom does not have a perfect house, her meals are not always healthy super meals, and sometimes her kids misbehave and are dirty. They even eat Popsicles and candy on occasion. But super mom's kids are happy. They know she loves them and she spends time with them. Super mom listens to her kids, she heals boo boos with a kiss, solves life's problems with a hug and kind word, and teaches her children what is most important. Love, respect, manners, and what is most important.

I have stopped cleaning to dance with my son, I have closed my eyes to the growing puddle on the floor to let my 2 year old learn to wash dishes. I have let 5 more minutes turn into 1 hour and a half at the park, one more chapter became 6. Snuggles in the morning turn into wrestling matches and tickle time. Weeds become flowers, and finger prints on a paper are masterpieces.

Being super mom isn't about the house or the meals, it isn't about your child being in honors or team captain. Being Super mom means love, it means children that feel important. It means memories and time.

Tell me how you, your wife, or your mom are super heroes.

Don't blink

How could I have missed that my sweet baby boy is no longer a baby? This morning Glen was playing and told Benjamin he was the fire nation and Benjamin said "No, I the baby." Less then an hour later my baby had transformed into a big boy. How did I miss that? I was looking at him and I thought, wow, he sure has grown up. So I told him I love him and he said "Love you." and blew me a kiss. When did this happen?

It's kind of sad to see them grow up so fast, but at the same time it's a happy thing. I see how he grows and progresses, how smart he is, and how much he learns every day. How can I not be happy for that. But I miss the baby he was. I miss...I suppose it's not the baby I miss. As a baby he was so sick all the time and so miserable. I would not want to send him back to that. It's not the cuddles I miss because he is still a very cuddly boy never afraid to sit and hug me, give kisses,, and then wrestle me to the ground. I guess what makes me sad is knowing that as he grows up he needs me less. Right now I am his whole world, his everything, but some day i wont be. I know he will grow up and make friends, start dating and eventually have a family of his own.

OK, I know his isn't even two yet, but I connect the dots, it's how I am. I am missing him already. But somehow connecting the dots is good. Knowing what will happen and how much I will miss him when he grows up helps me to cherish the time I have with him now. It helps me put away the book I am reading to get down on the floor and play cars. It helps me be patient through the tantrums knowing there is a hug ion the other side of the storm. It helps me hold him closer, hug tighter, give more kisses and cuddles, and show more love. I just want to scoop him up on my arms, spin him around and squeeze him until he squeaks and giggles. In fact, I think I will go do that right now.

Grateful Every Day

Today I got to spend a lot of time with my kids. We went to Temple Square, the Church Art and History museum, and then had a little picnic at a sweet little grassy area. The boys both have colds so we couldn't take them to nursery and wanted something to help them learn about the gospel.

Anyway, and I watched them play and heard them laugh as they ran through the sprinklers, I thought about how grateful I am for my children. I want another baby so bad, but I have to wait until John has a better job so we can afford it. But until then i have my two sweet boys to keep me company and cheer me up.

They each have their own special place in my heart. Glen is my angel. He reminds me of heaven and he is so like me in personality. Benjamin is my smiley boy. Since he was sick for so long as a new baby he didn't do a lot of laughing and smiling until he got better. It has been almost a year since he started getting better and still I cherish every smile. Glen is so daring, he the Jump of the deck onto the trampoline type. Benjamin is the opposite, he is very timid and likes to stick close to me. I think the Lord knew I would be wanting another baby, but need to wait and so he sent me Benjamin so that I would have someone to cuddle with. He is so cuddly, I thought Glen was a cuddly boy, but my sweet smiley Benjamin will sit with me and just hug, like no one but a new born will do. He loves it. And I love that he is still such a mamma's boy. Sometimes he is a little extreme with it, but I feel special knowing he wants me above anyone else.

Today while talking to a friend we talked about how suffering is all relative. I feel sad because John is gone at school so late, but her son is deployed and hasn't seen his wife in months. I feel sad because I want another baby and have to wait, but there are women who want a baby for years and try for years and cannot have any. I am blessed and every day I am so grateful for my two sweet boys. They are such a joy!

Lagoon Day

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and a little burned out. I do ok for the first half of the semester, and then it starts getting to me. God made it so that man and woman would be together, that together they would raise children, support each other, work together, lots of togetherness. Unfortunately, that's not the way it always works out. For most of my life my own mother was a single parent and I know it was tough on her. I know other single parents and see how hard they work for their families, I really admire their hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. I know I am blessed to have a supportive husband, but during the school semesters I do feel kind of like a single parent. Most days he is gone from early in the morning until late at night, hours after the kids are asleep in bed. I often feel like I have to do everything alone, and it is tough. I cannot even imagine being a single mom.
So about mid-term John starts feeling overwhelmed with school work and I start feeling overwhelmed with mom work. I always feel guilty when I want a break. Part of me feels like a good mom doesn't need a break. Maybe part of me thinks that a good mom must be perfect. :) OK, but I really did need a break and my really good friend Jennifer had a way. She and her family were going to spend the day at Lagoon and they had an extra ticket. If I could find a babysitter for the boys then I could go with them. So grandam watched the boys for most of the day, then daddy watched them in the evening and I got to go have fun, relax, and most important spend the whole day missing my boys and worrying about them.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Well, my day away sure made me miss the boys and instead of feeling like I wanted a break, I wanted to go back to being a mom and playing with my boys. I ended a super fun day feeling ready to take on motherhood again. It's tough to be a mom, it's a really hard job, but it is important. I am grateful for the opportunity to take a little break and for the day. It does not make me a bad mom to want or need a break. I can be a better mom now because of it.

Just Another Day in Paradise

Today was one of those day, one of those days that at the end I love being a mother instead of feeling like I have survived. I LOVE days like this. In the morning we met our summer camp play group at the park and rode scooters, blew bubbles, played ball, ran through the sprinklers, and played with rocket balloons. After that we went home for lunch and we were pleasantly surprised to find that John's class had been cancelled so we got to spend some time with him. We all took naps while John worked on homework, then after nap we went to take Glen for a pony ride. The pony ride place had gone out of business, so we went for milk shakes and hamburgers instead. After we got home we washed the car, which is the same as starting a fight with a 3 year old who loves water, and then ate Popsicles and read books. That seems like a bad combination, but I made sure I read the books and hosed the kids off before they got to read. After I hosed the Popsicle off the boys we went inside to find jammies, and cuddled up to read more books. I think the popcorn helped them stay still for an hour, but they also love to read so they relished the time I gave them, and begged for more at the end. One more book then off to bed and no complaints. Wow! What a great day for us.

Recently I have become to busy. Busy people bug me, they are to busy to hang out, to busy to play, to busy to

serve, and it bothers me. Then I discovered I had also become to busy, it is easy to do in this busy world. I noticed it when Glen started saying, "Just a sec first, let me do this first, I'm too busy, I can't I'm busy." And other such things. Then I realized he learned it from me. So today I tried not to be busy. I put off chores until tomorrow and we just played. Every once and a while we need a play day to help us get our priorities back in order. I cannot be too busy for

my kids, I just won't let myself anymore. They are too important to me to be too busy and it that means turning off the computer or putting down my book then I will do it. They are worth it!

One Great Adventure After Another

Motherhood is such an adventure, not one for the weak either. Motherhood is one adventure after another, really. This weeks adventure is with Glen. Here is my oldest boy, this picture is at least 6 months old, but it is so darn cute, he is my little man.

Well my little man is about to turn three, and that means potty training. We started yesterday and by the end of the night I was close to tears and ready to give up. But with a few hints and a little encouragement from my very good friend I didn't give in and go back to diapers. Glen is doing so well, and today has been even better then yesterday. I don't think that is is going to take as long as I had worried, or be as hard as I feared.

There are a lot of milestones with kids, some are fun, happy milestones, and some are scary or sad. I did not look forward to potty training, but it will be so good. I have to face the fact that kids growing up means potty training, the first day of school, teenagers, and dating. But with each of those frightening and somewhat sad milestones comes good times. The first day of school mean the end of being his hero, best friend, and everything, but it means the beginning of a a lifetime of learning together. Teenagers mean powers struggles and trying to figure out who they are, but it means that I have a friend, I get to listen and be there as they have fun with friends and in high school. Dating mean worry and wondering what's going on, but dating is so much fun.

Yes, motherhood is full of good times and bad, but just like everything, having a good attitude and looking for the positive makes it better. And really, good times or bad, kids are SO VERY worth it!

Pre-school debate

I have been thinking about pre-school lately. Glen, my oldest, is so very smart and he loves learning and reading. He has such a passion for life and learning that I want him to have great learning opportunities. I have asked around to friends, family, other mom's and teachers. There are so many opinions. (Please feel free to share your opinions one way or the other.)

Some say that there is no need for pre-school if you are a stay at home mom, you can teach your own kids. There is a large list of reasons not to send a child, money, worry over safety, having the child "leave home" early. Others have a huge list of reasons for sending a child to pre-school. Social interaction, coping skills, a great learning environment, it's fun, it helps kids get ahead start in school.

And so the debate is on. I know Glen would love it. So far he knows the alphabet and sounds, he can sight read a few words and is beginning to sound words out, he can almost count to 20, he cuts, follows instructions, and tries to write letters. I took a test for him that put him almost at the level kids need to be for kindergarten. So I would not send him for the learning necessarily, though I know he would learn a lot and love it. He does not have a lot of friends his age, but he is very kind and social. I am not worried about him going, though it will be sort of sad, I still think his joy at learning will make up for the hours I miss him.

If he went it would give me a little one on one time with Benjamin, time we don't often get. It would also give me a sort of break, some times I feel so burned out chasing after two toddlers. And here we are with the guilt. I can't help thinking that is I was a better mother I would not need to send him because I could teach him all he needs to know for school. If I was a better mother then I wouldn't feel so burned out. Part of me feels so guilty, almost like I am sending him away because I do not want him. I assure you that is not the case, I love my sweet angels beyond words, it's just my mommy guilt.

Please share your thoughts with me. Have you had success with pre-school, or do you think it's a bad idea?

Little moments

Baking cookies together, waving to the garbage truck, blowing bubbles and watching the kids chase them. Discovering worms for the first time, watching clouds and finding shapes. Finger painting. Smiles, tickles, hugs and kisses. One more bedtime story, singing songs together. Seeing the wonder in their eyes.

There are 100 little moments every day that make me love bing a mom. Taking time to see those little moments, telling my mommy side to take a break and let the kids play in the mud or struggle to figure something out can be hard, but when I see those little moments that often come from sitting back and letting them discover and learn, even when it is a struggle...those moments make my whole day worth it. The stress melts away with a hugs and a bug wet kiss. The toughest day can suddenly seem like the best day after hearing that little voice whisper "I love you, mommy." in the dark. At the end of the day I am so grateful to be a mother.

At the end of the day

Some days I feel so rushed and so frazzled. It's not easy being a mom. I get to spend my days cleaning, taking care of kids, changing diapers, running errands, making meals and snacks, and then clean some more. Kids get grumpy, mommy gets grumpy, and some days are tough. But at the end of each day I am grateful for my choice to me a mother. I have never regretted it, and I wouldn't change a thing. I love my children and I am so grateful for them.

This past week has been a tough one. The kids have had a cold and so they aren't sleeping well, which means I am not sleeping well. (Though better then I normally would since my husband has been home on Spring break and helps out so much.) And yesterday I just lost it. I was impatient with everyone, I was mean and grumpy, and try as I might I couldn't change it. Then we went to the store to do the grocery shopping and Glen hit Benjamin and I was mad. Instead of my usual "Now sweety, you need to be nice with your hands," I flicked him in the mouth. Not to bad, but shocking enough that I took a step back reeling. I had just said some really mean things to my husband and now I was being mean to my kids, I had to stop. So I knelt down right there in the store and we prayed. Glen and I both took a turn asking Heavenly Father to help Mommy be nice.

I have always felt that my kids should see my mistakes and I should apologize for them. I am not perfect, and I don't want them thinking I am. So I explained to them both that I was having a hard day, I was letting Satan tell me what to do and I was being mean. I am learning just like they are and I am sorry that I was mean, could they please forgive me?

I worked hard to get the Spirit back and went to the temple that night. The peace that filled me there is what I needed, it had been too long. I am so grateful for the atonement and the opportunity it gives me to repent and be forgiven. I feel a great responsibility. I have been given children to teach, and learn from. I want to be a better person so that I can help them be better and learn to walk uprightly before the Lord. In this adventure and journey of motherhood and life, I and the children are learning together. We are teaching each other, learning form each other, and growing together. And I think that is how Heavenly Father wanted it to be.

A Remarkable Woman

Emma Smith, what a remarkable woman. She has become my hero. I used to bemoan my fate, John works late house and has a lot of homework so I don't get to see him often...well, mostly just that. But Emma Smith, here is a woman who's husband was Prophet of the restored church, that calling right there took him away a lot. Then there were the months he spent in jail. And early on he was martyred. Much of her life as a mother was spent without her husband. She had to take care of everything.

As I have tried to emulate this wonderful woman I have found more joy in my life. I always say life is all in your attitude. I had a pretty good attitude about life. I have always felt so blessed by the Lord. But now in addition to feeling blessed I feel less stress. I feel less depressed when John is gone. I am able to keep up on house work, spend time with the kids, go to church activities alone when I need to, and then enjoy John's company when he is here. I guess the biggest difference is not that John is home more, if anything he has been gone more lately, but I feel better able to hold down the fort here at home. I have it easy, I get to see my husband every night, I have two sweet angles that are well behaved and loving, a warm home, an a testimony. I suppose I can finally say I have reached my goal to "Find joy in being diligent and create a home where faith can find a firm footing."

I think in the end it all boils down to selfish, or selfless. Before I didn't do something because I was tired or didn't feel well, or maybe I wanted to read or play a game. Now I do it because it needs to be done, and it makes my family happier. Being a wife and mother is all about service. every part of my day, everything I do is a service to my family, and to others. I am grateful for this change in my life, so very grateful. It is times like this when I think, "this is what motherhood should be like."

Shiny!

http://fansofbeingamom.com/1050/being-a-mom/no-really-thank-you-2/

I wanted to share this link. I'm sure there are other moms, and even non-moms who will appreciate this article. It made me laugh, and I feel understood. Some days I feel like the only one to go through stuff like this, but articles like this remind me I am SO not alone, and neither are you. As mothers we all have, or will be there some day.