Update

Thanks to my sister for taking our family picture

I am so sorry it has been so long since I my last post.  I have had long bouts of depression where I do not want to do anything and everything takes so much effort. Blogging just didn't happen.
So here I am again, I have just gotten over the last bout and am entering into a new one.  When will it end?  Soon I hope.  There is a bright spot on the horizon.  I have an appointment with a Dr. next week and hopefully after that it will get much better.  I shouldn't have waited so long.

There is a point to this rambling, I swear.  Last night I started noticing that I was filling into my depressive cycle and I just wanted to cry, and for more reasons then the depression, right?  Here is what went through my mind. "I *just* got over the last one and now I have to face another 2-3 weeks?  I don't know if I can handle it.  My poor kids and husband, they get the worst of it."  Work, the house, my family.  It all suffers when I get like this.  But I did not want it all to suffer, so I did something i have never done before.  I prayed.  Ok, I pray all the time, it's what I prayed for that I had never done.  I told me Father in Heaven that I could feel the depression coming on and I needed his help.  I did not want to be impatient or mean to my family, I did not want my work to suffer, or the house to go to pots.  These are all good things to want, to be kind, still be able to function, and keep the house clean.  So I told Him that I couldn't do it alone, but I knew that with His help I could do it!  I needed Him to help me be strong.
This morning I woke up and my first thought was "Oh no!"  I just didn't want to deal with it.  But I have felt the Lord strengthening me and helping me.  Last night my kids being silly, normal kids just drove me crazy and I wanted to scream and yell.  This morning my youngest threw a tantrum over food, started hitting and screaming and I felt so calm.  A calm that I knew was not my own.  I was able to deal well.  When I get depressed I just can't think.  I walk into a room to make a phone call, pick up the phone (if I get that far( and then wonder what to do next.  Everything is like that.  I even need someone to tell me to eat or I just wont.  I have also felt help with this.  I can feel a lingering confusion over what I am doing, but it is being overpowered by determination to do what needs to be done.  I have cleaned, cooked, worked, and played with my boys.  I could feel the struggle, but not even the deepest depression is stronger the God!
I am so grateful for His help.  I know I can make it through this with His help and that I will be stronger for it. I am grateful to know that God, my loving Father is here with me always, holding me, lifting me, and guiding me.  I feel so much love from Him.  With God, nothing is impossible.

You are awesome!

Painting by Greg Olsen

Guess what?  I have just learned something.  It's one of those things that I have known all along, but now I understand it.  One day it just hit me.  You are awesome.  No I don't know most of you, but I still know you are awesome.  Do you want to know how I know?  Because God created you.  He created you just the way you are.  With all of your flaws, talents, personality, and everything.  He made you on purpose and because God is perfect He made you perfect.  That makes you awesome!  That's not pride, that is a fact.  You are awesome.  Say it, doesn't it feel good knowing that God made you just the way you are?  It feels great.  I know there is still room for growth, and every day I can become better.  But God knows me right now, how I am right now and He loves me and I am awesome, so are you.

I know he created you and me.  I know he made my sister really strong.  I know me made my oldest son really smart, my youngest really tender.  I know he made my husband really patient.  I know he made my friend really enthusiastic.  He made us just the way we are.  I love that.  I love that that makes us important.  Think about it.  We aren't important to most of the world.  I bet 98% of the world doesn't even know your name.  But He does!  He knows your name, your needs, your life, challenges, joys, fears, heartaches, loves, and triumphs.  He knows you and He loves you.  You are His child, His creation, His masterpiece.

You are awesome, don't forget it.  And don't let anyone ever tell you different, after all who knows more, some silly person or our all knowing, all loving, all powerful Father in heaven?

An answer to prayers

Sorry it's been so long folks, I have been a busy lady.  I just joined Mary Kay as a consultant--but let me start at the beginning.  When John and I got married I heard a talk by Elder Henry B. Eyering and he promised that any couple who pays a full and honest tithe will find a way for mother to stay at home with the children.  I wanted that, I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I claimed that blessing, we have always paid a full and honest tithe and I have expected that some how it would work.  I know the Lord keeps his promises and I knew he would help us find a way.  I has been tough, super tough.  I stopped trying to figure out how it worked because there was no way, but somehow I have been able to stay home with our boys.
Lately I have been getting kind of tired of the tough part.  I'm not trying to complain here, I know I am so blessed, but I felt so stressed and worried much of the time.  Where would we get the money for clothes, diapers, was there going to be enough for rent.  I got tired of always telling my kids "No, we don;t have the money."  And I want another child so badly, but there just isn't enough money for another.  About a year ago I started feeling like I needed to do something to bring some money in.  I still wanted to stay home and felt like I needed to to and that I could.  The Lord was not telling me to put the kids in day care and find full time work.  So I searched and I thought of all kinds of ways.  The problem was that I couldn't find anything that would let me stay home AND still spend time with my kids.  Then my sister in law asked me to come to some Mary Kay thing with her.  I had been thinking about it, but I don't do make up or fancy clothes and I wasn't wild about the idea.  Until I learned more, that is.  I was sold that first night.  I felt nervous thought, I have heard a lot of bad things about Mary Kay and I didn't want to make a mistake that could cost us money we didn't have.  So I prayed about it and I got a really good feeling, and now?  Now I am determined to take this opportunity the Lord has led me to, because I feel like He has truly led me here, and I am going to make it work, I am going to succeed.  I can feel His guidance still and I am grateful to find something that I can do to stay home with my kids.  My favorite part?  Part time at Mary Kay is 6 hours, and full time is 12-15 hours.  Full time is half of my husbands part time schedule and I can do that while the kids nap and after they go to bed.  I am just so grateful.