The D word

It's a nasty, yucky word, full of icky-ness.  Divorce.  The word alone breaks my heart. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Before I got married it was not even an option, as newlyweds, it wasn't even an option.  Whoa! Maybe I should pause to reassure you, I'm not breaking any sort of news here on the blog. Feeling better now? Good. Now back to my musings.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love, happily ever after, isn't that how the story goes?  Nope.  Not at all.  See, what the fairy tale fails to mention is that the happy, giddy, butterfly feeling won't last very long and when it's gone, what's next?  No one told me what to do, no one even warned me it would happen.  Lets go back about 8 years.  I had been married about a year and I realized that I wasn't in love any more.  how did that happen?  When did that happen?  John was a great guy and I enjoyed spending time with him, but I just didn't love him any more.  I didn't believe in the D word, I wouldn't even let myself think it.  Instead I faced years stuck in a marriage with a man I felt nothing for any more.  Ouch!  That was a long, ugly road I also didn't want to go down, so what was I going to do?  I remember sitting in the temple pleading for guidance.  What should I do?  I didn't love my husband any more, but I wasn't even thinking about that other, yucky word.  A voice whispered to get out while I still could. Yep, I'll ignore that one.  So I kept praying and it was like Jesus came and sat on the couch next to me so we could have a talk.
"Who is the first person you want to talk to when you leave the temple?"
"John!"
"Who do you want to talk to about your day?"
"John."
"Who do you love to sit with, laugh with, and read with?"
"John."
"Who do you feel the safest with?"
"John."
I'm noticing a pattern.  And then I was ready for the sweetest part.  I realized that I did love John, but you knew that already didn't you?  You already know how this story ends, so let me fill in the middle.  I realized that when you first meet someone and fall in love it's full of excitement and newness, it's full of butterflies and stolen kisses. And then you get married and back to regular life. You get busy with work and maybe kids.  You fall into a routine, comfortable with each other.  Maybe you miss it, I did.  You both change, the way you feel changes.  My love for John was still there, but it had changed to something different, something more solid, deeper, more enduring.  It will always be there.  Even when I am being buried in dirty laundry and diapers.  When life is so hectic I hardly get to see him all week and we miss our date because of one reason or another it's still there, running deep, like underground water.  A life spring that might be missed if you don't know what to look for.
Now here we are almost 9 years later and I gotta tell you, life has gotten tough.  It's busy and hectic, stressful, but still amazing because it's our life.  But sometimes in the hectic day to day I start to hear that voice again, the one trying to convince me we aren't in love any more and I have to look deep inside to find the deep abiding love.  But its still there, it's always there.  It will always be there, but I have to work to keep it.

Love wins over Vanity

The other day I found out my friends husband died from cancer.  He is the fourth person in two years.  Each time I have been there to mourn with the family, I have helped take care of the person when they were sick, provided meals and service, cookies, a listening ear, anything that I could do.  This time I felt even more helpless.  I am too far away to offer meals, service, or even fresh cookies.  What could I do?  Last night as I brushed my hip length hair I delighted in the length, a length I had worked and waited 4 years for, I marveled at the softness and the healthy sheen.  I am in love with my hair.  I wanted to see how long it was and I was excited to see that it was 25 inches!  That was long enough to donate.  I have donated my hair 2 or 3 times in the past, but i had stopped because I wanted long hair, really long hair.  I finally had that.  I didn't want to donate it.  It was my hair and I was keeping it.  I realized how selfish that was and decided I had to donate it.  So I called up my neighbor this morning and asked her if she could get me in before I lost my nerve.  I went over this afternoon and she chopped it off.  I almost cried, I have come quite vain over my hair.
It was all worth it.  I can't help much, I wish I could.  More then anything I wish I could be there with my friend to hug her, help her, mourn with her, and just be with her, but since I can't then I can donate my hair to Locks for Love.  My vanity is a small price to pay for the love I have for her and her family.  Besides, it will be nice and cool and hair grows back.  Usually. :)

It's worth it

A few nights ago as I tucked Glen into bed and told him I loved him he surprised me by saying back "Love you mommy." I have never heard such sweetness. I melted into a puddle right there. I picked Glen up out of his crib and held him for a few minutes longer. It is moments like this that make all of the mom struggles worth it.
Since then Glen has been asking for hugs and kisses, telling us he loves us, and I think enjoying our reaction when he does. Can I help it if I squeal and run to give him a squeeze when he says "Love you mommy," those words make my heart feel so happy, I just can't hold it all in.
In the midst of the two year old turmoil, in between all of those No!'s and tantrums there is a bit of sweetness, just enough that we keep our sanity and love it. It is the times when he says love you and gives me a hug, when Benjamin shares his binkey, when I get hurt and Glen asks if I am ok, when Benjamin smiles, it is the times like this that make me never want to trade motherhood for the world. It is times like this when it is worth it and I love it.