The D word

It's a nasty, yucky word, full of icky-ness.  Divorce.  The word alone breaks my heart. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Before I got married it was not even an option, as newlyweds, it wasn't even an option.  Whoa! Maybe I should pause to reassure you, I'm not breaking any sort of news here on the blog. Feeling better now? Good. Now back to my musings.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love, happily ever after, isn't that how the story goes?  Nope.  Not at all.  See, what the fairy tale fails to mention is that the happy, giddy, butterfly feeling won't last very long and when it's gone, what's next?  No one told me what to do, no one even warned me it would happen.  Lets go back about 8 years.  I had been married about a year and I realized that I wasn't in love any more.  how did that happen?  When did that happen?  John was a great guy and I enjoyed spending time with him, but I just didn't love him any more.  I didn't believe in the D word, I wouldn't even let myself think it.  Instead I faced years stuck in a marriage with a man I felt nothing for any more.  Ouch!  That was a long, ugly road I also didn't want to go down, so what was I going to do?  I remember sitting in the temple pleading for guidance.  What should I do?  I didn't love my husband any more, but I wasn't even thinking about that other, yucky word.  A voice whispered to get out while I still could. Yep, I'll ignore that one.  So I kept praying and it was like Jesus came and sat on the couch next to me so we could have a talk.
"Who is the first person you want to talk to when you leave the temple?"
"John!"
"Who do you want to talk to about your day?"
"John."
"Who do you love to sit with, laugh with, and read with?"
"John."
"Who do you feel the safest with?"
"John."
I'm noticing a pattern.  And then I was ready for the sweetest part.  I realized that I did love John, but you knew that already didn't you?  You already know how this story ends, so let me fill in the middle.  I realized that when you first meet someone and fall in love it's full of excitement and newness, it's full of butterflies and stolen kisses. And then you get married and back to regular life. You get busy with work and maybe kids.  You fall into a routine, comfortable with each other.  Maybe you miss it, I did.  You both change, the way you feel changes.  My love for John was still there, but it had changed to something different, something more solid, deeper, more enduring.  It will always be there.  Even when I am being buried in dirty laundry and diapers.  When life is so hectic I hardly get to see him all week and we miss our date because of one reason or another it's still there, running deep, like underground water.  A life spring that might be missed if you don't know what to look for.
Now here we are almost 9 years later and I gotta tell you, life has gotten tough.  It's busy and hectic, stressful, but still amazing because it's our life.  But sometimes in the hectic day to day I start to hear that voice again, the one trying to convince me we aren't in love any more and I have to look deep inside to find the deep abiding love.  But its still there, it's always there.  It will always be there, but I have to work to keep it.

Whirlwind Adventure part 1

Oh boy, where to start.  The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, tornado may be a more accurate discription, and I have barley had time to breath.  I promised myself I'd take a few minutes today though because 1. friends have been waiting to hear all about it, and 2. I see too much of the Lord's hand in the last two weeks to fail sharing it all.
As you know, John has been in Virginia since Thanksgiving.  After the training they were going to find him a job and we knew that once they did we would have to get all packed up and go REALLY fast.  On the 24 of March he called me to say he had a job, they wanted him to start on the 31.  He told me he would not have time to come back because the company wanted him to stay in VA until Thursday and finish up some work and paperwork.  The plan was that I would get everything packed up with help from the Re;ief ociety and drive the kids out with his mom on Monday.  Women came en mass and packed like crazy people!  By Wednesday morning my friend asked why we didn't leave earlier since everything was getting packed up so fast.  I was still planing on leaving Monday so my mother in law could drive out with me and then Wednesday evening I got home after an afternoon of errands to find John!  He totally surprised me, I was shocked!  Well, that changed everything. We had to get packed up and out by Friday to get John to Indiana in time to start work the next Monday.  We still didn't have an appartment, but by Thursday I had found one, they would even let un in early, on the 30 so we didn't have to stay in a motel for a few days until April 1.  Everything was so crazy rushed I didn't get to see my brother before I left, and I bet some friends asked after me and I was already gone.  :)  We got everything packed and loaded and Friday afternoon we took off.  We made it as far as Laremy, WY that night, depressingly close to Utah, but we did get to stop and see my mom and dad so it was good.  The next morning we got started at 8:30 and drove until 12:30 before we stopped in Des Moines, IA.  Sunday morning we got going at 8:00 and arrived here in Fishers at about 6:00.  Thank goodness the nice lady in the office stayed and hour after so we could get into our appartment.  A group of men from the ward and the missionaries were waiting to help us unload the truck and car and taht was done by the end of the night.  The next day John would start work.  Here are a few pictures we took on the way.

Rock climbing for a few minutes right before we left Wyoming

There were so many cool things to see and fun places to visit, it would have been fun to take a few weeks and make it a vacation road trip.

The sunrise Sunday morning.  I had nver seen the sun rise without mountains blocking the view.

Benajmin had been looking forward to seeing the Mississippi river for months so we stopped to take a closer look.

A quick stop at the park for Lunch on Sunday before we made the last leg of the journey.

And finally these strange things we begane to see in IL.  They mark the touwns and each has the town name painted on the top.

A companion and helpmeet

Until recently I had no idea how much I rely on John.  Growing up I had a pretty messed up view of men and husbands.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that marriage was actually pretty great.  It helps finding such an awesome man to marry.  One of my messed up views is that you should never rely on  a man.  Let's just say that such a messed up life taught me not to trust or rely on anyone, but that is an entirely different story.  This story is not a tragedy, it is a romance.
We have been married 6 1/2 years next month.  We met April 16th, it was afternoon and he was wearing an emerald green shirt.  I smile to remember because of so many reasons.  When we were told about the new guy all the girls started calling dibs, did you know single girls do that?  Yeah.  Well, I didn't call, I kept quiet.  As he was leaving I said "Good bye Johnathan."  and he pointed his finger at me like a gun and said "It's just John,"that sounds decidedly unromantic, but the wink that followed made me blush.  Long story short, one week to the day I knew we were going to get married.
As the years and the children followed I fell deeper and deeper in love with this amazing man I had found.  Many people mistake love as being a giddy feeling, something that sweeps you off your feet.  I see love, true love, as being much different.  I am rarely giddy when John is around.  I feel safe, loved, happy, content, I can't really describe it.  It is not the short flight of a bird, but instead the steady drum of the waves on the shore, the beating of two hearts, the depth of the sea.
This separation has been immensely hard for both of us, but I am so very grateful for it.  I have realized that John means so much to me, he truly is my other half.  With him gone, it is like a piece o my heart is missing.  Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts.  I search for him knowing he isn't there, I wait for him knowing he won't come home tonight.  I have conversations with him in my head as I fall asleep because it is what I have always done.  I have realized that it is something rare and special to have someone you can talk to about anything.  When I do not get to talk to him, tell him everything about everything I feel tense, stressed, heavy, and sad.  After talking with him, even for 5 minutes I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.  He literally helps me carry my burdens, he is my companion, and we are yolked.
This sweet feeling I have, the one that makes me smile at the mere thought of him, is something I have come to deeply cherish.  I thank the Lord daily for bring a man into my life that I could love so truly and so deeply, and man who would love me as much in return, a man who I would come to rely on in many ways.  This is love, pure and unfeigned.

Gone

John is gone.  He has been for almost a week now.  He is in Virginia training with a company who wants to hire him.  I have to say it's been tough, but doable.  Some days I have been just fine, and some days have been truly hard, but one thing amazes me above all.  I have discovered that he makes everything better.  Talking to him for just a few minutes can make the hardest day bearable, happy even.  He lights up my darkest days like I never imagined.  Just hearing his voice makes me want to laugh again, and get him laughing too.
It sounds silly to me when I say it.  It seems to me that after being married for over 6 years I would have figured out that he brings me so much light and so much joy, but having him gone has made it all so clear.  We have never been apart for more then a few days, so this is big.  10 weeks without him, it's HUG!
That saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." has been running through my head.  I never wanted to test it out, I always wanted to be with him and grow fonder of each other together.   I guess I took advantage of him.  He is such an active and attentive father and husband.  He did the dishes almost every day, often he would start a load of laundry and take out the garbage.  He was so involved with the kids, he was often reading to them, wrestling with them, and Elizabeth just adores him in every way.  Now that he is gone, we feel it keenly.  Now the house work all falls on me, except for the few chores I can get the kids to do.  He left some mighty big shoes to fill.  I am determined to fill them, but only until he gets back.  I am determined to not worry or stress him so that he can focus on what he has to do.  When I am determined, nothing will stop me.
One thing that has made my day each day is when he calls.  I love to talk to him, even if it's just for a few minutes, but there is something else, something so adorable I want to squeal.  As soon as he calls Elizabeth knows. I don't know how she knows, but she does.  She immediately crawls over to me and tries to grab the phone.  I say she is only a mama's girl right now because daddy is gone.  So when I put the phone to her ear she gets the biggest grin and starts to laugh and babble.  She only does it with John though.  If I give her the phone with grandma she will look at it and try to push the buttons or eat it.  She knows his voice and she just lights up.  John has that influence on us.  :)
I don't know if this has made any sense to any one or if it's just an opportunity to get my thoughts and feelings out, but there it is.
Tomorrow I will make a far more entertaining post about the cake I am making today.

The priesthood

I am grateful for the Priesthood.  The priesthood is the power of God on Earth.  In old testament times when Christ walked the Earth and called apostles He ordained with with power and authority.  This same power and authority that existed in the early Church of Christ has been restored to the Earth in these latter days.  Through the power and Authority of God men ordained to the priesthood can bless and heal the sick, cast out devils, give blessings, and speak by the power and authority of God.  I do not know all of the powers and key that men can hold, but I  know that the priesthood has blessed my life immensely.  I am so grateful to see this power in my life.  I know that I am so blessed to have the priesthood in my home and to share in the blessing that my husband does.

My husband

Tonight I am very grateful for my husband.  Is is so sweet and loving.  He is supportive and hard working.  He is patient, kind, and understanding.  He loves me and thinks I am beautiful.  He is encouraging, honest, sincere, and he is so very good to me.
I won't overkill this with words.  Sometimes I come across a feeling so deep and pure that I cannot put it into words.  That is how I feel about my love for John.  It's cheesy I know, but I like cheese, Marbled Colby/ Monteray Jack cheese to be exact.

Date night

Tonight I am grateful for date night.  Not only are dates fun, even after you get married, but they are important.  It's a time when we get to sit and talk about what ever we want, be as affectionate as we want, and it's really a time time when there are no stresses.  We don't worry about work, school, kids, cleaning, or anything like that.  We just focus on each other and building the love we have.  It's so good for us.  I highly recommend dates.
This fun little picture is the two of us over the summer when we went to a Regency Era ball.  It was so fun!  I never got a chance to go to prom so we kind of treated this like prom.   I made the dress (sort of)  I got ready with a friend who was so funny insisting on making this very prom like for me, she did my hair and everything.  Then john picked me up and he had even gotten me a corsage.  So sweet.
My weeks are long and hard, and I know John's are too.  So come date night we are both ready for a few hours of relaxation.  A few hours where we can forget all the stuff that has been worrying us and just enjoy some time together.  I am also very grateful tonight for John's sister who baby sits so often for us.  Without her we would get far fewer dates.  So thank you to her, and to my sweet husband for taking me on dates.

The best date ever!

Valentine's Day was seriously hectic for John, more so then usual. He had to work until 10:00 pm, he had a huge project due the next day, and also a huge meeting with one of the College Dean's all looming. So we did something with the kids Sunday night and decided to move our date to another day. John had President's Day off and so we chose President's Day. The kids and I were really looking forward to having a day, a WHOLE day with daddy home. When he gets home at 10 pm every night they don't get much time with me, neither do I. To start out the day we all had breakfast together, Glen made daddy a pancake all by himself. Then John went shopping and I did a bit of house work. We met at John's mom's house at noon where his sister and mother would watch the kids. John took me to the restaurant we went to on our first date and gave me a yellow rose. Then he took me to a book store and told me to pick out tow books. I immediately picked out Jane Austen's complete novels in leather bound, beautiful isn't it? And looked around trying to decide between a dictionary or another classic novel. John brought me a white rose and I decided on another classic novel, The Inheritance, by Louisa May Alcott. (The dictionary I wanted was a lot of money) Then it was on to the movie. He knew I had been wanting to see Tangled with him and so that is the movie he took me too. There he gave me a red rose. Yellow, white, and red, are the color of roses he gave me the day he proposed. After the movie we went swimming with the boys. We all had so much fun. After we got home he gave me the itunes gift card. He knows how much I love music and especially itunes so I can get the song I want and not the whole CD. The whole date was a surprise and I loved every minute of it. Especially sharing a milk shake at lunch. I love how well my husband loves me and how hard he works to help me feel loved. He is such a wonderful man and I feel so blessed. Now I just need to finish the two books I am reading and then I can start on my new books...

Skiing

John loves to go skiing for his birthday. It is all he has asked for since he was like 14. This was my second year going with him and we had so much fun. We left Glen with Grandma Hansen and we took off for the slopes. We got to Alta at about 9:30 or so and it was freezing. The temperature at the time was -2, but with the suns help it warmed up a lot after only a few hours. We stopped for lunch at Alf's lodge before heading back to the mountain (which incidentally we never left)

I took a lot of scenery pictures because it was absolutely gorgeous up there.
As you can see the sun was shining and it mad the snow sparkle.Breathtaking is all I can say.It wasn't windy where we were down on the slopes, but you can see the wind picking the snow up off the summit here. I think this looks really cool. This picture was taken right after we got there and I am standing next to the car, gotta love the zoom.Aww, the ski lift, the view, the terror. The place to rest sore muscles until the next run down.This is the view from our table in Alf's Lodge. It looks so peaceful and serene, no one would ever know that waiting just out side lurking in the shadows are sore muscles, soft snow drifts to plough into, and the chance to go a million miles an hour down a steep hill.

Lunch break, mmm...my husband. What a great man. I sure do love him.

Testimony

As I sit here watching Glen play with is feet and hear him talk to me, I cannot help but smile. I have been thinking today about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ I must follow the commandments of the Lord to be found worthy of receiving His blessings. As I think of all He has blessed me with I cannot imagine wanting to live any other way. I am eternally grateful for the sealing ordinance that has allowed me to be sealed to my husband and family for time and all eternity because I could not picture life with out my sweet son or my wonderful husband. In the words of President Monson, "heaven would not be heaven without [them]"
I have found nothing but joy in this gospel. Sure there are times of sorrow and heart ach that we all must pass through in this mortal realm, but knowing that through the Atonement of Christ we can all be healed makes those times of sorrow seem like mere moments, which they are in the eternal spectrum.
I love the Lord with all of my heart. He has given me so much, all that I have is from Him. He led me to my husband, gave us a child, a home, families, and more blessings and opportunities then I could ever count. After all that He has given me keeping His commandments is such a small price to pay.
I konw that God lives. He has a body of flesh and bone, He has a son, and His Son died for us. I know that He loves us, He hears our prayers, and He knows us each by name. He is mindful of us, our wants, needs, and desires are known to Him. And I know that He wants us to have joy.

Dreams come true

Ready for a big ego massage, John?
Today John made one of my dreams come true. It is a silly one I admit, but I love him all the more for it. As I was washing dishes today he suddenly came in, grabbed my hand and started dancing with me. Cheese and Ham!
John is so wonderful. How grateful I am for this man who has my life so wonderful. Last night and this morning I was feeling very lugubrious and John was so good to me, as he always is. He was getting things for me, helping out with Glen, and he made sure to give me plenty of hugs. I thank the Lord daily for His mercy in leading me to John and giving me the opportunity to have such a wonderful husband and child.
I just went in the nursery a minute ago and I saw John rocking Glen to try and get him down for a nap, wow! What an amazing man. John is such a great husband and father.
One by one John is slowly making all of my silly, and not so silly dreams come true.