Dear Jen

Dear Jen,
I used to think of you every day.  I'd walk by that bassinet your sister gave me at your funeral, the one we all knew you would have given to me if you were there.  You were always finding a home for baby stuff your sisters didn't need any more.  When Abigail got too big for the bassinet I kept it, I couldn't get rid of it.  When we moved...well, there just wasn't room and it broke my heart, but I had to send it away. I almost cried, like I was sending away part of you.
We're back in Utah now and I drive by your house every week.  Each time I think I should stop and say hi, but I can't.  I want to introduce you to my little Abigail Jennifer, I guess she isn't little any more.  She is always happy, like you were.  But then you got to meet her before I did, didn't you?  Do you remember when I came to say good bye?  That's the day I knew her name.  I hadn't been able to figure out what her name was, strange, since with the other three I knew almost immediately, but not Abigail, why couldn't I figure it out?  Nothing sounded right.  Then as I walked away from the hospital that day, I remember feeling sort of numb and I got out the doors and I felt her move and I just cried because you would never know her and even worse, she would never know a world with you in it.  Then I knew, somehow she would have something of you.  Her name.  Thanks for sharing my dear friend.
So back to the bassinet.  It's gone.  I don't cry over it anymore, I'm sure it's keeping another baby happy and you would have liked that more then me hanging on to it for a stuffed animal crib.  Now I think of you in the morning.  I have that peach foot scrub that smells so good.  I think of you every time I see it, use it, or smell it because I gave you a bottle.  One day you were over at my house and your feet were hurting so John and I set out a towel and a basin of water and had you soak your feet.  Then we scrubbed them with that amazing smelling foot scrub and we both took turns rubbing your feet.  And there you sat on the couch protesting the whole time, not that we listened to a word of it. :)
Should I make you a purple zebra cake again this year like I always do on your birthday? I haven't missed a year since you had us over to swim.  One year we even celebrated your birthday in Nauvoo.  :)  I'm so glad we hung out that day before your surgery.  We went to a movie and then shopping.  You wanted a head scarf just in case they shaved your head, but couldn't decide what to get.  I would have bought any of them for you, but I didn't think you needed one.  I thought about shaving my head too. Then we could have both been bald and beautiful. :)
It's gotten easier, living without you, but only a little.  I still cry, but less often.  My heart hurts, it aches when I think of you.  I miss you.  I can't wait to see you again.
Love always,
Your friend

Benjamin's miricle

I'm not sure I ever wrote about Benjamin's illness.  Now I'm ready.
Benjamin was born big and healthy. There were no concerns and I went home early without a doubt that he would be as sweet and easy as Glen.  That first night was hard, a bit of a nightmare really.  He cried almost non stop.  Then he started puking.  He was throwing up so much I thought he wasn't keeping enough food so I'd feed him again and try to get him to sleep.  It was 5 am and still non of us had gotten any sleep.  Finally we decided John needed to get at least a few hours of sleep before work the next day and so I was going to take Benjamin out, I just needed to use the bathroom first.  While I was gone I heard Benjamin crying.  I didn't want to leave the bathroom and deal with it, I was so tired.  Then the crying stopped.  I went into my room and Benjamin was asleep.  John said he threw up and then went right to sleep.  The poor little guy must have been so tired.  After that we didn't really worry much, it was a one time thing.  He still cried a lot, way more then Glen ever had, and he spit up after every feeding and in between as well, but he was a baby so he couldn't tell me what was going on.  He gained weight and boy was he chubby.  At three months he was wearing 9 month clothes, he was on his way to being round as a ball!
One day he got a rash on his cheek.  I didn't worry about it, but it got worse.  It would bleed sometimes and I could tell that it bothered him.  The Dr. said not to worry, just keep it clean and put on lotion.  Christmas rolled around, Benjamin had had the rash for about a month now and it was on both cheeks.  We spent that Christmas in Southern Utah with my mom and she said the rash looked like it was caused by allergies, I should have him tested.  My Dr. didn't think it was allergies, but I asked her to humor me and test him anyway.  She did a blood test, she said it wasn't very accurate, but it was way cheaper then the allergist.  She would test for milk, eggs and nuts, the most common allergies.  The next day we got a call, the test showed he was allergic to all three.  She wanted us to go to the allergist.  They tested Benjamin for a whole score of things and it turned out he had at least a dozen food and animal allergies.  I cut out as much as I could from my diet and hoped it would help, and for a little while it did, but I was starving.  I had to put him on formula by 9 months.  My chubby baby was gone.  At nine months he was wearing three month clothes and I had moved him down a diaper size because he had lost so much weight.  The Dr. said he had fail to thrive.  I was so scared.  I didn't think he would survive.  I remember taking him home after yet another Dr. appointment and just sitting on the floor crying.  I rocked him and begged him to be strong and get better, he just had to get better.  He was almost a year and he didn't play, he hardly smiled or laughed, he didn't really crawl and wasn't trying to walk.  He just layed there most of the time.  He looked like a stick figure he was so skinny.  It hurt my heart and scared me.  I trusted my Dr. and I did everything she told me to, special formulas, medications, we went to see specialists, he was frequently getting sick because he was so weak and I faithfully took him in every time, knowing she would have the answer.  And every night I pled with Heavenly Father to help him get better and help me to know how to help him.  I felt so lost.  I remember one night after I prayed I had the impression to check his formula.  I had been told by the Dr. and nutritionist to put him on a special formula for kids with milk allergies and I didn't check it.  For maybe a month I had the impression to check and I didn't. Then one morning I did.  The number one ingredient was MILK!!!  What!?  But his biggest allergy was milk, why would the Dr. tell me to give him a milk based formula?  I called the Dr. she said it was for kids with allergies, but it has milk in it I said!  Then I called the nutritionist, she said that the milk protein was broken down so kids could digest it.  She said "Imagine that the milk protein is a lego castle, we took the castle and broke it up so it's easier to digest."  "But he isn't allergic to castles, he is allergic to legos!"  I nearly yelled.  I felt so betrayed, why hadn't they known?  Why did they tell me to use it? Why didn't I listen to that prompting a month ago!?  Against their advice, finally, I put him on a different formula.   Soy.  He gained weight like a new born, nearly doubling his weight in the first month.  Within a few months he was in the normal wight range for his age group.  The Dr. didn't have the answer, but God did.  We threw Benjamin another birthday party since his first was such a bust, he was too sick to eat the cake or anything.  For us though it wasn't a birthday party, it was a survival party.  We knew he would survive. You see, we hadn't told anyone how worried we were, or how very sick Benjamin was because...I don't know, I was too scared.  I thought saying it would make it more real and then I'd lose him.  I still have a hard time thinking about how close he was to dying.
Fast forward to his fifth birthday.  He has a few friends over for a birthday party, but he just hid in his room.He wouldn't play with other kids, he wouldn't let people touch him.  He didn't talk very much or interact with anyone.  John thought he was autistic.  I thought he was just shy.  We still aren't sure honestly.  Maybe because he was so sick his brain didn't make all of the connections when it was supposed to, maybe he just liked to play alone. All I knew is that when the boys went out to play Glen would jump right in and Benjamin would sit on the hill and watch the other kids play.  If anyone tired to include him he would run inside and watch from the deck. Then one day I bought him some Pokemon cards.  The other kids had some too and slowly he began to talk to them, to trade and play. Slowly, in a one on one situation, but only if Glen was there, then with a small group with Glen, then occasionally on his own.  He began to talk and to play with other kids, he began to talk to us.  He still didn't want to be touched or hugged, arms length was where he preferred people, even me.  It worried me a little, but he was playing so I rejoiced in his progress and tried to help him work through these big feeling he had, but didn't know how to deal with or talk about.  After a year he began to sit next to me, then on my lap.  I felt like I had to speak softly and move slowly so I didn't frighten him away.  He had a Sunday school teacher in Indiana who has my undying gratitude because he really helped Benjamin.  I don't know what he did. but they bonded.  Benjamin would go to class willingly without clinging to me.  When he saw his teacher he even smiled.  Then one day, shortly before we moved I walked Benjamin to class to find that his teacher wasn't there.  Those were the hard Sundays.  And then Brother Martin walked in.  Benjamin turned around and saw him, the fear immediately left his face and it's like the sun came out. He broke into a huge grin and leapt into Brother Martin's arms for a hug!  It made us both a little teary eyed to see that.  Some how Brother Martin had gotten through to Benjamin and gave him a safe place to show his feeling, whether he was sad or mad or happy it was safe to be around brother Martin.  Just a few weeks later we moved.  I worried about Benjamin in a new place, but we have been blessed with another wonderful teacher. This man has the patience of a saint.  Benjamin sits next to him and for about an hour plays with his beard.  He has a thing with hair.  I've asked if it bothers him, but he says it's fine.  I hope it really is fine because Benjamin so desperately needs a safe place to learn again.  This time he is learning to show affection.  He plays with my hair.  He snuggles up to me when I read a book. He leaps into my arms for a monkey hug.  Sometimes he just rests his head or hand on my shoulder because he needs to feel another person.
I worry that he doesn't show very good boundaries, but my joy at his progress outweighs my concerns.  I no longer think he is autistic, I think he is just making brain connections differently then other kids.  He is a little behind because of his illness, but he is catching up so fast now.  It helps him to feel safe at church like he does at home, to feel safe at the play ground and with other kids.  He still gravitates towards younger children or girls who are not so rough, but I can see that even there is is progressing.  He will wrestle and play rough every now and then.  He is getting there...wherever there is.  I kind of feel like he is discovering himself.  It's a beautiful thing to watch,

Elizabeth

I have to admit something I have been denying, avoiding even, for days.  Elizabeth isn't a toddler any more.  My baby is growing up and it makes my heart ache.  I miss her babyness and her chubby little legs.  I miss her uncoordinated attempts to run and dance.  In her place I am left with this beautiful, graceful child.  As I watch her run, dance and twirl, climb, talk, and curtsy I see brief glimpses of the young woman she will become.  It fills me with hope and puts a band aide on my aching heart.  Elizabeth is...amazing.  There is really no other word for her.  She will put on a Cinderella dress and clean up a mess.  She will run for diapers and wipes when I find I am out.  She will help Abigail wash her hands, wipe her nose, or clean up when she spills water.  She is my princess, mini me, little mother, ballerina, rough and tumble, play in the dirt in a tutu, climb every tree she can girl.  I can't believe how she has grown and I am so proud of her beauty, grace, love, patience and service.  I feel so blessed to be her mother and I look forward, with great anticipation, to the years ahead.  I hope she will always be my best friend and giver of the best morning hugs.

Parenting with Love and Logic

I have been re-reading Parenting with Love and Logic, it's such a  great book!  I read it for the first time years ago before I had even gotten married or had kids.  I was going to become a teacher and I was studying child development at the time. The book was chalk full of great ideas to help teach kids and many of them I put into practice when I had my own children.  I had been feeling like I should pick it up again though so I found it at our local library and dove into it.  The author talks a lot about raising kids to be responsible, but as I have gone through the book again I got something different from the first time I read it.  I am an absolutely firm believer that kids are amazing and intelligent.  Most of the time they know so much more then we give them credit for.  I think as parents we fall into this routine of doing everything for them because they come so small and helpless that they need that.  After a year or so of doing EVERYTHING for them it's hard to remember that they can do things on their own now.  Abigail is two and she really wants to dress herself.  It's so much faster to do it myself, and I kind of have to bite my tongue and sit on my hands as she struggles through it.  We don't like to see our kids struggle and when it is so much faster to do it ourselves, well, life can get terribly busy and I'm often short on time.  Anyway, what I really wanted to tell you about is chapter three.  In chapter three the author talks about the way we phrase our words and how vital it is to phrase them a certain way.  Like I said, kids are smart.  They know when it's cold, when they want food, and they can make good choices, they LIKE to make choices.  When it was cold outside I'd say, "Get your coat, it's cold."  I think my kids might have felt sort of stupid because I phrased it in a way that said they didn't know if it was cold and had to listen to me.  Now I ask them if they want a jacket or not.   It seems like such a small things, but phrasing my requests/demands as a question has improved my relationship with my kids drastically.  Feeling like you have the power to choose, and even better, to make good choices is a very empowering feeling and has helped my boys gain confidence.  The book says to let kids make their own choices when the consequence is acceptable, I won't let Abigail choose to play on the sidewalk or on the road because getting hit by a car is not an acceptable consequence, but getting a stubbed toe because they chose to go barefoot is an acceptable consequence.  sometimes when I need them to make a specific choice, like getting in the car the choice is, "You you want to climb in your self, or would you like me to carry you?" I have tired to stay away from I told you so's as well, instead asking question to get them thinking.  Why did you stub your toe?  How can you protect your feet next time?  Because they are choosing for themselves they are also learning faster and honestly, rebelling less, less anger and digging their heels in.
One of my greatest wishes for my kids is that they are confident.  If letting them make their own choices will help them build that confidence then I am willing to sit back and let them learn, even when it's a hard lesson they must learn.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who works with or has kids.  Changing the dialog in our home, is just one of the small changes we have made, but it has had a HUGE impact on all of us.

Stay tuned next week for "Making your expectations clear so they know what you expect and only have to do the chore once."