Over the summer the boys decided they wanted to go to public school. I was sad because I loved home schooling them. It was stressful, but I loved it and I wanted to always do it. I wanted to give them the opportunity to go to school and fully expected them to hate it. It turns out they pretty much loved it. They wished it was shorter and they didn't have homework, but still they loved it and they loved their teachers. Every morning I prayed with them and sent them off to school. Every morning it was hard. I
wanted them home, but I didn't want to be selfish. I thought it would get easier to send them off to school, but it got harder. I started feeling like they should be home. At first I dismissed it because I thought it was just my desire to have them home, but that feeling of need grew every day until I could hardly bear to have them leave. I wanted to call the school and take them out. I was starting to feel anxiety every time I sent them to school or thought about them going and I didn't feel good again until they came back. Knowing that anxiety is not a feeling Heavenly Father gives I decided I needed to find peace. When I found out what Heavenly Father wanted for my family I knew I would find peace. The problem was that every time I prayed about taking them out I had a bad feeling, I felt like it was wrong. When I thought of keeping them in school I felt like that was wrong too. So after weeks of praying and thinking I finally just asked, "What do you want me to do? I wasn't ready before, but I am ready now. I will do what you want, whatever you want." I felt like they should be home in the mornings to be home schooled and then go to public school for a few hours in the afternoon. As soon as I thought that I fell immense peace and relief. The feelings were so strong that I was able to pinpoint the time of day they should go and when they should get out of school.
So the next day, without them knowing, I went in to talk to the principal and their teachers to get everything worked out. It took a few days and a bit of running around, but I got everything worked out before the end of the week. We were to start Monday. A new week. A new Month. A new start. Having them home has felt right. I know home school is not for everyone, but I know for sure that home school is for us. The children are all happier. They boys play together more, help more, they are more cheerful, less tired. The girls are happier to have their brothers home and I am happier as well. Not the happy of getting a new toy or my own way, but the deep seated, all is well joy. When it comes time for them to leave in the afternoon I feel no sadness or anxiety. I am happy to see them going to school to spend time with their friends, teachers, and learning some fun lessons away from home. I still have the responsibility to teach my children, but now I am ok sharing that responsibility. And now they are home before I know it. Part time gives us the freedom of home school, the lessons of public school, and the girl time we all need. It is our perfect fit.
I know that Heavenly Father knows my family, he knows me, and he knows what is best for us. I know that God guides me as I teach and raise my children because they are his children too. I know that God loves me.
As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I sometimes struggle when we have those lessons in church, you know the ones about faith and fear and they can't coexist. It always bothers me because as someone who lives in fear daily they seem to be saying I just don't have enough faith. I have actually been told by people, by a bishop even, that I wouldn't have anxiety if I would just have faith, I wouldn't be afraid anymore, or depressed, I just needed to have more faith in Christ. Now, I know myself pretty well. I know where I am struggling spiritually and where I need to work, but faith, well, I say I'm doing pretty good in the faith department. I know Jesus Christ is my savior and Redeemer, more then that, I FEEL it. Yet my anxiety remains. Some days are so bad that I can hardly function.
Well I'm here to tell you that you can have faith and fear. At the same time. I experienced it today, and it made me think of all the times that I have had a similar experience. I have had really rough couple of days as far as depression and anxiety go. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm going down from a really high roller coaster, you know that tight feeling? My muscles tense, ready to run, I can feel it in my whole body. My mind gets a little foggy, it's hard to think of anything except the worry and the fear. I start to pull into myself. And then I pray and I feel peace. Oddly enough it don't take away the fear, it's still there. I still feel tense and my stomach hurts and my head hurts, but there is peace. How can I feel them both? I won't question it, I'll be grateful for it because even though faith and fear are not supposed to be able to exist at the same time, somehow, fear and peace do. They don't struggle and fight each other, they exist together and somehow I make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow is a little brighter.