I am who I am and I am O.K.

I thought long and hard about this before I wanted to attempt putting it into words.  I didn't know who to say what I wanted to say, but I knew it needed to be said.  I think I am ready, I pray for guidance.

I have a friend who has really been struggling the past few years.  She is one of my best friends and I have tried so hard to help her in any way I can.  Too often I feel helpless, but she tells me I have helped her, that I have inspired her.  One day as we talked on the phone I started to tell her some things from my past.  I have a...how to put this...complicated past.  It is filled with years of abuse, hospitalizations, therapy, homes, rape, and struggles with anxiety and depression because of those things, just to scratch the surface.  I told her a little about it, I'm a pretty private person and I don't usually say much about it but she said "Wow, I never knew you struggled, I mean I guess everyone does but I never thought of you as being like me."  That hit me really hard.  I have not tried to hide who I am, I am not ashamed of what I have been through, on the contrary it is who I am, it is because of those struggles that I have become the person I am.
Do you remember this talk* by Elder Holland?  It's been the big thing for a lot of my friends.  I loved it so much.  I won't talk mush about it, but encourage you to go read it.  The way I see it the world wants us to think that if we are not perfect, happy, talented, and wonderful all the time then there must be something wrong with us.  We feel the need to hide it.  We have to pretend everything is ok and we are happy.  Don't believe me?  If you ask someone how they are doing do they really tell you or give you the automatic "I'm fine." response.  Sometimes we really are fine, but we don't always have to be.
So here is what I have to say to my friend, I hope you are seeing this.  We are who we are.  God made us this way, the good and the bad.  We struggle because we need to to grow.  Our trials and heart aches are nothing to be ashamed of, they are nothing to hide.  They are a part us us as surly as our ability to smile or cry.  The bitter and the sweet are a necessary part of His plan, they are part of having agency.  I say to you, and to all who are struggling with one thing or another, you are ok.  You are loved.  You are known.  You are special.  Let your light shine.
When I start to feel depressed or anxious I start to count my blessings, hug my babies, pray, and be positive.  It does not totally chase away the darkness, but it gives me hope and light, it reminds me that I am ok and that everything will be ok.


*Like a Broken Vessel https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng