coexist

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I sometimes struggle when we have those lessons in church, you know the ones about faith and fear and they can't coexist.  It always bothers me because as someone who lives in fear daily they seem to be saying I just don't have enough faith.  I have actually been told by people, by a bishop even, that I wouldn't have anxiety if I would just have faith, I wouldn't be afraid anymore, or depressed, I just needed to have more faith in Christ.  Now, I know myself pretty well.  I know where I am struggling spiritually and where I need to work, but faith, well, I say I'm doing pretty good in the faith department.  I know Jesus Christ is my savior and Redeemer, more then that, I FEEL it.  Yet my anxiety remains.  Some days are so bad that I can hardly function.

Well I'm here to tell you that you can have faith and fear. At the same time.  I experienced it today, and it made me think of all the times that I have had a similar experience.  I have had really rough couple of days as far as depression and anxiety go.  I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm going down from a really high roller coaster, you know that tight feeling?  My muscles tense, ready to run, I can feel it in my whole body.  My mind gets a little foggy, it's hard to think of anything except the worry and the fear.  I start to pull into myself.  And then I pray and I feel peace.  Oddly enough it don't take away the fear, it's still there. I still feel tense and my stomach hurts and my head hurts, but there is peace. How can I feel them both?  I won't question it, I'll be grateful for it because even though faith and fear are not supposed to be able to exist at the same time, somehow, fear and peace do.  They don't struggle and fight each other, they exist together and somehow I make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow is a little brighter.

Power of Faith

Today I had a really sweet experience that showed me the power of faith.  A few weeks ago we met a couple from the Philippines.  The sister missionaries had been telling us about them for awhile and I was so excited to meet them.  I immediately adopted Manuel and Solidad, you can never have enough grandma and grandpas. Oh my goodness, they are the cutest, sweetest little old people ever!  Anyway, today was the day they were to be baptized.  During church I heard that Manuel had been hospitalized.  He has a lot of health problems and had been in the hospital since Saturday morning, no one knew if they were going to make it to their baptism.  I found out later that this sweet couple had been the topic of many prayers.  God hears us!  Manuel made it!  He was picked up from his house right before the baptism was to begin and would be taken home right after so he could rest.  Manuel was so weak he could barely stand.  He was helped in by four people and he was on oxygen, there were two missionaries, in addition to the man baptizing him because he was too weak to walk on his own or stand up again after being baptized.  It brought tears to my eyes to see such great faith!  He knew so deeply that the church was true and that he and his wife must be baptized that he would not let anything stand in the way, not even such extreme illness.  I'm sure I was not the only one praying as he was buried in the water, holding my breath, and wishing to be in the water to help him.  The most wonderful thing happened, a true miracle.  When he came up out of the water he was no longer so pale, he didn't need his oxygen, and he walked and stood on his own.  He looked so much better!  He is still sick and will need rest, but I know the Lord blessed him for his choice!
I am grateful to have been able to witness such faith and miracles and I look forward to opportunities to work with and serve these sweet people who have adopted us in return.
#Indymormon #bookofmormon

Discoveries in faith

Ten weeks they said, so we planned on ten weeks.  It has now been 14 weeks and we still don't know when John is coming home.  I have tried very hard to use those 14 weeks to learn as much as I can.  My theory is that we learn the most and grow the most when we are uncomfortable.  Well, I have definitely been uncomfortable.  I'm very pregnant, John is gone, I've spent most of those 14 weeks very sick, and every thing is harder without daddy here.  What have I learned?  I have learned that I can always turn to the Lord for comfort and help.  I have learned that I have a really great support system and to just say thank you when they help me.  I have learned how incredibly strong and capable I am, but also how very weak I am without the support of my helpmeet.  I have learned that as important as a clean house, teaching the kids to clean, nightly personal scriptures and prayers for the children, and learning time are, it's more important for my children to have a nice mommy.  Here's the big one: The lord is not only into the details of our lives, he WILL take care of the details.
That last one is the newest lesson, one I learned just last night in fact.  I did not sleep well a majority of the time because in addition to this lovely cough, I was stressed about being so close to my due date without John here.  What if he misses it?  What if I have to stay here alone with a newborn because John got a job, but couldn't wait for me?  What if in addition to a newborn I have to worry about getting packed and taking care of 3 little kids by myself?  What if...The list was endless.  Finally at some point, as I plead for peace and to be able to sleep the Spirit spoke to me.  I was told, though not in words, to stop worrying about the details and to stop trying to plan, to "Let me take care of it."  I have heard that before.  At times when I can't get Elizabeth to sleep and I am so tired I can't cope with it anymore I lay her down crying and plead for help and I hear "Let me take care of it."  And he does, he takes care of it the way a loving Father would and before long we can both be at peace and sleep.  It wasn't as comforting last night.  I had to struggle.  I have not struggled with my faith for along time, but last night I battled with myself.  I battled to give up control.
You see, I am not a controlling person, but I do like plans.  I like to make a plan, have a plan, or at least know the plan.  I plan birthdays and special occasions months in advance, I'm a planner.  I don't stress as much when I have a plan.  I have not been able to plan anything the past 14 weeks, not the important stuff anyway.  I can't plan where to live, where Glen will go to school, I can't make a budget, and I have no idea what I will find when I start looking for a midwife, a new dentist, a pediatrician, or or even how far to the local ward church house.  For a planner this has been the one of the hardest things about the past 3 months.
I'm happy to say that I won the battle, sort of.  I have still had to remind myself to let the Lord take care of it, but I'm trying.  I won't ask John to come home when I reach 37-38 weeks, I won't stay here if John gets  a job and I am close to my due date.  I won't worry about the trip, or packing, or whether I will be here or there when I deliver.  I'm just going to go with it.  At least I am going to try.

Have faith

Faith is knowing the sun will rise, lighting each new day. Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray. Faith is like little seed: if planted it will grow. Faith is a swelling within my heart.

In Ether 12:6 (book of Mormon) it teaches that you do not receive a witness until the trial of your faith. Currently my faith is being tried in many ways. Some are far more difficult then others. Feeling that the Lord wants me to rely on my own wisdom and knowledge to potty train my son is a trail of my faith. Staying at home instead of working is a trail of my faith. Raising my kids is a trail of my faith. Going to church, making friends, following promptings. Everyday there are trails that I must navigate. Often I do not know why, or what the out come will be. Many times I have heard faith referred to as a blind leap. In a way it is. It's like putting on a blind fold and following directions from someone you cannot see. You trust that they will not lead you into danger, you trust that they will protect you and give you the information you need to make it safely on the path. Right now though, the biggest trail of my faith is none of those things I listed. They are all in some way a trial of my faith, but not the big one. The big one right now, the one that causes fear and faith to battle constantly is our bank account. Because of some very unexpected and very large bills our account is very low, lower then it has ever been.

Every year when we get our tax return we spend some of it and put the rest into savings. We slowly eat away at it until the next year and repeat the process. Right now we are under $500. That means if the car has problems, we get really sick and need a doctor, really if anything happens we are in trouble. Hence the fear.

Here is where faith comes in. I just paid my tithing. I have always had a testimony of tithing. There have been some pretty remarkable miracles in my life that I attribute to paying tithing. I would never give a single thought to skipping it and putting the money elsewhere, it wouldn't do any good. I have been promised that if I pay tithing the windows of Heaven will be opened and blessing poured out upon my head. So many that I will not have room to receive them all. I believe this promise will be fulfilled. I do not see how things will work out. I wear a blind fold right now. I am listening to my Father's voice, I am following Him. I know he will lead me safely through and after the trial of my faith I will have an even stronger testimony of tithing and so much more.

I can see already that He is watching out for me. With summer coming to an end I am thinking about clothes for the kids. I did not know where the clothes would come from, we cannot afford them right now, there is no money for new clothes. I was starting to think of who I could ask for clothes. I was at a loss. Then today my friend and neighbor asked if I needed clothes. I could have cried. It was like she read my mind. I know it was not just her though, the Lord was working through her to answer my prayer and bless me and my family. That is what happens when you have faith. the Lord answers. Some times it is hard to have faith, but I am doing my best, and I know the Lord will do the rest.

How Could I forget?

I'm not sure how I manage it, but somehow I frequently forget how blessed I am.Today my little reminder was an article by an Atheist woman talking about "Mormon mommy blogs" She said she read them because "...they help women like me envision a life in which marriage and motherhood could potentially be something other than a miserable, soul-destroying trap," But she wondered if life was really as good as we portrayed it. I say we because I am a Mormon Mommy blogger. To answer her question, yes, life can be and is that good, for me at least.

I can be honest and still tell you that there are days when I miss being single, when all I had to worry about was me and not a huge pile of bills, kids, meals, house work, finances and so on. But Most days, yes, most days I love my life. I have a good life. I have a wonderful husband who is patient, kind, loving and works really hard to provide for us. I have two sweet, rambunctious little boys who bring me more joy then I ever imagined possible, we have a home, and we have the gospel in our lives.

Yes, we have a wonderful life. I often forget how wonderful. Lets face it, being a mom is not easy, it is no walk in the park. Even on the easy days, like today, I am exhausted, losing patience with a two year old who wont go to bed, and wanting to escape into a good book. But I have so many blessing that I was reminded of in reading this article. Elder Eyring promised in conference once that any faithful couple who paid a full thithe would be blessed to find a way for the mother to stay at home. We took that blessing to heart and put it to the test. And believe me it has been tested. John goes to school full time and works part time. Most of the time we are scraping together at the end of the month, but somehow we always make it. We make sure to pay our tithing and somehow there is always money when we need it. More then that there has always been a box of clothes or toys handed down to us form a friend or neighbor right when we needed it. We have all that we need and so much of what we want I cannot complain.

I had one woman say to me that she is so glad she is past the newly wed with kids stage because it was so hard on she doesn't know how she survived. She told me she was sorry I was in that stage, my response to her? I love it. Life is good. It is all in the way you look at life. If you can be grateful foe what you have, enjoy the life as you live it then life will be good no matter what. On the other hand if you keep saying to yourself, I will be happy when...life will be easier when... then you will always put off being happy. I choose to be happy and love life. I choose to remember my blessing and be grateful for every day, and I choose to life life, whatever the Lord my toss my way.

More holiness give me

More holiness give me, more strivings within.
More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.
More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care.
More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.
More gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.
More zeal for His glory, more hope in His Word.
More tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief.
More meekness in trial, more praise for relief.
More purity give me, more strength to o'ercome,
More freedom from earth-stains, more longings for home.
More fit for the kingdom, more useful I'd be,
More blessed and holy, more, Savior, like Thee.

Benjamin has been really sick for about a week now. Lots of throwing up and diarrhea. At first I thought it was food poisoning, but now I am not so sure. The Dr. said there is nothing she can do to help him get better, just treat the symptoms.
Today as he threw up yet again I felt like I just couldn't handle it. I am so worried about him, he has lost so much weight and has been hurting and crying so much. There had to be something I could do. So I called my sister in law who always knows just what to say. Whether she listens and sympathies or tells me straight up something I need to hear, she says it. She told me to pray. She reminded me that as a mother I have the divine right to receive personal revelation for my children and how to help them. I knew this, I had prayed about it. But I did not like the answer so I forgot about it. The Lord told me to wait and have faith. My sister in law and best friend knew just what I needed to hear to remember what the Lord wanted me to do. Now I just need to do it. It may not sound hard, but I am really having a hard time just waiting and having faith. My baby is sick and I don't want to wait, I want to DO something. But I WILL wait and I WILL have faith.