My story

I think I'm ready to share now.  I wanted to, over a week ago, but I wasn't ready.  I was still feeling to angry and bitter, without having any peace.  Now I feel at peace, I can share my story with gratitude.

I'm sorry that I still can't share all the details of what went wrong to get to this point, but I think I will some day.  I'm still tying up loose ends before I become an advocate.  For now, I hope this will give all of my dear friends enough information to understand why I have been struggling so much over the past two years and help you understand how much your prayers have meant to me, how much I appreciated when you reached out, and why I have been a reclusive, negligent friend.

My step-dad has dementia and I cared for him for two years because his kids would not.  He got to the point where he was violent and abusive, especially to my oldest, but I still tried my best to care for him, while also protecting my kids.  After a knee surgery my mom came to stay with me so I could help her through a long, difficult recovery.

I'm still not entirely sure why, but my step sister called Adult Protective Services (APS)  in October of 2024.  After a sham of an investigation, where we weren't even interviewed my mom and I were both sent a letter of support by APS.  Contrary to the sound of it,  a letter of support isn't very supportive, it means they found enough evidence to support the claims of abuse, in this case, A LOT of claims.  Since we weren't guilty, had a mountain of evidence to prove it, and the worker did a shameful job without interviewing us, but all the while ignoring evidence we supplied, we decided to take the support to the court of appeals.  That was in January of 2025.  While in the process of getting that all worked out I found out that the APS worker had succeeded in convincing my dad and his daughter to call the police and make a report.  Without the slightest amount of investigation, the police felt like there was sufficient evidence from his testimony, despite his testimony also stating he has dementia and 8 traumatic brain injuries, to send it directly to the district attorney for prosecution. in July of 2025 I learned that I was going to be charged on multiple counts of abuse, some of them being felonies.

What followed was the most hellish year of my life.  Drowning in anxiety over the possibility of 10 years in prison and missing seeing my kids grow up, fear over what it would mean for my family, for my mom who was also supported, and concern over my dad and my reputation, I had little mental bandwidth or energy for anything more than just surviving.  I experienced deep periods of depression, severe enough that I contemplated taking my life.  I couldn't go to jail if I was dead.  I often felt alone and betrayed.  I'm not sure I have ever felt anything so deep, dark, overwhelming, and frightening in my life.

But there were bright spots.  My best friends rallied to make sure I got out of the house without having to plan anything.  Sometimes they just showed up, knowing I would cancel if given the chance.  My wonderful John supported me every step of the way. My kids, full of compassion and love, have been so helpful and loving.  My ministering sister became my walking buddy and listened to my cry and complain more times that I can count.   My very best friend planned hikes and activities and walked with me every morning for therapy. And I have seen miracles!  Running into a friend at Costco when I really needed strength, blessings from the elders quorum and being wrapped, literally, in their love as they hugged us and cried with us.  I have felt your prayers and I have felt the power of the atonement!

Last week, June 30, 2026 all charges were dropped and the case was dismissed.  I am beyond frustrated that it took a year for the prosecutor to finally look at the evidence, but I am beyond grateful that she did take a good long, hard look and did a very thorough job digging. She also called the district attorney waiting to prosecute my mom and convinced him there was nothing there and not to waste his time.

Last week felt very surreal.  My life had been hell for a year and a half, could it really be over?  When would the other shoe drop?  I felt disappointed, I thought a trail would help me clear my name.  Dismissed isn't the same as found innocent.  I wanted to face my accusers. I wanted everyone to know that their false accusations were just that, false.  Not just lack of evidence, but completely false.  I had proof!  I thought a dismissal would make me feel like celebrating, but I felt like the justice system had failed me.  Innocent until proven guilty isn't a thing.  Sure, I wasn't dragged into a cell and beaten by secret police until I confessed, but those who made false accusation paid not a penny, while we paid tens of thousands of dollars to protect ourselves.  And in the meantime, I was looked at as if I was guilty.  Not allowed to work with children or the elderly, not allowed to have a gun, a protective order kept me from contacting or even speaking to my dad when I saw him.

But I did find peace.  I found peace, like I always do, communing with God outside.  This time, floating on a pond in a kayak.  Why was I feeling so frustrated and disappointed when my prayers had been answered?  Because it didn't go the way I expected it to.  Expectations can be an obstacle to happiness.  Let it go.

So I did.  And now I am ready to move on.  I am ready for the next growth opportunity.  After all, I've spent the last year and a half swimming against a strong current that tried to drown me and I lived!  I am so much stronger now that swimming in the middle of a peaceful pond feels blissfully easy.  Now I need to swim out and find those that are drowning in their own trials and throw them a life line, both the ones I was given and those I wish I had been given.

This isn't the end of my story.  It was a messy middle, but it's up to me to write the ending.  No.  It's up to God to write the ending, for He is the author and finisher of my story.

P.S. I love my dad.  I always will.  I'm not sure what the future hold for us.  In this life, it is not safe for my family to have him around, but who knows what the next life holds.  I worked hard to get permission to be sealed to him and I cherish that connection, while also not wanting it.  I trust God.  I'll let Him work it all out in the perfect way only He can do.

A dream come true

On November 21 Glen caught his hawk, she is a red tailed hawk and her name is Nike, named after the Greek Goddess of Victory.  Here is the story:

Because it is getting cold we have started going to Goshen canyon each week for our forest school.  On the way there we saw this beautiful juvenile red tailed hawk sitting on a stack of baled hay.  Two and a half hours later, on our way out she was still there.  We needed to stop and get gas, but when we got to the gas station my bank cards were gone.  We rushed back to our site in the canyon and searched everywhere for my cards, but we couldn't find them.  After praying I felt prompted to look in my wallet again and there they were!  As we got back into the car I noticed the weakness, exhaustion, and pain I had been having all morning from a fibromyalgia flare was gone.  I was frustrated that I had driven all the way back only to find my cards and asked why the Lord couldn't have had me look earlier, He said "Wait"

Glen said if that bird was still there he was going to try and catch it, and I felt God saying "This is why."  Abigail suggested we say a prayer and she asked that Heavenly Father help Glen to be stealthy enough to sneak up and catch the bird.  She was still there as we pulled around the bend in the road and she was facing away from the road.  I parked across the street and Glen took my jacket and climbed the fence.  The girls and I prayed the entire time.  Abigail prayed that he would get the bird and promised to stop eating sugar until Christmas if the Lord would help him.  I prayed and said "Please make him invisible, I know you can do it.  You did it for Jesus in the crowd, please do it for Glen."  Over and over, "Please please please, I know you can do this.  It means so much to him, he's worked so hard to get here, it will mean so much to him."  Every time I started to doubt I prayed even harder.

Meanwhile, Glen hopped over the fence and snuck up to the stack of hay.  Now and then the bird would look up and look around, but never at Glen, always at us or at cars passing on the road.  Glen was struggling to climb the hay, it was sharp and there wasn't really anywhere to hold onto.  At one point he squatted down and stayed there.  He told me he was ready to give up, but instead he prayed.  He felt doubt, "There's no way this is going to work, it's going to fly away."  But he said He felt Heavenly Father asking him to have faith in Him.  So he prayed to know what to do and felt the Lord guide him to throw my jacket up onto the little ledge below the bird and jump for it.  I thought for sure, throwing the jacket would scare the bird away, but she didn't even notice.  Glen kept looking at me to make sure she was still there, giving me a thumbs up to ask and getting a big thumbs up to answer.  After he jumped for the ledge and gotten his footing, he asked again, she still hadn't noticed, but Glen didn't believe that all the noise hadn't bumped her, so he took a peek and sure enough, there she was.  He reached up and grabbed her, she footed him a tiny bit before he got full control of her and wrapped my jacket around her.  I ran out to help him at that point, I couldn't help jumping and yelling, doing a happy dance and squealing!  I helped Glen down from the hay and we went back to the car where it was hard to be quiet so we didn't overwhelm his bird.  We were all so happy we kept spontaneously giggling, yelling, and squealing and then reminding each other to be quiet.

I think I said the most heartfelt prayer of gratitude I have ever said.  Tears literally dripped down my face the entire time.  My heart was overflowing right out of my eyes! 

Glen named her Nike and she is beautiful!  She is the most beautiful bird I have ever seen.  She is in great health, very strong, well fed, and she already likes Glen.  The first person he called was his falconry mentor.  We didn't tell John what had happened, Glen wanted to tell him in person so we called ahead and asked John to get everyone who was home outside in the garage so they could meet Nike when we got home. Then Glen and John rushed up to Craig's house to get anklets and jesses put on, to weigh and examine Nike, and to hold her properly for the first time.  Glen is headed back to the hay as I type this us, so he can retrieve whatever she was eating yesterday.  Hopefully there is enough there to feed her for a day or two until he can get her something else.  The next steps are to man her, which means to get her used to him, and to make her eat out of his hand.  She doesn't eat until she eats from his hand.  Once that has been accomplished he will start training her to respond to his call, and hunt when she hears it.  Then he can take her out and hunt with her.  He thinks it will take no more than a few days to man and feed her because she already seems to like him, but the rest of the training will take a few months at least.

Glen has wanted to be a falconer since he was 6 years old, this is a dream come true for him.

You are enough

 Last week I had a wonderful spiritual experience. I was worried, yet again, that I was not doing well enough teaching my children.  I was worried they weren't earning enough, they weren't moving fast enough, they didn't dig deep enough, their handwriting, spelling...you get the picture.  I feel inadequate so often, and when it just concerns me I can usually ignore it, but what if I'm totally messing up my kids!?  I was really stressing out about it so I knelt down to say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father what more I should be doing to prepare them well for their role as husband and father, and to fulfill their mission on Earth.  Instead of a laundry list of all the subjects I need to teach and all the areas I need to improve I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of peace!  Even before I finished asking my question I felt wrapped in His loving embrace.  Through a mixture of feelings, images, and something I can't quite describe I got this message.

Joseph Smith was considered uneducated, he only had a few years of formal schooling, yet he went on to change the world.  He continued his own education and even started a school, called the school of the prophets, where they learned politics, world events, science, languages, history, geography, and so many other things alongside scriptural learning and learning more about the priesthood.  

The Lord told me that Joseph's most important education was given to him by his mother, who taught him to love God and to follow Him.  He told me that the most important

 education I can give my kids is to know God.  If they know God all else will fall into place. I am doing everything I need to to do prepare them to fulfill their mission in life and to prepare them to lead, support, and protect their future families. They will continue learning all their life.

    I was so overcome with peace I was moved to tears.  I have never in my life felt so powerfully the Lord's love and acceptance of me.  Writing it all down does not, cannot, do justice to this powerful sacred experience. I hesitated to share it at first, but I know I am not the only one who feels inadequate and I'm not the only one who feels like I am not doing well enough homeschooling my kids.  I pray that my experience can help to bring peace to someone else who needs to feel peace.

I'm choosing faith over fear

 

I've had something on my mind for months.  It's deep and this is the place for my deep thoughts.  I'm not quite sure where to begin...  I guess the beginning would be about 9 years ago.

I took my kids to get a flu shot, Glen was 4 and Benjamin was 3, I was pregnant at the time.  By the time we got home from the clinic Benjamin was screaming, "He must be tired, it's nap time."  I got him out of the car and he wouldn't walk.  He wouldn't even put pressure on his legs so I carried him inside.  When we got in I checked his leg and it was swollen, red, hot, and so very sore.  We rushed back to the Dr.  When I told them what was going on this was the response "Oh, he's allergic to eggs?  Ok, that can happen."  Wait, there's eggs in a flu shot?  I looked up what else in in the flu shot.  Cow protein, another allergy, milk protein, another HUGE allergy, the list went on, each ingredient more horrifying then the next.  He was allergic to so many of them and some were just plain poison!  Why was there mercury in it!?  Long story short, I stopped getting the flu shot for anyone in my family.  I never wanted that to happen again.  The more I researched the more convinced I was that vaccines were not safe, so we stopped getting them all together.  Years later I found out that I have a family history of adverse reactions, some genetic marker, that makes them more dangerous for us then for most people.  Definitely not getting any more vaccines.

And then March 2020.  Covid.  Everything shut down.  People were afraid to leave their houses.  Two people in my family have respiratory issues, that makes it even scarier for us so we were careful, but I refuse to live in a bubble.  When the vaccine was announced I had no intention of getting it.  It's a vaccine and they are dangerous for my family. "But this one is different."  It doesn't matter.  I'm not doing it. I didn't even entertain the thought...until the Prophet asked us to get vaccinated and wear a mask.  It's been on my mind for months.  Now that everyone in my family can get one...I'm not sure I can put into words the internal struggle I have had.  The inner turmoil of this decision, it's been one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make.  The fear, what if...We've all heard the stories.  "It will make you sterile."  "Think of the people that died."  "It protects you the first time you get sick, but the second time you will die."  "The government is trying to figure out who they can control, this is a test to see who will obey so they know who will die when they make a more deadly virus and release it."  Maybe you haven't heard all that, but I have.  The truth is that even if non of that is true, this is still so new, there could be so many unintended consequences.  Am I willing to risk my family for an experiment?  I have spent months and months pouring my heart and my fears out to God, asking for direction.  That's what the prophet asked, he said to council with your doctor and pray about it.  So I did.  Again and again.  But when it really came down to it I had to make the choice.  Faith or fear?

I know God loves me, He KNOWS ME, down to every strand of DNA.  He knows me now and he knows future me. I know that the prophet speaks the word of God. I don't believe for a minute that he asked us to vaccinate and mask up because he's listening to the government.  I don't believe for a fraction of a second that he is part of the new world order.  I don't believe God would ask his children, through his prophet, to get vaccinated if it would hurt, sterilize, or kill us.  I don't believe he would ask us to wear masks if they hurt us or didn't work.  But he is.  The prophet of God is asking us to get vaccinated against covid, he is asking us to wear masks. No it's not a commandment.  He didn't say "Thus saith God, ye must repent and also get vaccinated and wear a mask."  You can call it a suggestion, but a suggestion from God?  I'll follow that.
I choose to have faith. I choose to ignore my fears.  I choose to listen to the prophet of God over the voice of the world and the voice of facebook.  I will listen to the prophet over my own thoughts and ideas because "personal revelation" doesn't always come from the right source.  I've been led astray, following what I thought was personal revelation, only to find out it was the wrong voice I listened to.  Sometimes it's hard to hear what God is saying because I've already decided what I want Him to say.  But I know the prophet will never lead me astray.  I know I can trust him.  I know I can trust God and he speaks the words of God.

I have surrendered my will to God. It's not a failure, it's a victory!  A glorious victory!

I believe in Santa

 

I don't believe in the Easter bunny.  I don't believe in the Tooth Fairy.  I don't believe in witches at Halloween or Leprachauns on St. Patrick's day.  But I believe in Santa.  I will believe in Santa until the day I die.

You see, when I was little I met him.  It was back when I was sarting to question whether or not Santa was real, back when we didn't have a whole lot of money and there were often rumors that there would be no Christmas that year.  I didn't understand.  Why did it matter how much money we had? Didn't Santa bring toys to good girls and boys?

Every year there were gifts though.  Every year there was food, food we didn't usually have, food Santa brought.  Then I met him.  I remember exactly what he looked like. His long snowy beard.  His cheerful smile.  Levi's and cowboy boots.  He said the red suit was just for Christmas eve. 

 Ten years later I was away from home at school.  I had been working and saving all year to earn enough money to buy some really nice Christmas presents for my family.  I was so excited!  I could just see the looks on their faces as they opened nice, expensive gifts.  Then one day my mom called and told me about a family who's house had burned down.  They didn't have anything, they were staying with family.  She wanted to buy them something.  All of a sudden my Christmas plans changed.  I told her I had saved all year to buy gifts for the family, I had saved hundreds of dollars and I wanted to use it for this family.  We bought them all toys, clothes, and a box of food.  We wrapped everything to deliver Christams Eve. That night we snuck up to the house they were staying in, put the boxes in their driveway and hurried away to a secret hiding place to watch.  I watched a boy open the door and look around, spot the boxes and call his family.  I watched the kids jump up and down with joy and excitement.  I watched the parents hug each other with relief.  I had become Santa.

Years later when we lived in Indiana we went to the temple monthly.  It was a big sacrifice for us, living paycheck to paycheck as we did.  That month John said we wouldn't be able to buy groceries that week if we went to the temple.  We decided to go anyway.  The morning we were to leave we found a box of food and wrapped Christmas gifts on the porch.  Santa had paid us a visit.

We don't make a big halabaloo about Santa around here, because that isn't how Santa works.  In the stories he comes in the night, when everyone is asleep.  Santa works anonymously.  Secerts acts of service.  Gifts left on the porch.  Boxes of food.  A Christmas Jar with money inside. Santa is real because I am Santa.  You are Santa.  I will believe in Santa until the day I die.  I will be Santa until the day I die.

Faith Not to be Healed

 When I first read Elder Bednar's talk "Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing" I thought about myself.  I've had faith to be healed, but did I have faith not to be healed.  Could I go thorugh my life with the physical and mental difficulties I have without being healed and still have faith?  Fast forward quite a few years to this week and a new prayer for healing.

I found out last week one of my best friend had Covid-19.  I dropped off groceries Saturday and stood at the end of her driveway to chat for a few minutes.  I wasn't worried.  Until the next day.  I found out she was in the hospital and then I worried.  As she got worse I worried more.  No, worried isn't the right word.  I was scared, REALLY scared.  We fasted for her and we prayed for her.  As the days wore on and she got worse and worse my prayers became ever more fervent.  But they were not prayes of faith, they were desprate "You have to heal her.  You can't take my best friend.  What will I do without her?  You have to heal her!"  It came to the point where I kind of felt like my faith was being tested and I had to ask myself where my faith was centered.  Was my faith centered in healing or in Christ? Did I really trust God, or did I only trust Him when life was going well?  Would I still trust Him if... 

I really examined myself.  I was so full of fear and anxiety over the future and I wasn't feeling any peace when I prayed.  That scared me.  So I asked myself, "Do you trust the Lord no matter the outcome?"  I realized that I did.  Since then I have felt more peace.  My prayers have been less frantic and more meaningful.  I'm happy to report that my friend is improving.  I'm grateful for that, and I'm grateful for the peace I feel when I put my trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

Agency

     Agency. Agency is such a fundamental part of the Lord's plan for us that he cast Satan and his followers from heaven for trying to destroy our agency. Can you imagine the heartache that it must have caused our Father to cast 1/3 of his children from his presence, knowing that  they would never reach their full potential? They wouldn't receive bodies, they wouldn't have the opportunity to come to Earth, and they would never reach eternal life or exaltation because they chose to follow Satan. 

     Agency is such a fundamental part of the plan and of our very being that we rebel at being forced to do anything. Children and adults alike.

     I have wanted for many years to do natural learning, we started our homeschool that way but got away from it because of fear. I was afraid that if I didn't tell them what to learn and when to learn and how to learn that they wouldn't learn. I forgot about agency. I forgot about the Lord's divine plan for just a moment. When I decided to go back to Natural learning it scared me. It scared me because I knew that some of them hated math, it scared me because I knew that some of them hated reading, it scared me because I envisioned it this way; as soon as I stopped telling them what and when to learn they would stop altogether. Learning would completely end. But this is what really happened. When I stopped telling them that they had to read, they kept reading. They found books that they loved and topics that they were passionate about and they wanted to read. I stopped having science on the schedule and Glen checked out 20 books about birds and threw himself into researching Raptors and how to identify them and what they eat and where they live and what their environment is. He even spent his vacation spending money on a bird book. I stopped forcing them to do math everyday and instead they asked me if they could do math. Benjamin decided he was going to memorize all of his math facts on his own.  They don't always learn the things that I want them to learn or that I think they should learn, but every day they have something they want to do, something they want to learn and research and work on. 

     I have seen the same process at work in chores. I have tried countless ways of trying to get my kids to do chores. We tried various charts, and we've tried reward systems, and we've tried consequences, we've tried no dinner until your chores are done and no friends until your chores are done and so many other things I can't even count them and nothing worked for very long. But when I sat down with them and I said "we need to find a solution to the housework problem, what can we do?" They came up with ideas, their ideas, not mine! And they are so willing to fulfill their responsibilities because it was their idea, it was their desire and not mine. When they grew frustrated with the amount of housework that they took on I asked them if they wanted to trade and they said no they prefer their way, they prefer their ideas. And I didn't step in, I've learned to get out of their way and let them make choices. And what I've seen is that when I give them assignments, when I tell them what to do, they don't want to do it, but when I say "here's what we need to do today how should we work this out?" they divide jobs amongst themselves on their own and they do it. Even my grumpiest child, the one who is the hardest to get to do anything is the most willing to do it, my most distracted child  gets done the quickest and with  more focus. The younger girls are learning to follow the lead of their brothers and to work together as a team.  The housework is not done perfectly, but I gets done well. They don't vacuum every time, or follow my checklist, but they really do a very good job. 

     During the training for the new youth program for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I was struck again and again how much like natural learning it is. Instead of the youth being told what they should read and what they should study and what goals they should make they are given the choice. They are asked to pray and to seek personal revelation so that they will know what goals they can make to become more like the savior. I know that this will help them draw closer to Heavenly Father. I know that this will teach them to recognize the spirit in their life and to recognize personal revelation. I know that my children will be more willing to do it because they are doing it on their own. They will be following their passions and their talents and seeking the Lord in their way instead of in my way.  

      It struck me in the training session when the prophet said "Resist the urge to take control, they will do better when they do it on their own." It struck me because I've seen that and it felt like he was talking to me, telling me again to stop taking control, to step back and let them lead.  Agency is a beautiful thing.  When we can step back and resist the urge to take control we will see that children take control of their own lives and they make a good show of it!

Heaven not Harvard

     As always, thoughts of school have been running through my head.  I think I've grown used to being questioned.  Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living" No one could question me more then I question myself.  No one could doubt me more then I doubt myself. No one could worry about the future of my children more then I worry about it. But I have learned the art of introspection.  I have learned to look inside myself and tell the difference between anxiety and a prompting, I have learned to find peace.  And sometimes the Lord sends a message so clear it rings in my mind ever after, it rings with truth. You see, he knows me, he knows my family and he knows what we need.  
     All I needed was a little affirmation that natural learning is good for us.  More then anything, natural learning scares me.  I've been taught my whole life that learning takes place sitting at a desk, listening to a teacher.  We learn because we are told what and how to learn.  When I had kids I saw them learning naturally.  They wanted to learn, they hungered for knowledge.  From unending questions to experiencing life, they WANTED to learn.  When I think about my own years in school I realize I remember very little of what I learned from my textbooks or teachers.  What I really remember are the things I learned on my own.  When I decided to use my free period to learn about Greek Mythology.  Books I read about the Holocaust.  The school lessons that really stick out are the ones that were activities that connected me to the lesson, like the time the teacher announced that tomorrow we would be leaving our homes to board trains headed to concentration camps and we had to go home and pack only what we could carry in a small bag to take with us.  I remember so clearly thinking about what I should take.  What was most important to me as a Jew being driven from my home.  What would happen when I got there?  I remember taking a  Star of David to represent my faith, a set of scriptures, a little food and water, a change of clothes.  I remember grabbing some of my prized possessions (though I have forgotten what they are) and deciding to leave them behind. I figured they would be taken from me anyway and I hoped to return.  You see, I got so into it.  I don't think I will ever forget that lesson.
     Now I see the same with my kids.  Glen read a book about Greek Mythology and got so interested he spent weeks researching Hercules, the different gods and stories, and reading everything he could get his hands on or watching videos.  That lead him to learn about how Greek mythology changed with the Romans, which lead to learning about Rome and Roman soldiers.  Those are lessons he will remember because they were born out of passion.  Learning come if we let it so I've stopped focusing so much on academics.  I'm preparing my kids for Heaven not Harvard.  Right now they need to learn the skills that will help them be a successful person. How to be kind, solve problems, work hard, help others, introspection, observance, communication, teamwork.  Everything else will come in time as they are interested or find the need.  My job right now is to prepare them to meet those challenges on their own.

Rhythm

By the end of the day I will know how to spell rhythm, it's kind a of a weird word.

        It was a rough winter.  We all get sick a lot, which is really abnormal for us.  About a month ago I got sick again.  I don't know what it was, but it made my head hurt so bad I could hardly see, I was really knocked down.  It took me a week after that to recover, every time I did so much as get up to get a drink my head started hurting all over again. I was seriously starting to think I would never get better, but I did.  And then depression and anxiety reared it's ugly head.  I just couldn't catch a break and I was very stressed and overwhelmed.  We had just taken a week break from school when I got sick and had to kind of take another break.  One week turned into three and I still felt like I couldn't keep my head above water.  I finally felt like I just needed to get back to our daily routine. 
        The difference was amazing!  The constant battle over everything from chores to bedtime disappeared.  Even when I had a hard day it was easier because I knew what to expect and so did the kids.  I never wanted a schedule, I never wanted to be tied down to a specific set of events each day.  I wanted to be free and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to.  I see now that a rhythm and routine are so necessary for us.  We thrive when we have a routine. 
        It makes it very clear to me that true freedom does not come from lack of responsibilities or commitments, true freedom comes from knowing what those responsibilities and commitments are so they can be filled.  Keeping the commandments of God does not take away our freedom, it shows us clearly what path we need to walk to have freedom and to thrive in this life.  I'm not lost or confused, I'm also not following blindly.  I WANT to walk this path, I WANT to keep the commandments because I like knowing what to expect, I like feeling safe and I like knowing what I need to do each day.  I find joy in the rhythm of the gospel and the rhythm of my life.

Joseph

Yesterday I was reading an article about Mary, the mother of Jesus.  It was a really fantastic article in the January 2018 Ensign and perfect for Christmas Eve.  It talked about how faithful she was, chosen to be the mother of the Son of God.  Choice above all other women.  Millions revere her.  Then I got to thinking about Joseph. He is an unsung hero in my eyes.  I think we do him, and ourselves a disservice when he is left out of the conversation.  We know Joseph was a righteous man. The scriptures say he was going to put Mary away privately, so he was compassionate.  Then the angel came and he married her instead. When Herod sent soldiers to kill all of the babies Joseph knew and fled to Egypt.  The angel came to him instead of Mary, that speaks of his sensitivity to the spirit and his willingness to obey.  I think Joseph was choice above men to be called as the Father of the son of God.  Sometimes people like to make the distinction very clear, he was not the Father, he was the step father.  Maybe it's the influence of growing up without a dad in my home, but I see Joseph as the father of Jesus as much as Mary is His mother.  I think Jesus saw Joseph as his father.
     Joseph must have taught him.  He taught Jesus to work with his hands, to be compassionate, to pray.  Joseph taught Jesus, by his example, how to be a good man and care for others.  I wish there were more in the scriptures about Joseph.  I don't wonder if he was a disciple, I believe he was, I know he was!  Did he live to see the great atoning sacrifice of our Savior?  Did a sword pierce his soul at the death of his son?  Or did he wait on the other side to see him again?
   

To my daughter

   
      My dearest daughter,
     You are beautiful.  You are strong.  You can be both at the same time.  I hope you never let anyone convince you that you have to stop wearing skirts and dancing to be strong.  There is strength in your femininity.  There is strength in your service and love.  There is strength in your sweet, kind heart.  You do not have to be tough to be strong.  You do not have to be harsh to be strong.  You can love ruffles and flowers and be strong.  You can love fire trucks and climbing trees and be strong. You can be you and love all of those things and  be strong.  You can love God and be strong.  There is more strength in knowing who you are and being that person, then there is in conforming to the ideas of another.  Your greatest strength will come from knowing that you are a child of God, a divine creation with limitless potential.  So go ahead and wear a dress every day.  Let pink be your favorite color. Keep loving fire trucks and science and math and singing and dancing all at the same time.  Keep being the amazing daughter of God that you were created to be.  Be you.  Be strong.  And remember, when you are weak, He will carry you and make your weakness become strengths.

Judge not

Simone Biles, Olympic gold medal winning gymnast. Misty Copeland, first female African American Principle Dancer at the American Ballet Theater.  Ryan Gosling, actor. Bethany Hamilton, world renown surfer, you know, the one who's arm was bitten off and she kept surfing. Christopher Paolini, youngest author to write a bestselling series. Emma Watson, actress.  Taylor Swift, country singer. Richard Lorenzo, founder and CEO of multi-million dollar business Fifth Avenue Brands, a public relations firm. (Which he started in 10th grade)  What do they all have in common?  They were all home schooled. So the next time you want to judge an entire community by that one person you knew pick one of these.  Also, keep in mind that some kids are home schooled because they have special needs and their parents stepped up to take their education into their own hands.  Maybe that guy you met who has no boundaries and doesn't get social cues is like that because he has special needs you don't know about and it has nothing to do with his way of being educated.

Unschooling

     Unschooling. Deep breath.Will I always have to defend it?  Will I always have to explain to people that I'm not just being lazy and negligent?  Do you know what it is?  It seems like most people know about it because of the families who give it a bad name.  The kids who only study video games and TV.  No that's not unschooling, no I don;t just toss my kids a crust of bread each morning and hope they survive the day.  Unschooling is away of life, a really beautiful way of life for us.
     Let me start off by saying that we do have a schedule, it is what works for us.  Our "core subjects" come first; spiritual devotional (Scripture study, prayer, pledge of allegiance, and song), Math, foreign language, and piano.  Those are our core subjects because that is what prayer inspired they be for my children.  Some days Devotional is the only "formal" subject we do.  After that they have a few other subjects they do, actually, if I am honest they do far more then a few.  One day I sat down and counted up the "subjects" we do each week because I was comparing my kids to other kids.  It turns out the list of regular subjects studied each week exceeded a dozen.  Most of the them were not formal sit down lessons, there were no books, no curriculum and yet we learned still.  But how?  Let me give you a few examples.
     Benjamin loves circuits and electricity.  I bought him a circuit maze set and he sat right down. I could see him analyzing it, the flow of current, closing the circuit, positive, negative, LED, and off he went.  I tired to do one of the puzzles, but I couldn't figure it out so he taught me...and by taught I mean he showed me how to do it. :) 
     Glen hates to write, but has discovered that he loves to write books.  You see I could force him to sit and do writing practice for a torturous 15 minutes, or I could buy him a notebook and encourage him to write down his ideas.  And now he sits, sometimes for hours, writing books.
     Elizabeth is learning to read and spell.  We have a book she practices out of, but I don't force. It's on the schedule and if I forget she reminds me.   Then she likes to practice writing the words she is learning to read, which of course reinforces the words in her mind.  Today her "spelling test" involved shaving cream. 
     Abigail is practicing writing her name so she can show it off to her friend at church.  She also counts EVERYTHING.
     We have learned about physics at the park, nature as we walk, politics, finances, building, far away places, cooking, the list if endless.  Learning really is a way of life.  When people ask me if we go through the summer I think they envision sitting at a desk every day.  It's easy to go to school every day when you see that we are surrounded by opportunities to learn.  Sometimes sitting in church becomes an art lesson as a bored child asks for a piece of paper and draws what he sees.  Sometimes a trip tot he park becomes a lesson on seeds or bugs as curious children ask questions.  Every week when we go grocery shopping we learn about measuring weight, estimating price, sticking to a budget, how the food got there.  November isn't just about Thanksgiving around here, it's a lesson about the government, voting, politics, laws, check and balances.  April is a great times to talk about taxes, what is it, where does it go, do you think it's good or bad. Books teach so many lessons I cannot even begin to list it all.
   You see, unschooling is about finding opportunities to learn from every experience in life.  It's about seeing the interests of the child and encouraging them, proving opportunities to learn, and often, finding someone to mentor them.  They know what they love, they have an intense desire to learn! 

Lego creativity

     Do you ever feel completely clueless?  I do sometimes, maybe a lot.  Sometimes I even feel stupid, ssh, don't tell my kids I used that word, it's not allowed.  I'm trying to have a growth mindset, but sometimes I just feel like my brain is broken.  The other day we were sitting listening to Treasure Island on audio book.  Benjamin doesn't enjoy reading as much as the rest of us and sometimes he puts up a fight over it.  To encourage him to listen to Treasure Island with us I brought out Legos and asked him if he wanted to build a pirate ship.  That got him to sit and listen to not just one chapter, but three chapters, he didn't want to stop.  Legos is one of the areas that I feel like I am seriously lacking in skills. You may think it silly, but I am very ashamed that I have never felt like I was good at Legos.  I remember building with my brother and he is over there making cars and ships and I'm like "I built a brick wall!"  I don't let my kids quite, I don't let them say they aren't good at something and leave it there, I encourage them and I challenge them.  The last year I have also been really trying to educate myself too, so I applied the same rule.  I asked Benjamin the other night as we sat building pirate ships and I felt my mind go blank "Do you think I would be more skilled if I practiced?" and he said "yes."  Today when the boys were building with Legos I sat down and I started building too.  Almost immediately I felt that familiar sensation of my mind shutting down because I didn't know what to do, why do I do that?  I held two Lego pieces and I didn't even know how to put them together.  Then I remembered that little round piece that goes on the bottom and I grabbed it, but that made my boat round and I wanted it long.  I grabbed a few more pieces, quickly discarding the idea of having a boat all the same color.  Then I started building up the sides, I made a few changes to make it look like a railing.  I added a cannon and a couple of guns.  I wanted a figurehead, but that was far beyond what I could do so I just closed that end up.  Benjamin made me a little pirate man and all I needed was a mast.  I figured out how to make two short pieces longer for my mast and even found a flag. At one point I asked Benjamin to help me, he was my mentor.  I still feel childish and stupid, but I also feel insanely proud of my little pirate ship.
     There are a lot of areas that I feel totally lost in, math, chemistry, electricity, music, just about anything involving computers.  My brain starts to shut down, just like when someone starts giving me directions. I nob like I understand, but I'm really just trying to figure out what language they are speaking.  But you know what?  One of the most beautiful truths I have learned on this homeschooling journey is that our education never ends.  It didn't end when I finished high school or even after college, I am always learning.  I'm pushing myself, finding areas where I am lacking, like Legos, art, and math, and trying so hard to learn and do them better.  I find myself learning as I teach my kids, and I find myself being taught by them.  Benjamin teaches me how to build with Legos and how electricity works, Glen is teaching me the finer points of writing comics and he has a million facts about animals to share.  I know that Heavenly Father wants us to learn all that

we can and I am grateful for the opportunity to teach and learn every day!

Exciting surprises

I don't think I have ever been so excited for my birthday!  Each year I kind of dread it, I even feel anxious about it, but this year there have been surprises in the works for weeks.  First John disappeared into the shed, banning me from looking.  One by one the kids disappeared, even Abigail went to help.  They would return day after day with twinkling eyes and barely suppressed grins.  "You are going to love it, I have no idea what it is, but it's awesome!"  Then the boys disappeared all on their own and spent a few days working on some secret that I'm not allowed to know about.  Finally Elizabeth begins her own project, with Daddy's help.  There is much hammering and painting, many whispers and giggles.  My family was here over the weekend and my nephew helped finish up the super secret surprise and John proudly took my mom, dad, and sister out to show them what they had created.  Somehow my mother in law is in on it also, whatever "it" is.  I called to say hi yesterday and she asked to talk to John about something I wasn't allowed to hear. Were they talking in code?  I even had a friend from down the street call today and ask if my kids could come down for a few hours to work on something for me.  I feel so loved.  All of the happiness from my kids, their excitement and barely contained secrets are making me more excited then I have ever been for my birthday.  Tomorrow promises to be a wonderful day.  Now, if I can just remember how old I am...

A name!

     Today is a big day.  It's momentous, monumental!  After years of searching and praying I have finally found the right name for our school.  It's huge!  No one is going to get as excited about this as I am, that's ok, not everyone is moved to tears by the sight of purple bush beans.  I'm special.  I can't tell you how much this means to me, but I am going to try.

     I live life joyfully, it is part of my purpose.  Purpose, there it is, that wonderful word.  I live my life with purpose.  I do everything 100%  it's who I choose to be.  I didn't plan to home school, but once I felt it was right I threw everything I had into it.  I wanted our school, our home, our family, to have a purpose.  I wanted that purpose wrapped up into a nice little name.  Something that could convey how passionate I am about learning and teaching, our values as a family, and our hopes for the future.  Nothing seemed right, every name I could think of fell short.  I mean how could I fit all of the passion burning inside of me into one little name?  Could it even be done?  I began to give up, just a little. Four years is such a long time to search and hope, but I never gave up completely.  It was there, in the back of my mind, this ever present need to find a name.

     This year I began to read the biography of  Maria Von Trapp and the Trapp family singers.  She too felt the importance of names and they named their home in Vermont.  They named it "Cor Unum"  It is Latin and it means something like one heart, it was the closest she could find to Zion.  That name stuck with me.  It wasn't quiet right, but I was getting there.  I was discovering something important and my search continued.  Still, for months "Cor Unum" sat heavy on my mind with no more progress.  Then last night it came to me, almost like a dream.  Aeternum.  Forever.

   I believe that our quest for knowledge is eternal.  We seek to become like God, an all-knowing being.  That denotes a lot of study and knowledge.  I continually work to create within the walls of my home a place of refuge, a Zion from the storm.  "Cor Unum Aeternum"  Zion Eternal.  It encompasses all that I strive for.  Unity, love, life long learning, and values that I cannot even put into words.  

     Once the name came to me so did the symbols.  

     Sublime knowledge.  Sublimate means to raise to a place of honor, I honor learning and study.  The sun raising above the book reminds me to use each day to learn and to grow, it reminds me that the Son approves of my school, my work, and our learning and growth.

     The Celtic spiral.  This one has three, but I want 6.  Six spirals connected. They symbolize man's journey of growth and wisdom in this life and into the next.  I believe that whatever intelligence we gain in this life will go with us into the next. Doctrine and Covenants 130:18 The spirals are connected, as a family we are connected. Our journey in this life and in the next is connected inseparably.

I am so happy to have finally found a name for our school.  

Cor Unum Aeternum.  

It sounds cool too!

Too busy

     Sometimes being busy is unavailable.  Taking your sweet time getting peaches taken care of means peaches with extra fuzz, if you know what I mean.   Having boys who are passionate about soccer makes for late nights.   There will always be holidays, parties, special occasions and a life full of living to do.  I don't mind being busy, but I also don't mind slowing down.  

     Today I had the opportunity to make cookies for a friend who just got back from a long trip.  She is Elizabeth's Sunday school teacher and Elizabeth just adores her.  I came back from a Knights club meeting and grocery shopping to a house that was a mess and I immediately felt overwhelmed.  I really wanted to put off making cookies for another day, but I had made promises and I keep my word.  After I pout away the groceries I washed a few dishes so we could make cookies.       

     Unfortunately it wasn't the relaxing memory making activity I wanted it to be, not inwardly anyway.  I think the girls had a good time, but I was stressed, especially when Abigail tilted the beater and splattered cookie dough all over the counter.  I can laugh at it now, but it was one more thing at the time.  While the cookies baked I banished the kids to the basement and tried to nap in between the 12 minute cook times.  

     When the cookies were done we took three plates to friends.  Sometimes I feel so selfish serving, I get so much out of it.  It's more then just a good feeling knowing it made someone happy.  I love to see the way that my kids faces light up as they talk about how happy this person will be.  I love the indecision.  Whenever I feel like I don't have any friends I need to make a batch of cookies or banana bread because I always have a hard time choosing who to take it to.  

     Today was an altogether wonderful experience.    We stayed to talk with Elizabeth's Sunday school teacher.  As we sat there talking I saw my life from a different perspective.  She reminded me to be grateful for what I have.  I am so blessed!  I have four beautiful, wonderful, sweet children who fill my days with joy and life.  I have the opportunity each day to stay home with them and to have them home with me for school.  That means I get to be a part of the joy and magic they find in little moments.  I wish there were glasses to help you see the world the way a child does.  Simple things bring such joy!  I think of tea parties, bubbles, dry ice, games, imaginative play, trampolines, leaves, flowers, new shoes, kittens.  I feel like I should start singing "My favorite things"

     I am grateful to take a few minutes...or an hour, with her to sit and feel grateful.  I'm still stressed over the house work to be done tomorrow and exhausted from last weeks canning marathon, but I feel like I can handle it.  A weight has been lifted from my mind  and I can tackle another day with renewed joy in motherhood.  Thank you, my friend!  Thank you for blessing my life.

It consumes me!

Can you guess what has consumed my life for the last few weeks?  Cucumbers, peppers, peaches, pears, tomatoes, strawberries, zucchini, squash, jelly, jam, freeze drying, canning.  That's been my life.

I have a love-hate relationship with preserving food.  I love having it in storage, I love knowing where my food comes from, I love the fresh taste of peaches all year long.  I love peaches.  I hate the hours and hours it takes, how my back and feet ache, how I disappear into the kitchen and feel like I'm chained to the sink.  But I do it every year.  It's a few stressful weeks and it is hard, but it's so nice to walk down to my storage room and see jars and jars of pickles, pears, peaches, jams and jellies.  I even tried a few new things this year.  I have never done pickles or relish, but I now have 10 jars of pickles and 3 jars of relish.  I also learned that peaches that are not ripe do not peel easily.  I can't wait to make spaghetti sauce in my crock pot, I got that tip last year after my most patient attempts still resulted in runny, slightly burned sauce.

So yeah, if you've been wondering where I have been this month, just check my kitchen.  My kids will tell you I never leave.

Gifts of the heart

   Before I get started I wanted to tell you about the storm last night. There was the most amazing storm last night! I was woken up about midnight,  I'd been dreaming about thunder and lightening, when a knock on my door brought in Glen.  Abigail was crying and he brought her up to me.  After helping her I just sat on the couch and enjoyed the thunder and lightening for awhile.  There was so much lightening it was like a strobe lights, some flashes were so bright they lit up the whole room. The thunder was loud and long and a few of them felt like they shook the house.  We had storms like that all the time in Indiana and I have missed them so much here.  It lasted a good half hour and even after laying in bed I just stayed awake enjoying it.  What a gift.
Gifts.  Gifts have been on my thoughts a lot lately.  These flowers were a gift from a sweet little girl who think they are the greatest treasure in the world.  Abigail is very tender hearted and loves to show love for others by giving them gifts of dandelions, pine cones, her last candy, or a bite of her food.  When she gives me a handful of dandelions I know that she is giving me the best of what she has and she gives them with so much love.  They become treasures to me because of the love with which they are given.
     Abigail also loves to take flowers to other people.  Every day she asks to take flowers to one neighbor or another.  You might think I should discourage her from giving dandelions and pine cones to the lady down the street, but I never do.  She will meet with enough discouragement in life and develop inhibitions soon enough, I won't have any part in it.  The neighbors accept her little gifts with as much gratitude and love as I do.  I love that so much. 
     When do we start to think that what we have to give aren't good enough?  When do little flowers stop being good enough. Why does the time we have to give to listen or help become too little.  Why does a gift given have to be big and grand or cost a lot of money.  As adults we try to teach our kids that gifts can be small and inexpensive, that it's the thought that counts, but we don;t seem to believe that ourselves.   Do we still make home made gifts?  Do we still think "Oh they will love it because I made it" Maybe you do, but I have this idea so strongly in my head that it has to be big and expensive and amazing or they won't appreciate it.  I still cringe a little thinking of the picture I drew for a friends wedding shower.  It wasn't  a childish doodle, it was good, some of my best work, but still I thought it wasn't good enough.  Even after she told me how much she loved it part of me didn't believe her.  I should have bought something.
     Even though I have a hard time believing it, I hope I can teach my kids that what they have to give is good enough. After all, even the widows mites were accepted of the Lord.

Enduring

     It's one of those days.  One of the hard ones.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  I have worked hard to develop an optimistic outlook in life.  Maybe it's because I hate being sad, or maybe it's because I feel like I can't function as well when I am feeling down.  Sometimes I really struggle with depression, winter is really tough.  Sometimes I have a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not winter.  The sun is shining and life is exciting.  Not really, I'm just trying to be optimistic.  :D
      I had a horrible nightmare about hornets flying into my dress and stinging me on the back.  Last week I was stung 5 times in one day when a hornet got into my hair and again a week later when it flew into my scarf  before my husband took out the nest of yellow jackets near my garden.  I've developed a bit of a phobia now.  I kind of freak out when anything near me flies, especially if it is yellow.  By kind of freak out I mean screaming and crying.  I'm too scared to go out into my garden for hours a day like I was a few weeks ago.  I'm kind of afraid to even go outside which could be leading to this little bout of blue devils.
     On days like this I feel so weighed down, my mind is heavy.  I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day, or maybe cry.  I don't want to get up and make meals for my kids, help the little girls get dressed, clean, or play games.  School is the furthest thing from my mind.  But I have to function, it's what moms do, isn't it?  I get up, I get dressed.  I have made two meals today, sweet Benjamin is making dinner.  I've played games, read books, helped with math, science and reading.  I took Glen to the library and had the presence of mind, despite a headache, to find books for the other kids.  I have done my chores, helped the other kids with theirs, given a piano lesson,  had a little quiet time to finish the autobiography I have been reading, and I got another batch of food from my garden freeze drying.
     It is so much harder to function on blue days, but I have learned to tell myself to hang on.  I know this won't last forever.  Emotionally I can't see an end, but I have learned to use logic to help me through.  I can't say I am enduring joyfully, but I am trying. I have not given in to the urge to just sit down and cry, instead I have taken up yet another picture book to read to my insatiable book worms.  I didn't give in to the urge to let them watch TV all day so I can just sleep away the clouds, instead I have sat down to help with school work.  I'm not always good at functioning well, but it helps to remember that this won't last forever.  Tomorrow will be a little brighter, but if not, then God will help me through the next cloudy day and I will try to dance in the rain.