Taking off the mask

Do you ever feel like your wearing a mask, like people expect you to be happy ALL the time?  I used to feel like that, I guess I still do sometimes.  Over the summer though, I learned something amazing!  I was asked to go to girls camp to interpret for a Deaf girl and I am so glad I did, because not only did I have tons of fun, but I learned so much!
What I have been thinking a lot about lately, today especially  is feelings.  I think there is a general idea that we always need to be happy and smiling.  Last week I was so tired, and so pregnancy sick that I was barely functioning.  Then I was given a 45 minute lecture, by a sweet well intentioned woman, about not smiling enough.  She told me that others will be more happy to serve me when I need it if I am smiling and that if I am frowning I can't see the Lord's hand in my life or feel his blessings.  Maybe she is right, I'm not sure.  I know that that day even though I was feeling so sick and so tired I still felt grateful for my family, my kids, my friends, the Gospel, my testimony, and my Savior.  And those are just the things I can remember from a week ago.
So here is my whole point in posting.  At this girls camp the Stake leaders had a class where they talked about Christ and all the feeling he had.  They used scriptural references and everything to show the girls that he felt sad, angry, and hurt at times.  They explained that because he was sinless and perfect in all he did those feelings were also perfect.  It's ok to feel sad, hurt, or angry, as long as we are still trying to become better people and using those feelings to help and not hurt.
I am so grateful for that lesson they taught.  I'm grateful to know that being sad is ok.  I don't want to feel like I have to always be smiling, to me that is a lie.  I do try to exert myself and be happy even when I don't feel like it, and I try to put a good face on things, but there are just times when life is hard and I am going to cry and be sad.  To me it's honest to show how I feel, to still be kind and act appropriately  but to still be able to show how I feel.  I don't know, maybe some people really are happy all the time, but I'm not so I am glad for the lesson I learned at girls camp.

Big helpers

 I realized it's been a week since I last posted, and it wasn't the most cheerful, was it?  Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks.  Benjamin had a birthday, I'll try to post about that tomorrow or the next day, and Glen has reached a new stage of development and loves to help me.
Benjamin loves to help with chores and cleaning, they are both excellent little cleaners when they are in a good mood.  In fact, if I can toot my mommy horn for a second here, I had a lady compliment me on how well behaved and what good cleaners they are.  A man in our ward has cancer and the ward wanted to finish renovating their kitchen  a project he started before being diagnosed.  Once the men had done their part with the fixing stuff, the women went over to clean.  I took my boys with me and when I walked in the door this lady said she thought "Oh great.  The last thing we need is a couple boys making trouble."  But then she went on to tell me how pleased she was because they got right down to work and scrubbed floored, washed windows, and cleaned the fire place   They cleaned for an hour until the work was done.  That just made my little heart so happy. I tell John "If the laundry is in the wrong spot, or unfolded, it is because Benjamin decided he was going to put it all away by himself.  And they both love doing the dishes!
So anyway, this pregnancy had been extremely difficult for me.  I have been off and on partial bed rest and I have been so sick very often.  There are hardly any chores I can do without help and I have been in a lot of pain.  But my sweet boys have been s helpful, especially Glen.  He can tell when I am in pain or not feeling well and he always prays for me and makes such an effort to help out.  He will support me when I walk, run and grab things for me, make lunch or dinner, he is so gentle, and he helps Benjamin too.  He has such a compassionate spirit!
Despite the times when I wonder if Gypsies still buy children, I love these sweet boys so much.  Benjamin and I were having issues this morning, but we pretended to go to sleep and we both started over and the rest of the day went well.  He was cheerful and helpful.  He put away the dishes (I think they like that they get to climb on the counters.) :)  and he even took a nap.  No, despite those tough times I could never bee without my boys.  They mean too much to me.  I just need to remember that when the going gets tough.

Child for sale

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder if you really can sell your children to the gypsies, or maybe on ebay?  I'm having one of those nights.  It's like they can tell when I feel sick and am really tired and they decide it's a good time to really push the limits.  "How far can we go before mom really loses it?"  Rawr!  So frustrated!
They are idle threats, and I stop trying to sell them after they fall asleep, but right now...right now I am just shaking my head and deciding to ignore them.  They will fall asleep eventually, right?  If not John will be home to relieve me. *Sigh*  This is one of those time when I tell John when he gets home "I want you to go in there, and kill the boys."  Bill Cosby, enough said.  Haha, ya, watching that cheered me up.  But I'm still shaking me head at my own children.
Oh well, I'd miss them before too long so I guess I agree with John when he tells me I can't sell them or kill them.  Can I at least use duct tape?  :)