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| Thanks to my sister for taking our family picture |
So here I am again, I have just gotten over the last bout and am entering into a new one. When will it end? Soon I hope. There is a bright spot on the horizon. I have an appointment with a Dr. next week and hopefully after that it will get much better. I shouldn't have waited so long.
There is a point to this rambling, I swear. Last night I started noticing that I was filling into my depressive cycle and I just wanted to cry, and for more reasons then the depression, right? Here is what went through my mind. "I *just* got over the last one and now I have to face another 2-3 weeks? I don't know if I can handle it. My poor kids and husband, they get the worst of it." Work, the house, my family. It all suffers when I get like this. But I did not want it all to suffer, so I did something i have never done before. I prayed. Ok, I pray all the time, it's what I prayed for that I had never done. I told me Father in Heaven that I could feel the depression coming on and I needed his help. I did not want to be impatient or mean to my family, I did not want my work to suffer, or the house to go to pots. These are all good things to want, to be kind, still be able to function, and keep the house clean. So I told Him that I couldn't do it alone, but I knew that with His help I could do it! I needed Him to help me be strong.
This morning I woke up and my first thought was "Oh no!" I just didn't want to deal with it. But I have felt the Lord strengthening me and helping me. Last night my kids being silly, normal kids just drove me crazy and I wanted to scream and yell. This morning my youngest threw a tantrum over food, started hitting and screaming and I felt so calm. A calm that I knew was not my own. I was able to deal well. When I get depressed I just can't think. I walk into a room to make a phone call, pick up the phone (if I get that far( and then wonder what to do next. Everything is like that. I even need someone to tell me to eat or I just wont. I have also felt help with this. I can feel a lingering confusion over what I am doing, but it is being overpowered by determination to do what needs to be done. I have cleaned, cooked, worked, and played with my boys. I could feel the struggle, but not even the deepest depression is stronger the God!
I am so grateful for His help. I know I can make it through this with His help and that I will be stronger for it. I am grateful to know that God, my loving Father is here with me always, holding me, lifting me, and guiding me. I feel so much love from Him. With God, nothing is impossible.
