Enduring

     It's one of those days.  One of the hard ones.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  I have worked hard to develop an optimistic outlook in life.  Maybe it's because I hate being sad, or maybe it's because I feel like I can't function as well when I am feeling down.  Sometimes I really struggle with depression, winter is really tough.  Sometimes I have a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not winter.  The sun is shining and life is exciting.  Not really, I'm just trying to be optimistic.  :D
      I had a horrible nightmare about hornets flying into my dress and stinging me on the back.  Last week I was stung 5 times in one day when a hornet got into my hair and again a week later when it flew into my scarf  before my husband took out the nest of yellow jackets near my garden.  I've developed a bit of a phobia now.  I kind of freak out when anything near me flies, especially if it is yellow.  By kind of freak out I mean screaming and crying.  I'm too scared to go out into my garden for hours a day like I was a few weeks ago.  I'm kind of afraid to even go outside which could be leading to this little bout of blue devils.
     On days like this I feel so weighed down, my mind is heavy.  I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day, or maybe cry.  I don't want to get up and make meals for my kids, help the little girls get dressed, clean, or play games.  School is the furthest thing from my mind.  But I have to function, it's what moms do, isn't it?  I get up, I get dressed.  I have made two meals today, sweet Benjamin is making dinner.  I've played games, read books, helped with math, science and reading.  I took Glen to the library and had the presence of mind, despite a headache, to find books for the other kids.  I have done my chores, helped the other kids with theirs, given a piano lesson,  had a little quiet time to finish the autobiography I have been reading, and I got another batch of food from my garden freeze drying.
     It is so much harder to function on blue days, but I have learned to tell myself to hang on.  I know this won't last forever.  Emotionally I can't see an end, but I have learned to use logic to help me through.  I can't say I am enduring joyfully, but I am trying. I have not given in to the urge to just sit down and cry, instead I have taken up yet another picture book to read to my insatiable book worms.  I didn't give in to the urge to let them watch TV all day so I can just sleep away the clouds, instead I have sat down to help with school work.  I'm not always good at functioning well, but it helps to remember that this won't last forever.  Tomorrow will be a little brighter, but if not, then God will help me through the next cloudy day and I will try to dance in the rain.