A new beginning

John will often look at the children and say "S/he has reached a new stage of development, I can see it in her/his eyes."  I feel like I have reached a new stage of development myself. It came on gradually and tonight the light finally turned on.
You see I am finished with parenting books and advice/ demands from the pediatrician.  Don't get me wrong, they have a lot of good to say, I suppose I'm not completely done with them, I am just not allowing them to be the final authority any longer.
For so long I have tried to parent by the book, a lot of books actually.  I have come upon a new method and grasped it, clung to it and the only way to do things.  Potty training has to be done at this age and in this way, feeding schedules, sleep schedules, when, what and how much they eat, chores, discipline...the list is endless.  Parenting advice is plentiful, unending even.
But tonight as I went in yet again to put in a binky to get my littlest to sleep, telling myself it was good for her, it just felt like a hollow excuse, I felt wrong.  Let me add right here that Dr.s and parenting books have tons of good advice and they should not be lightly dismissed, but I know my kids better then any author or Dr. no matter how much experience they have.  I know that Glen went to sleep easily, he hardly ever cried.  Benjamin needed me to stay with him in his room until he fell asleep, Elizabeth would cry for an hour and never stop if I didn't go in and give her a binky and I know that sometimes, but not always Abigail won't sleep unless I am holding her.  I know that she will fight it and scream for about 2 minutes before zonking out in my arms.  I know that even though she is 4 months old she isn't ready for food and despite what the nurse said at her check up I will not be giving her food yet.  I appreciate the dentist telling me how bad a binky is for teeth and yet I will allow Elizabeth to keep it until she feels ready to give it up.  She is emotionally attached to it like neither of the boys were, she is different.
That is the key, the missing piece.  All of those books and articles full of advice have helped me tons, but the problem was that I was trying to apply it to all of the kids.  Now I see that they are different and so need different things.  SO what I am going to do is take all of that advice and pick and choose, based on each individual child, what will help them the best.  I'll add a generous amount of love and attention, and a huge helping of prayer and faith and you know what?  They will turn out ok, even if Elizabeth need braces, even if Glen breaks his other arm because I let him climb trees, Even if I hold Abigail and rock her to sleep, and even if I let Benjamin hide behind me skirts when he is nervous.  This time I have with them is so limited.  I want to cherish it in my way and in theirs without worrying about rigid schedules that make us miss out on chasing fireflies, and the stress that I have found from trying so hard to be like the perfect moms I read about.  I'll never be perfect, I'm going to mess up, but they will still turn out ok, and some day I hope they will look back and see those magical moment I tried to take advantage of and encourage.