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| Thanks to my sister for taking our family picture |
I am so sorry it has been so long since I my last post. I have had long bouts of depression where I do not want to do anything and everything takes so much effort. Blogging just didn't happen.
So here I am again, I have just gotten over the last bout and am entering into a new one. When will it end? Soon I hope. There is a bright spot on the horizon. I have an appointment with a Dr. next week and hopefully after that it will get much better. I shouldn't have waited so long.
There is a point to this rambling, I swear. Last night I started noticing that I was filling into my depressive cycle and I just wanted to cry, and for more reasons then the depression, right? Here is what went through my mind. "I *just* got over the last one and now I have to face another 2-3 weeks? I don't know if I can handle it. My poor kids and husband, they get the worst of it." Work, the house, my family. It all suffers when I get like this. But I did not want it all to suffer, so I did something i have never done before. I prayed. Ok, I pray all the time, it's what I prayed for that I had never done. I told me Father in Heaven that I could feel the depression coming on and I needed his help. I did not want to be impatient or mean to my family, I did not want my work to suffer, or the house to go to pots. These are all good things to want, to be kind, still be able to function, and keep the house clean. So I told Him that I couldn't do it alone, but I knew that with His help I could do it! I needed Him to help me be strong.
This morning I woke up and my first thought was "Oh no!" I just didn't want to deal with it. But I have felt the Lord strengthening me and helping me. Last night my kids being silly, normal kids just drove me crazy and I wanted to scream and yell. This morning my youngest threw a tantrum over food, started hitting and screaming and I felt so calm. A calm that I knew was not my own. I was able to deal well. When I get depressed I just can't think. I walk into a room to make a phone call, pick up the phone (if I get that far( and then wonder what to do next. Everything is like that. I even need someone to tell me to eat or I just wont. I have also felt help with this. I can feel a lingering confusion over what I am doing, but it is being overpowered by determination to do what needs to be done. I have cleaned, cooked, worked, and played with my boys. I could feel the struggle, but not even the deepest depression is stronger the God!
I am so grateful for His help. I know I can make it through this with His help and that I will be stronger for it. I am grateful to know that God, my loving Father is here with me always, holding me, lifting me, and guiding me. I feel so much love from Him. With God, nothing is impossible.
As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I sometimes struggle when we have those lessons in church, you know the ones about faith and fear and they can't coexist. It always bothers me because as someone who lives in fear daily they seem to be saying I just don't have enough faith. I have actually been told by people, by a bishop even, that I wouldn't have anxiety if I would just have faith, I wouldn't be afraid anymore, or depressed, I just needed to have more faith in Christ. Now, I know myself pretty well. I know where I am struggling spiritually and where I need to work, but faith, well, I say I'm doing pretty good in the faith department. I know Jesus Christ is my savior and Redeemer, more then that, I FEEL it. Yet my anxiety remains. Some days are so bad that I can hardly function.
Well I'm here to tell you that you can have faith and fear. At the same time. I experienced it today, and it made me think of all the times that I have had a similar experience. I have had really rough couple of days as far as depression and anxiety go. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm going down from a really high roller coaster, you know that tight feeling? My muscles tense, ready to run, I can feel it in my whole body. My mind gets a little foggy, it's hard to think of anything except the worry and the fear. I start to pull into myself. And then I pray and I feel peace. Oddly enough it don't take away the fear, it's still there. I still feel tense and my stomach hurts and my head hurts, but there is peace. How can I feel them both? I won't question it, I'll be grateful for it because even though faith and fear are not supposed to be able to exist at the same time, somehow, fear and peace do. They don't struggle and fight each other, they exist together and somehow I make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow is a little brighter.
